Most people have a sense of self. This is different from self-esteem. Where the latter refers to someone's ability to recognize his intrinsic aspects and, through these, feel positively about himself, the former is often based simply on preconceived notions, without introspection, that tell a person something about who he is. Though the goal should be for sense of self and self-esteem to become synonymous, this is, for most people, a very difficult task.

There is a basic need for people to have a sense of self. Without some sort of feeling about ourselves, we feel unimportant and worthless. We have nothing specific on which to rely to make us feel like we are worthwhile. Life becomes pointless. For many, this culminates in depression, anxiety, or other mental health issues.

It is for this reason that most people automatically develop a sense of self. While some of us are able to feel positively toward ourselves based on our internal thoughts and feelings, most of us are unable to. By default, we begin to base our feelings and thoughts about ourselves on external aspects. These can be related to money, power, possessions, physical strength, etc.

Though in a perfect world we would all have intrinsically-based self-esteem, in reality most of us do not. For most of us, our externalized sense of self is based on positive factors like achievements or job positions. However, some people - for whatever reason - are unable to acknowledge positive aspects of themselves. These people often create a negative sense of self rather than none at all. This can obviously lead to unpleasant consequences for the person and for those around him.

There are innumerable possible causes for people to begin viewing their sense of self as based on external factors. Common causes are childhood feelings of being overshadowed by adults and constant reinforcement of external attributes. Likewise, there are innumerable reasons for the continuance of an externalized sense of self. These can include family and school pressure as well as the lack of a more abstract insight, in childhood years, into what makes a person who he is. Whatever the initial cause, as time goes on it becomes increasingly difficult for a person to begin recognizing sense of self as based on anything other than what he has become accustomed to. In fact, without conscious intervention, it appears to be nearly impossible to do.

Clearly, the development of a sense of self begins in childhood. Many factors and issues contribute to this development. Some factors are obviously malevolent, while others have become commonplace. A common practice in parenting is to place emphasis on the child rather than on the action. How often have we heard, or said, the phrase, "Bad boy!" or "Bad girl!" when what might otherwise have been said is, "You did a bad thing." Placing the emphasis on the child tells them that their actions make them who they are. The message is that even if the child is generally a good person, this particular action makes him "bad," at least for a period of time. Saying, "You did a bad thing" lets him know that his essence doesn't change based on his actions. Only the action itself was bad.

Another common phrase is, "What's the matter with you?" Though this has become part of the vernacular, it clearly lets the child know that doing something wrong affects who they are as a person. It also tells them the reverse - that having done something wrong points to the fact that there is something wrong with them. Regardless, over time this can become the child's frame of reference for hi sense of self.

Aside from the immediate impact, children who are often told that they are bad can become unable to distinguish generally between what they do and who they are. This makes it almost inevitable that, as they grow up, their sense of self will become based on their actions, and then on other external factors.

In addition, if these types of statements are often repeated, constantly reminding the child that his actions make him bad, the likelihood increases that he will begin to accept his conception of "bad" as his sense of self. Once this occurs, in order to keep this sense of self, the child needs to continue doing bad things. This becomes a vicious cycle, whereby the need for sense of self causes the inappropriate action, which in turn causes the negative sense of self.

In order for us to raise happy and healthy children and help to create a happy and healthy society, it is imperative that we break the vicious cycle of externalized focus leading to an unnatural need to focus on the external, leading in turn to more externalized focus. In order to do this, parents, schools, and other institutions need to place more emphasis on intrinsic self-worth.

Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW-R, QCSW, DCSW is a NYS licensed clinical social worker. He maintains a private practice in Woodmere, NY, where he counsels individuals and couples. He specializes in anxiety and depressive disorders. He can be contacted through his website: www.ylcsw.com, or at 516-218-4200

Yehuda's book, "Self-Esteem: A Primer," is available at Amazon.com or on his website: www.ylcsw.com

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