Why do children misbehave?  For the same reasons that adults do.

End of article.  Have a nice day.

Okay, I’ll elaborate.

Children misbehave either because they don’t know what you would consider “behaving,” or because they aren’t able to do what you consider “behaving,” or because they would rather do something you call “misbehaving,” or because they want to defy you.

Does any of that sound familiar?  Chazal call those, respectively, tinoke sh’nishba, o’ness, ovair l’tai-avone, or ovair l’hachis.

So much for why misbehaving happens.

I’d rather focus on improvement in behavior rather than analysis of the underlining motives and causes of misbehavior, so let’s look at how you speak with a child who misbehaved.

When you speak with your child, don’t begin your conversation with “why.” This almost never gets you the answer you need.

When you ask your child why she didn’t do what you asked her to do, you put her on the defensive. Your “why” question implies that she did something wrong, and you’re asking her to justify herself.

Ask yourself, “What could she say that I would consider a valid justification of her behavior?” If there is no justification, no excuse that you would find acceptable, what do you hope to accomplish by asking her the question?

Never ask “why” unless you’re sure there’s an answer you will be happy with.

There is a better question to ask a child who didn’t meet your expectation. It’s predicated on your wanting to help her meet your expectation rather than wanting to know why she didn’t.

Say the child’s name.  Make eye contact.  Say what you saw, the misbehavior.

Ask your child, “What happened that you behaved that way rather than doing what I’ve asked you to do?”

There are only three possible answers to that question:

“I don’t know.”

“I can’t do it.” (I’m not capable)

“I don’t want to it.” (I’m not interested)

Rather than criticizing the bad behavior, express kindness and support, a desire to help.  Think of it as chesed.

I should reward misbehavior with chesed?

Yes, this is the time for chesed.

Rav Simlai explained: The Torah begins with [an act of] chesed, as it says, “Hashem made for the man and his wife garments of hide and clothed them” (Bereishis 3:21).”  Sotah 14a

This was the first act of chesed that we find in the Torah, which G-d did after Adam and Chavah sinned. Why now, after they sinned?

Because until someone disappoints you, there’s no room for chesed.

When your child misbehaves, you may experience stress and feel threatened. When you do, remember the words of the prayer we say at the end of every Shemoneh Esrei, “V’limkalelai nafshi sidom—To those who curse me, may my soul be still.”

The word mekalelai, “those who curse me,” is based on the term kal, “lightweight.” If someone thinks he has been made to appear insignificant, he becomes resentful and tries to make the offender change his behavior in order to alleviate his pain at being “made light of.”

The prayer teaches us to “be still” instead. The next words in the prayer teach us how: “V’nafshi k’afar lakol tiheyeh—Let my soul be like dust to everyone.”

What does it mean to “be like dust”? Dust is indestructible. When you are indestructible, you don’t feel threatened. You can calmly stand still and do chesed—focus on helping the other person rather than focusing on your own pain.

HaKsav V’Hakabbalah, (Vayikra 19:17)  Teaches that when you want to give admonition, you should not ask, “Why did you do that?” You should instead describe what you observed the person saying or doing, and then ask him what happened.

When you calmly ask your child who misbehaved, “What happened?” and your child says, “I don’t know,” she’s probably telling the truth. There are two things she doesn’t know when you ask her a question she’s never heard before. If she were to express them to you, here’s what she might say:

“You’ve never calmly asked me that before, so I don’t know what to make of it.”

“I’ve never thought about it before, so I really don’t know.”

When she says, “I don’t know,” tell her that you understand that she doesn’t know yet, and you would like her to think about it and tell you when she does know.

The second possible answer you may hear from your child is “I Can’t Do It.”

What might make your child unable to behave in a way you would consider acceptable?

It may because he doesn’t understand what you expect of him.

He may have failed because he cannot sustain the behavior for the desired length of time.

He may be incapable of achieving the behavior at all because he is physically or emotionally unable to do it.

These are all forms of incompetence. No amount of lecturing, cajoling, explaining, pleading, threatening, or enticing will help your child accomplish something that he is not competent to do. Instead, either adjust your expectation so that it is realistic for this child, or help him gain competence.

Don’t rush to offer suggestions.  Ask your child, “How can I help you succeed next time?” Then work with him.

The third possible answer is “I don’t want to it.”

When your child willfully disobeys you, you have three choices:

Leave it.

Decide that your child’s preference is stronger than yours on this particular matter, so you will let him have his way.

Don’t think of this as “picking your battles.” Parenting should never be a battle. You’re choosing to respect someone else’s preference sometimes.

Tell your child that this is what you’re doing, so that he knows that it is a conscious, deliberate choice on your part.

Punish or threaten your child into submission.

In the short term, you may gain compliance. But bear in mind that any threat you don’t carry out will reduce your credibility, and any punishment you inflict will carry the long-term risks of sneakiness, lying, and resentment. When a child is punished, he learns to…

hide his failure next time so that he will not get caught and be punished again;

deny his failure to avoid punishment;

be afraid to even try so that he won’t risk failing and suffer a punishment.

Ask yourself, “Is this what I want from my child?”

Identify an incentive.

Either ask your child what he would like to earn for complying with something he doesn’t want to do, or changing something he now takes for granted into something he has to earn.

When you want to improve your own mitzvos and middos, talk to yourself the same way.  Both Hashem and you will enjoy the nachas.

Rabbi Ackerman is the author of Confident Parents, Competent Children, in Four Seconds at a Time

Available at bookstores and on Amazon.

He can be reached at 718-344-6575