What do you really mean when you say: It doesn’t matter?

"l had really wanted to go to the vort tonight, but if you really need me to stay home l will; it doesn't matter."

"l had really wanted to go to the shiur tonight, but if you really need me to stay home I will; it doesn't matter."

"l had really wanted to go to the Tehilim group tonight, but if you need me to stay home I will; it doesn't matter."

What is the "it" that doesn't matter? Is it the vort, the shiur, the Tehilim group?

Is the vort insignificant? Is the shiur superfluous?

What about the Tehilim group?  Is it irrelevant? 

No, that’s not what you mean to say.

Are you're saying "it doesn't matter to me?"

Probably not.  It does matter to you, otherwise why would you have wanted to go in the first place?

So what are you really saying when you say, "it doesn't matter?"

Perhaps what you mean is that you don’t think you matter enough right now to do what you would like to do.

If this is the case you've just missed an opportunity to value yourself. Moreover, you've missed an opportunity to value the other person, to show them how much their preferences and wishes mean to you.  You may be choosing to put someone else’s preference above your own.

Here are two conversations about the same topic with the same outcome.  One of them leaves someone discounted and no one matters.  The other shows how both participants count.

First conversation:

Husband: Sima, that was Shmueli on the phone. The Sonders are making a vort tonight at eight. I’d like to go.

Wife: Oh. I was hoping to go to the parent-teacher conferences this evening at eight.

Husband: Oh, really?  Okay, it's no big deal, it doesn't really matter.  I’ll stay home and you go ahead.

Second conversation:

Husband: Sima, that was Shmueli on the phone. The Sonders are making a vort tonight at eight. I’d like to go.

Wife: Oh. I was hoping to go to the parent-teacher conferences this evening at eight.

Husband: Oh. Well, I really would've liked to go to the vort, but I know how important it is to you to go to conferences so I’ll stay home. You go ahead.

In the first conversation, the husband sounds almost nihilistic; nothing much matters to him, neither the vort nor the parent-teacher conferences. He certainly

doesn't seem to be giving up anything of importance in order to accommodate his wife.

In the second conversation, the husband gave us much more information. Now we know that he values both the vort and his wife's interest in attending the parent-teacher conferences. He is clearly putting aside something that is important to him in order to respect his wife's desire to attend the conferences. He matters to himself, and his wife matters to him. He is addressing all three of his responsibilities.

What three responsibilities?  The three areas of responsibility in Jewish life: our responsibilities to Hashem, to others, and to ourselves.

Shimon haTzadik taught us that the world stands on three pillars: Torah, Avodah, and Gemilus Chasadim (Avos 1:2).

The Tiferes Yisrael writes that "the world" refers to each individual’s world here and his world to come. He posits that these three pillars correspond to the three areas of responsibility for each of us as follows:

The Tiferes Yisrael explains, "The purpose of the creation of man is that he complete his nefesh by way of his guf.  He does this in three ways:

By gaining wisdom, the gathering of Torah knowledge.  This is his obligation to himself.

By keeping the mitzvos. This is his obligation to Hashem.

By expressing compassion and generosity. This is his obligation to others.

In the situation described in the two conversations, the husband had the opportunity to tell his wife that he was willing to give up something important to him rather than giving her the impression that nothing mattered to him and his was giving her nothing.

According to Chazal, it is better (at least sometimes) to tell someone you’ve done something for them they otherwise wouldn’t know about rather than keeping it a secret.  For example, davening for them or taking care of something for them behind the scenes.

Rabbi Akiva taught us this lesson: Hashem demonstrated His love for mankind by creating us in His image. Hashem demonstrated even greater love for mankind by telling us He created us in His image. (Avos 3:1)

It is true that when you do a kindness for someone anonymously, you fulfill the mitzvah of v'ahavta l'rai-acha k'mocha, your obligation to Hashem, and of gamilas chasadim, your obligation to others.

When you do a kindness for someone openly, you also fulfill your obligation to yourself. You respect yourself enough to know that it matters to someone else that the chesed came particularly from you.

In the second version of the above conversation, the husband fulfilled his responsibility to respect his wife's concerns, as well as to respect his own thoughts and feelings, and he also fulfilled the mitzvah of v'ahavta l'rai-acha k'mocha, his responsibility to Hashem. As such, he has met all three of his obligations, as they applied in that situation. 

As you grow in self-respect you will come to appreciate your role in Hashem's plan and your value to your spouse, your children, and every one with whom you interact.  You will appreciate how much you matter.

Rabbi Ackerman is the author of Confident Parents, Competent Children, in Four Seconds at a Time

Available at bookstores and on Amazon.

He can be reached at 718-344-6575