What is self-esteem? This elusive term is often bandied about by professionals and laymen alike. "I have no self-esteem," "You need to build your self-esteem," and "My self-esteem took a hit" have become common phrases. Building self-esteem has, in many ways, become the mantra of contemporary society. It is often a concern of parents, educators, mental health and other professionals. Yet, what does it really mean?

Many parents view their children's sense of self as linked to a specific abilities or activities (i.e. athleticism or being helpful). They are constantly being defined based on their actions - the things that others see them doing.

Many adults also equate their sense of self with their sense of importance and capability (I am a powerful woman;" "I am a senior executive"). This is also a reciprocal association - if they feel important and capable, they feel good about themselves and vice versa. As long as this association is positive, it is sustainable. If, however, the association begins to fail, it can initiate a negative cycle, where the person feels less important and capable, therefore less happy with themselves, and vice-versa.

The senior executive who bases his feelings about himself almost entirely on being a senior executive will take a direct hit to his self-esteem if he gets fired, or even when he retires. Similarly, the woman who only feels good about herself because she is powerful will have self-esteem issues when her power wanes. In these instances, there is often an unconscious response that works feverishly to replace the original basis of the self-esteem with another. During this period, the person often suffers from depression and anxiety, due both to the initial insult to their perceived sense of self and to their frenetic internal search for a new basis for their sense of self.

Aside from the loss of an externally-based sense of self, even those who are able to sustain their sense of self-identity often suffer from a negative response. Because the external aspect of their life is so crucial to their ability to feel good about themselves, there is a constant anxiety related to keeping it going. This is often the reason why very wealthy people still feel the need to continually accumulate more wealth; it has become the focal point of their self-identity.

Although conventional wisdom (and indeed the DSM IV - the mental health "bible") defines low self-esteem as simply a symptom of depression, in fact it is clear that low self-esteem often causes depressive and anxiety disorders. It is when we do not feel good about who we are that we tend to chase pretenses for sense of self. This very often causes anxiety and/or depression.

People with high self-esteem are those who know who they are intrinsically. They have a clear inner sense of the kind of person that they are. This sense is generally based on many attributes. Some attributes can be: kind, nice, interesting, funny, smart, etc. People with good self-esteem are happy with themselves because they appreciate their intrinsic qualities, not their external ones. Someone who has this intrinsic sense of self as based on various attributes does not generally need to base his sense of self on external factors, whether they are people, situations, abilities, etc.

Laymen and professionals alike tend to confuse self-confidence with self-esteem. That is because the popular notion of self-esteem is of someone who has confidence in himself (i.e. in his abilities). However, sense of self that is based on externalities like abilities is not indicative of true self-esteem. Thus, self-confidence can be a false form of self-esteem, since it speaks to people's abilities rather than to their internal attributes.

It is interesting that most of us can view, and feel, about others based on who they really are, even though we cannot do the same for ourselves. It may be quite easy for me to say, "Robyn is a caring person," almost as an instinctive reaction because of the way in which I see Robyn. When it comes to myself, however, it is much more difficult to "simply" see myself as something entirely separate from how I think others see me, what I do, my job title, etc.

The crucial distinction between a false sense of self-esteem and one based on true internal feelings is the basis for the feeling. If the feeling is clearly tied to external factors, it is generally not based on true internal feelings. For instance, if your attribute is "funny," but you only feel humorous in social situations where you can monitor other's responses, you don't feel that "funny" is something that defines you. Rather, you feel that "funny" is something that you do.

On the other hand, someone who recognizes that he is intrinsically a funny person can sense this attribute within himself. Without relating "funny" to other people or to specific situations, he simply feels funny. That is, he recognizes aspects of himself - his thoughts and feelings - that are humorous.

Sense of self is forged, for the most part, in early childhood and reinforced throughout our lives by many external factors including school, popular culture and our parents and peers. Nonetheless, our basis for self-esteem can be altered by learning to focus on who we really are inside. We have the capacity to view others for who they are and to feel good about them for their intrinsic qualities. If we could begin seeing ourselves in the same way, many of our emotional issues would start fading away.

Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW-R, QCSW, DCSW is a NYS licensed clinical social worker. He maintains a private practice in Woodmere, NY, where he counsels individuals and couples. He specializes in anxiety and depressive disorders. He can be contacted through his website: www.ylcsw.com, or at 516-218-4200

Yehuda's book, "Self-Esteem: A Primer," is available at Amazon.com or on his website: www.ylcsw.com