Dear Therapist:

I’m currently engaged, and baruch Hashem things seem to be going very well.

At the same time, I hear people say that these days many don’t really understand what makes a marriage work, and that there are misconceptions that only become clear later on.

Everything feels good now, but I’m aware that engagement is not the same as real life. I’m trying to go in with open eyes and realistic expectations.

What are some things you think people often misunderstand about marriage that can end up causing stress later on? And what are some key things you think are important to know going in?

Response:

You’re asking a question that sounds simple, but the fact that you’re asking it suggests a level of thoughtfulness and maturity. It can be easy to get swept up in the excitement of a new relationship and the emotions that come with it. It doesn’t sound like you’re getting cold feet, nor that you’re simply going with the flow. You seem to have found a healthy balance—able to enjoy the present while also stepping back and thinking about the long term. I will try to respond succinctly.

I believe that one of the most significant factors separating an average (or even struggling) relationship from a strong one is the ability to actually create a relationship. You might suggest that a relationship exists regardless of what you do—and in the most basic sense, that’s true. You are, after all, in a relationship. However, there are very different ways in which relationships can be understood and developed.

We all know that relationships take work. On a basic level, this often means communicating, trying to understand one another, and being willing to compromise.

When I refer to creating a relationship, however, I mean something beyond maintaining what already exists. A relationship can be understood as something that is actively built—something that exists as an entity somewhat separate from each of you, and that requires ongoing attention and care.

What people often misunderstand is that a healthy relationship is not simply two people trying to get along or care for one another. Rather, the relationship itself can be thought of as something distinct—almost like a third “entity.”

For example, when I work with married couples, I sometimes ask them to think of their marriage as consisting of three parts: you, your partner, and the relationship itself. Even for couples who have been together for many years, this idea can be eye-opening. Often, their focus has been primarily on themselves or on each other, without recognizing the relationship as something that also needs to be intentionally developed.

When couples begin to see the relationship this way, it often shifts their focus. Instead of asking only, “What do I need?” or “What does my partner need?” they can also begin to ask, “What does our relationship need?” That shift can make a significant difference in how a marriage grows over time.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

  psychotherapist in private practice

  Woodmere, NY

  adjunct professor at Touro University

  Graduate School of Social Work

  author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

  www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200

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