Dear Therapist:

My wife and I began seeing a therapist a few months ago. After a few weeks the therapist suggested that my wife begin seeing a therapist by herself (in addition to together with me) to help her with her anxiety. Now our therapist has suggested that in addition I begin seeing another therapist to deal with some issues of my past. It's not like we started this because of a massive issue; we just had some things we needed to work on as a couple and now we are going to wind up paying 700 dollars a week for therapy?! Is this standard practice? Is this the only way to work this out? Please tell me there if there is a more effective way to go about this.

Response:

We’ve all heard that communication is crucial in relationships.  Of course this is true in a general sense.  However, in addition to having basic conversations about things that are important to us, it is vitally important that we step back and take an objective approach to things that bother us.  Of what does communication consist?  The obvious response is that communication relates to how we speak with one another.  Tone, body language, and facial expressions are a close second.  However, there is a much deeper form of communication within relationships that is often ignored.  I’m referring to the way in which we understand the other person’s intentions. 

One cause of problematic communication is that we tend to assume that other people think and feel the same way that we do, and that others have similar triggers and insecurities.  Even in instances where we can intellectually recognize that this is not the case, we frequently project our thoughts and feelings onto the other person—especially when we are feeling emotional.  In addition, we assume that the other person’s actions were caused by something that would cause us to act in that manner.  For instance, if my wife raises her voice and tells me that I did something stupid, on some level I immediately ask myself what would cause me to say what she did in the way that she said it.  If I’m the type of person who doesn’t show anger unless I despise the other person, I instinctively transfer this sense onto my wife, and assume that she despises me.  It’s only when I analyze the situation that I realize that my wife might be acting angry because she feels hurt.

Unfortunately, in many cases, this becomes a vicious cycle.  If I react to my wife’s anger by becoming sullen and withdrawn, this can trigger a negative feeling in her for a similar reason.  This can escalate her anger response, thereby causing me to further isolate myself.  Over time, this can lead to major arguments, which continue to exacerbate the problem and increase the sense that my wife despises me and doesn’t care for me.

Without specifics, it’s impossible to determine your need, or your wife’s need, for individual therapy.  Although you began therapy to deal with marital problems, individual issues often arise.  In fact, marriage counseling often separates into three parts: relationship matters, his issues, and her issues.  Some therapists may opt to deal separately with each person’s issues, then to apply them to the relationship.  Some sessions would be dedicated to helping the husband identify his needs, triggers and insecurities, while other sessions would focus on the wife’s.  The understanding of how these affect the relationship would then be integrated into the way in which the couple interacts with one another.

When a therapist follows this strategy, there are a number of factors that can help to determine whether individually focused sessions should be conducted together with both spouses or alone with each identified spouse.  There are instances where one spouse or both spouses have issues that call for separate individual therapy in order for them to acknowledge, communicate, and work on these.  For instance, there may be individual issues that are hampering the efficacy of the joint sessions.  Perhaps there are deeply embedded issues that negatively affect the relationship, and that require more intensive therapy.  If a therapist believes this to be necessary, his reasoning should be discussed with his clients so that they fully understand his position.  If you’re not clear on the reason for your therapist’s suggestion that you each see your own therapist, you should ask for clarification.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

  psychotherapist in private practice

 Brooklyn, NY

 author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

 www.ylcsw.com / 718-258-5317

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