Dear Therapist:
Being in seminary this year has made me realize how hard it is for me to really trust people. Even when someone hasn’t done anything wrong, I find myself holding back or expecting to get hurt. It’s like I’m always bracing for something to go wrong.
I know that not everyone is out to hurt me and I honestly want to feel close to people. It’s just really hard for me to let my guard down. Keeping a bit of distance feels safer. Especially in big social situations.
Is this something people can work on? Where do these feelings usually come from, and how do you even start changing something that feels so automatic?
Response:
Your tendency to keep people at arm’s length in order to feel safe is very common. For many different reasons, people are often afraid of being hurt. One of your questions relates to why you feel this way. Without more information, I can only offer a general guess.
You mention that you only recently became aware of just how strongly you fear being hurt by others. You also say you tend to expect it. That may suggest you’ve been hurt in some way in the past. It also points to the possibility that emotional distance became a protective mechanism—something you learned to do—and that over time it became automatic and unconscious.
From a psychoanalytic perspective, the goal would be to identify the original source of pain and to understand the defense that developed in response. The more conscious and clear this becomes, the easier it is to challenge the ideas that made sense to a younger, more vulnerable version of yourself.
But what does it really mean to be “hurt”? That can differ from person to person. One person may fear humiliation, another may fear rejection. Others may have a more vague fear—perhaps even of physical harm. But in many cases, the deeper fear behind being hurt is the fear of feeling badly about ourselves.
If I’m rejected or humiliated, I may feel worthless. Or, if I get too close to others, they may discover that I’m not as great as they thought. As long as I stay at a distance, I can maintain the image I want to project—and avoid the shame of being “found out.” This helps me hide my deeper insecurities—especially from myself. But once I get close, there’s no longer anywhere to hide.
The problem is that this creates a self-perpetuating cycle. I base how I feel about myself on how I imagine others see me. But then I project my own negative self-image onto them, assuming they view me the same way. That just reinforces my negative feelings—and keeps the cycle going.
There are different ways to begin changing this pattern. On a basic level, breaking any cycle means interrupting one or more of its parts. Often the most effective starting point is the weakest link. In the three-part cycle I just described, for instance, maybe you notice that you assume others see you negatively—but you also know that’s not necessarily logical. That’s a good place to begin: by noticing when this assumption comes up and actively challenging it.
If your fear of closeness is rooted in a negative self-view, then working on developing intrinsically-based self-esteem can be especially helpful.
-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW
psychotherapist in private practice
Woodmere, NY
adjunct professor at Touro University
Graduate School of Social Work
author of Self-Esteem: A Primer
www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200
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