Dear Therapist:

My son has a tendency to jump around yeshivos. He is in second year and now is talking about switching to another yeshiva which would be his fourth in 6 years. He always has a strong reason behind it, he wants a certain shiur, a better oylam, or just thinks it would be good to have a "fresh start." I would say he is about average in most of the places he has been and they have been happy with him, he seems to keep thinking he can find something better. I am worried that he is not really dealing with the challenges in each place and just trying to go elsewhere in the hope that it will all be perfect. I am also wondering if he has unreasonable expectations of himself and that causes him to keep trying to find a new place where he can "really shteig." Or perhaps it is a symptom of something else? I would appreciate your thoughts on how to get to the bottom of this and your advice on how to guide and help him. Thank you. 

Response:

My immediate thought was whether you have had a discussion with your son. Have you asked him the very questions that you present here?

I can make assumptions. I can theorize, and I can discuss anecdotal evidence (which is not really evidence at all). You have identified a few possible reasons for your son’s tendency to switch yeshivas fairly often. Some are those that he has mentioned; others are those that concern you.

You seem to believe that your son is not in touch with possible unconscious reasons for his actions (like perfectionism or trouble meeting challenges) and is therefore using more logistical reasons as excuses for these changes. You may be correct. However, there is no way for an uninvolved party to identify the cause for your son’s actions.

Even if you were fairly certain of the cause, what would be you next step? Ostensibly, it would be to discuss this with your son. For instance, say that you were convinced that your son is a perfectionist due to low self-esteem and fear of failure. This causes him to avoid situations in which he cannot excel. You would then approach your son, let him know about this problem, and suggest possible solutions. How well do you think this conversation would go?

Alternatively, imagine that you were to begin with an open conversation, discussing his needs and goals. At an appropriate point, you could ask him whether there might be underlying fears or needs that he is not acknowledging or addressing. This would likely give you a better sense as to what’s going on. More importantly, it might help your son to recognize that his actions may be affected by underlying emotions.

As parents, we can feel that it is our responsibility to make things work out for our children. We can feel that we need to fix their issues and correct their errors. Sometimes, this is true. But often—and especially as our children grow older—our active role is reduced. We are relegated to advisor and helper.

Naturally, your son’s age is a major factor. Based on the information provided, I assume that he is in his early twenties. Of course, I don’t know his personality or level of emotional maturity, and I don’t know what kind of relationship you have with him. Generally speaking, however, at that stage of life, people are often more receptive to open conversation that gives them a sense of individuation and control. This would likely make him more receptive to a real discussion, which can help him to become more self-aware.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

  psychotherapist in private practice

  Woodmere, NY

  adjunct professor at Touro University

  Graduate School of Social Work

  author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

  www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200

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