Dear Therapist:

I am a regular frum girl, 15 and in high school. My parents never got along well and recently told us kids that they are getting divorced? Is my life finished? Will everyone look at me with pity? Will I be able to do a good shidduch? Does the fact that my parents divorced make it more likely that I might get divorced? Any information or chizuk that you can give me is appreciated.

Response:

Please remember that you’re a person, not a statistic.  No person or situation has the power to affect your life more than you do.  At age 15, you are still learning to experience your own independence and autonomy.  It may still seem as if the people and circumstances in your life can shape your future far more than you can.  Optimally, as you grow older you will recognize more of your individuality, and learn to increasingly view yourself as the master of your own destiny. 

 The fact that your parents never got along doesn’t mean that you will have the same experience.  Your parents’ decision to get divorced does not resign you to a life of misery.  People who know you might feel sorry for you, but they will likely view you based on who you are as a person rather than as a child of divorce.  Remember that you are a person, not just to yourself but to others as well.  Your friends and acquaintances should see you for who you are, not as a consequence of a particular circumstance. 

Though we are usually very good at judging others, it can be very difficult for us to see ourselves from a realistic perspective.  It might be easier to look at this from an objective viewpoint.  Imagine a friend going through the same situation.  How would you view her?  Would you feel that her life was finished?  Would you look at her with pity?  Would you assume that she would be unable to get a good shidduch?  Would you assume that her parents’ divorce would cause her to get divorced herself? 

If your responses are more positive with regard to your friend than toward yourself, recognize that this is likely how others will see you as well.  Regardless of your responses, remember that your value lies within yourself, not in others’ perceptions of you.  Anyone who might refuse to see your value is not worthy of you.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

  psychotherapist in private practice

 Brooklyn, NY

 author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

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