Dear Therapist:

As the parent of a smart, kind, and good-hearted son who is about to enter shidduchim, I’ve started to feel concerned about something I’ve noticed for a while.

When he’s under stress or feeling anxious, especially when things are emotionally charged—he either stutters a lot or has a hard time communicating clearly. He often shuts down, and it takes time and effort to coax out what’s really going on. It’s not that he doesn’t care, he just really struggles to express himself when things get overwhelming.

He’s a wonderful boy with so much to offer, but I worry about how this will affect him in shidduchim and, iy”H, in marriage. What would you suggest to help him work on this challenge?

Response:

You’re concerned about your son’s stuttering and other difficulties communicating when stressed.

There are two aspects to your concern—his anxiety and his reaction to it. From a cognitive-behavioral perspective, your son’s anxiety can be seen as the cognitive aspect, and his trouble communicating as the behavioral one.

The primary reason that “pure” cognitive therapy or behavioral therapy are seldom practiced separately anymore is the recognition that these are two sides of the same coin. When we work on something cognitively, it typically affects our actions; when we change our behavior, our thoughts tend to change as well. When we work on both our thoughts and our actions, we’re influencing each—both directly and indirectly. This multi-pronged approach is essentially what cognitive-behavioral therapists practice.

Your son’s primary issue is likely his anxiety. You seem to be asking how he can learn to better respond (behaviorally) when he’s anxious. But this bypasses the underlying issue. Even if he were to develop a strategy that allows him to override his anxiety while speaking with others, this wouldn’t address the anxiety itself. In fact, it might further obscure it, making it harder to acknowledge and address later.

It seems clear to you that your son struggles with anxiety. Perhaps you assume he’s as bothered by his reactions as you are. But you may be over- or underestimating his level of concern. Maybe you’ve already discussed this with him and have a good sense of his perspective. If so, you may both already be comfortable talking about how he experiences his anxiety and how it affects him.

Either way, it would likely be helpful to talk to your son about how he feels—both about his anxiety and his reactions to it. Seeing a therapist can be very useful and might not require more than a few sessions. One way or another, it’s important for him to address any anxiety that troubles him. If he tends to suppress it (whether through repression, denial, or intellectualization), it’s likely to worsen over time—until he’s forced to deal with it. 

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

  psychotherapist in private practice

  Woodmere, NY

  adjunct professor at Touro University

  Graduate School of Social Work

  author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

  www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200

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