Dear Therapist:
Is feeling that I don't have anything to say in social situations social anxiety? Even in situations where I don't feel anxious, I have a hard time making conversation. Even when I am with people that I feel comfortable with. Am I just missing some sort of social skill or is this part of social anxiety? Or maybe this is just who I am and I should accept it. I would appreciate your advice. Thank you.
Response:
At first glance, your questions seem straightforward and almost academic. You appear to be asking for information about what may be considered a problem. These simple questions could theoretically be answered in a similarly academic manner.
For instance, if you have nothing to contribute to a conversation, why would this be related to anxiety (social or otherwise)? Perhaps you have little interest in the subject matter. Maybe you just prefer to listen. Or you might simply be the type of person who enjoys listening more than talking.
However, a little analysis of your word choice and sentence structure may reveal the deeper questions you’re really asking. You didn’t ask whether not having anything to say is indicative of social anxiety; you asked whether feeling that you have nothing to say is social anxiety. The word “is” in your question refers to your sense that you have nothing to say, rather than the fact that you have nothing meaningful to contribute.
The very fact that you are asking these questions suggests that this bothers you. You also mention that you have trouble making conversation “even in situations where I don’t feel anxious,” which implies that you do feel anxious in at least some social situations.
Most people feel somewhat anxious in certain social settings. This is not necessarily a problem unless it interferes with normal social interaction. Of course, this is subjective. However, since you felt the need to bring this up, you likely feel that your social life is being hindered in some way.
You also mentioned that you struggle with conversation even with people you feel comfortable with. Anxiety and comfort (in this sense) are opposite sides of the same coin. Just as anxiety is subjective and relative, so is comfort. Your definition of comfort may be different from others’.
For example, one person might describe a situation as “comfortable” even if they feel somewhat awkward. Another person, experiencing the same situation, might describe that feeling as “anxious.” Since anxiety is subjective, perhaps the question isn’t whether you have social anxiety, but whether these feelings bother you.
You might ask yourself:
- Would I like to contribute more to conversations but feel held back in some way?
- Is my way of socially interacting harming my relationships?
- Or am I simply more of a listener, and I’m overanalyzing because of the popular tendency to pathologize everything?
You also asked whether you are missing social skills. But even if you were, would that necessarily be a problem? Are we all meant to be social in exactly the same way, for the same underlying reasons? One of the most challenging consequences of over-pathologization is the belief that people must conform to some generalized norm. But the concept of a “generalized norm” is inherently flawed. Any norm is based on an average of millions (or billions) of individuals’ behaviors. Therefore, there is no “perfect norm.” The belief that one exists—and that others have somehow mastered it—can actually lead to anxiety.
Your final point is that maybe you should just accept who you are. Aside from the word “just,” I completely agree. You should certainly accept who you are—but not because you have no other choice. You should accept who you are because you want to. Recognizing that there is no single ideal way to be—socially or otherwise—is a good place to start.
-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW
psychotherapist in private practice
Woodmere, NY
adjunct professor at Touro University
Graduate School of Social Work
author of Self-Esteem: A Primer
www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200
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