Dear Therapist:

I have a son who would like to see a therapist to deal with some issues. I think it would be beneficial for him but I am concerned that therapy might damage his relationship with my wife and myself. Every parent makes mistakes and I am sure we have as well, but I am worried by the sentiment I hear expressed that therapists "estrange" children from their parents. Can you please clear this up for me and perhaps give me some ideas as to how to make this a positive experience that will enhance my relationship with my child. Thank you so much for your time!

Response:

I think that it’s great that you’re considering these types of concerns.  Too often, parents leave their children’s issues at the door of the therapist, assuming that they no longer need to be involved in the response to their children’s needs and issues.  The fact that you’re concerned about the effects of therapy tells me that you’re considering therapy a part of your son’s approach to his issues, not the entirety of it.

There are various schools of thought with regard to the parental role in the cause of mental illness.  There are those who contend that many mental illnesses are caused by bad parenting.  There also those who vociferously argue that parents consistently get a bad rap.  The concept of the “schizophrenogenic mother,” the mother who “causes” her child’s schizophrenia, was much-vaunted in the middle of the 20^th century and still has its proponents.  On the other hand, there are many groups that help parents to recognize their blamelessness within the context of their children’s mental illness. 

The reality, of course, is that this issue is much too complicated to be painted with broad strokes.  Naturally, children are significantly affected in many ways by their parents.  Therefore, many problems can be exacerbated by the actions of parents, just as many problems can be minimized or eliminated through the actions of parents.  No competent therapist will make assumptions about parental roles within a particular issue.  A proper therapist will help their client to understand the issues and causes, beginning from their client’s perspective, in order to properly help him to become happier and better adjusted.  This goal is generally in the best interest of all involved.

I wonder whether you have reason to believe that therapy might drive a wedge between your son and you, or if you have simply heard others associate therapy with parental estrangement.  Perhaps you know someone whose relationship with his child changed for the worse while the child was in therapy.  On the other hand, if your relationship with your son is already strained and you’re afraid that a therapist might reinforce your son’s notion that his problems are due to his parents’ actions, perhaps a few family sessions are in order.  The parent of a teenager who is unconsciously trying to maintain complete control over his child’s life can feel threatened by the idea of a third party who can influence his child to become more independent—this despite the parent’s intellectual recognition that more independence is exactly what his child needs.

You speak of a concern that therapy might detrimentally affect your relationship with your wife.  This leads me to believe that the two of you differ with regard to your approach to your son.  Perhaps one of you feels the need to maintain control and has trouble letting go, while the other believes that your son needs to begin (or continue) his quest for independence.  Maybe one of you reacts more strongly to your son’s perceived rebellious actions.  If there is discord between the two of you, there can be a fear that a therapist may side with one parent over the other, or that the therapist will help your son to follow his own ambitions.

With regard to the therapeutic relationship, one of the factors that should be considered is your son’s age.  Often the age of the client is what determines the extent of the parents’ involvement in the therapy process.  For a young child, the parents often meet the therapist during the initial session, and have regular discussions with the therapist.  Aside from imparting important information to the therapist, this helps to give the parents a clear sense of the goals and plans of therapy, and can help to alleviate concerns relating to the therapy process.

Older children, however, often want their relationship with their therapist to remain confidential.  When this is the case, it is crucial for this expressed wish to be adhered to, in order to allow for a trusting and effective client-therapist relationship.  For a parent, this can be hard to accept, since we want to be involved in our children’s lives with regard to important issues.  This is especially true when our child’s wellbeing and his relationship with us (or with the entire family) appears to hang in the balance.

It’s important to recognize that a good therapist will want to focus on all aspects of a problem, including the effect on their client’s family relationships.  In addition, although the therapist might not be able to share information with you, I believe that most therapists are happy to listen to your ideas and concerns, in order for them to best help your son.  Periodically checking in and discussing your feelings about your son’s progress can keep you more involved, and will help the therapist to identify any relationship issues that might arise.  Remember that the therapist’s primary concern should be your son’s best interest.  That being said, this should take into account his wellbeing with regard to his relationships.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

  psychotherapist in private practice

 Brooklyn, NY

 author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

 www.ylcsw.com / 718-258-5317

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