Dear Therapist:

My husband and I are struggling with our 23-year-old son. There is a certain amount of instability to him where he is constantly changing his mind. For example, one day he is all into learning and is talking about staying in learning for a long time after he gets married and a few weeks later he is talking about leaving yeshiva now and going to work. When it comes to shidduchim he changes significant pieces of what he is looking for every few months. One could say he is just trying to figure himself out and he is developing but something about it seems off and very concerning. Even a regular conversation with him can be frustrating; he can say one thing one minute and something completely contradictory a few minutes later in the conversation. He doesn't really seem to be aware of the contradictions and peruses everything with the same high energy and firm belief.  Can you please give me some ideas as to what might be going on with him and how we can address it?

Response:

As you suggest, to some degree your son’s vacillation may be normal. Many young adults struggle with plans and goals. If your son’s exposure to career planning and options has been limited, his lack of clarity in this area, even at age 23, can make some sense. If his exposure has largely been to learning, this can seem like a viable option. If at the same time he feels that he would like to work—but has no specific information or experience in any particular area—this can create a conflict. He may feel comfortable with the idea of learning because it is what he knows. At the same time, he may want to work for a living, but doesn’t have enough information to feel comfortable with that kind of decision. Lack of knowledge can create for anxiety related to the unknown.

You speak to other areas, however, in which your son has trouble making decisions, and in which he appears to have contradictory thoughts. I wonder to what extent his trouble is in his thought process and to what extent it is in actually pulling the trigger. Does he make one decision, then become anxious, and only then change his mind? Or is he constantly questioning his own thoughts?

You mentioned that he doesn’t seem to be aware of his contradictory statements, and that he is resolute with regard to whichever position he is taking at the moment. Does this mean that he is not cognizant of the fact that he changed his mind? Or is this indicative of a fear of decision-making?

Without meeting with your son, I think that it would be impossible for anyone to identify any underlying issue that might be causing his ambivalence and fluctuation. Any assessment should include a focus on whether there are particular areas in which these issues are apparent. A good therapist would be able to help your son acknowledge any uncertainty and contradictions. They could then help him to identify causes for these and ways of addressing them.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

 psychotherapist in private practice

 Brooklyn, NY

 author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

 www.ylcsw.com / 718-258-5317

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