Dear Therapist

I am working on myself to rid myself of childhood trauma that has affected my behavior. I am aware of triggers, and that certain reactions are not healthy or acceptable. I would like some guidance on how to change bad habits that have become ingrained in my personality. While I’m aware that they can be unhealthy, some behaviors have become so much a part of me that I don’t know another way to behave.

Response

There are numerous forms of therapy that can help in changing unhealthy and unwanted behavior.  Some emphasize the behaviors themselves, others focus on the thought processes leading to the behaviors, and yet others try to identify underlying emotional issues and triggers.  Though individual needs and responses vary, the best results are often achieved when a combination of approaches are used. 

You appear to have good insight into both your problematic behaviors and their causes.  This is an essential first step in working on changing behaviors, thoughts, and emotions. 

A typical process often involves a trigger (i.e., someone glaring at you) causing an emotion (i.e., anger), leading to a thought (i.e., “I need to defend myself”), ending in an action (i.e., yelling at the offender).  In many instances, we are consciously unaware of one or more of these steps.  For instance, someone might find himself yelling without knowing the reason.  Sometimes, other “reasonable” explanations are identified, like the person convincing himself that he was yelling to teach the other person to be more respectful.  Though you seem to be aware of your triggers and actions, it might be helpful to identify any emotions and thoughts that exist.

Once problematic thoughts are acknowledged, you can begin challenging inaccurate thoughts and beliefs.  You can work on dispelling myths that tell you that your thoughts—and possibly therefore your actions—are appropriate.  In a similar vein, once you identify specific emotions you can ask yourself if these feelings accurately reflect the situation or if they might be related to other issues or past situations. 

With regard to direct behavior modification, it can be helpful to isolate related factors like when and where each behavior occurs (and when and where it specifically does not occur), and detailed, specific mechanics of the behavior (what you do and how you do it).  Once you have a better recognition of these related factors, you will likely be more alert to problematic behaviors, and be better able to change behaviors as they begin.

Often, the sources of our triggers are deeply embedded in childhood experiences and insecurities.  Allowing yourself to recognize early instances of an emotion can help you to put the emotion into perspective.  For instance, you might recall that you used to feel angry when teachers glared at you, reminding you that this made you feel hurt and worthless.  This could help you to recognize these same emotions in the current situation, allowing you to focus on the differences between childhood and current experiences.  In addition to helping change behavior, this can also help to reduce the power of the trigger.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

  psychotherapist in private practice

  author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

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