Dear Therapist:

I recently began dating and was surprised that I was extremely nervous during the time I was dating that boy. This is a new experience for me, I am generally laid back and I have never been the anxious type. What bothered me the most was that during the 2 weeks I was dating I had no appetite and could barely eat anything.  When that match didn’t work out, I was back to myself, but then when I said yes to the next boy it started again. I don’t understand what is going on, like I said I never really had issues. I would appreciate any understanding and advice you could give me as to how to get past this. Thank you. 

Response:

The first question that I would ask is: What makes you think that your level of nervousness is not normal?

For the sake of this response, I will define “nervousness” as appropriate to the situation and “anxiety” as over and above what one would expect to feel given the situation. For instance, if I am having trouble in a class that I need to pass in order to graduate, I would expect to feel nervous enough to do what is necessary to pass the class. If, however, I feel highly anxious, this could make it more difficult for me to focus. Thus, my nervousness is adaptive, while my anxiety is maladaptive.

We all experience anxiety. Who could say that their feelings in every situation perfectly match what the situation logically calls for? Anxiety is normal. However, when anxiety causes us excessive emotional distress or prevents us from acting in the way that we want, it should be addressed.

You state that you have never been the anxious type. Does this mean that you have never felt any level of nervousness about anything? Of course not. I’m sure that you have felt some level of anxiety in certain circumstances. I think that your point is that you have never felt this high a level of anxiety.

Let’s consider the stakes. I don’t know what types of challenges you have faced in the past. Let’s assume that the greatest possible consequence that you had previously faced was doing poorly on a test, or someone being upset with you. In these circumstances, the greatest possible consequences might have been a low test score or an argument with a friend. In these situations, you would likely have been worried or concerned. Based on your self-description, it appears that your emotional responses have typically been commensurate with the situation.

In dating, you may be facing the most consequential decision of your life. You will need to choose the person with whom you will hopefully spend the rest of your life. The consequences of this decision are deep and far-reaching. Perhaps your emotional response in this situation is likewise appropriate.

I have had clients who feel that their work in therapy is not done until they never feel any level of depression, anxiety, or another negative emotion. It is important to remember that it is impossible to completely eliminate negative emotions. Our goal should be to reduce problematic levels of emotion…and to be comfortable with those that are normal and appropriate. If you believe that your anxiety about dating is inappropriate and maladaptive, this is something that you can address.

Cognitive-behavioral therapy is perhaps the simplest therapeutic modality to describe in a few sentences. The understanding is that conscious thought (along with emotions) and actions work hand-in-hand, with each both causing and being caused by the other. If, for instance, you are not consciously considering the ramifications of dating and marriage, your behavior with regard to dating can be affected, possibly leading to further anxiety. Your unconscious mind may be hinting to you that this is something that you should focus on.

It is possible that your anxiety will naturally diminish over time. This can occur both in dating a particular boy (feeling less anxious as you get to know him) or in general (as you date more). This would be an example of changes to behavior leading to change in thought and emotion. As you date more, you may be forced to consider consequences, allowing you to work these through logically rather than emotionally. Additionally, as you get to know a particular boy, specific concerns about compatibility can be alleviated.

I don’t know what is causing your anxiety, but allowing yourself to recognize real concerns that you may be suppressing can help you to reduce it. Allowing yourself to be nervous, while at the same time thinking about the reasons for this nervousness, is a good place to start.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

  psychotherapist in private practice

  Woodmere, NY

  adjunct professor at Touro University

  Graduate School of Social Work

  author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

  www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200

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