November 18, 2016

Dear Therapist:

What is the balance between getting what you want, sometimes being pushy.., and letting go? Example, I called doctor to get an appointment for one of my children, they were overbooked and only let him come for culture. The culture was negative and my son was complaining about his ears... so I was a little pushy, and the nurse did let me into a room. Now I am not sure that my son saw a good example... luckily, the nurse came to tell me, “'it's good you were pushy, that’s how you get things in life. Other mothers give up too fast, you were pushy so you got what you needed.” I used to be weaker, but have learned that I am the only one who can take charge of my life... just don’t know when I may 'try my luck' to get what I want and when to give up. Are there any general guidelines by which I can gauge if I’m pushing the boundaries too far?

Response:

There can be a fine line between being a pushover and being too abrasive.  Unfortunately, in our society, not being assertive is often viewed as a sign of weakness, while being assertive can be seen as aggressive or antagonistic.  Unfortunately, there is also something of a double standard with regard to gender, where a man is more often viewed positively when asserting himself while a woman may be perceived as strident and annoying.  (As an example, compare many people’s response to Hillary Clinton’s assertiveness and their response to Donald Trump’s.  Though Trump may be considered brash and aggressive, Clinton is often seen as shrill and irritating.) 

It’s important not to allow yourself to be led by your emotions or insecurities.  If you’re afraid of how you might be perceived by the people around you, it can be difficult to properly assess the situation and come to an appropriate decision.  Similarly, if you have an unsubstantiated fear of being taken advantage of, this can lead you to act against what your logic would dictate. 

On the other hand, if you can step back and view each situation based on logical thought, you will likely gain clarity on the proper course of action.  First, it’s important to identify any emotions or insecurities that might be getting in the way of your decision.  Once you have a clear sense of how these are impacting on your view of the circumstances, it will be easier to view the situation from a more objective standpoint.  Once you’ve done this, you will likely find that you are less uncertain of yourself and of your decision.

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