Dear Therapist:

My husband recently lost his mother. They were very close, and he has taken it very hard. He is the youngest in the family, and she was niftar relatively young and suddenly. I’ve been trying to support him, but I’m not sure what is helpful. At times I try to lift his mood or help him move forward, but it does not seem to land well. At the same time, I hear that grieving needs space, and that trying to move on too quickly can be unhelpful. I’m also not sure how to balance being present for him while keeping our home and daily life functioning, especially when his grief feels so heavy. How can I best support him in a way that is both sensitive and constructive? What does “being there” really look like in practice, and when, if at all, is it appropriate to encourage moving forward?

Response:

I’m sorry to hear about your mother-in-law’s passing. It sounds like her death is affecting your family as a whole.

The questions you’re asking don’t have standardized answers. For instance, there is no set amount of time that it takes for someone to grieve. In some sense, we are always grieving. Do we ever completely get over the loss of a loved one?

You mentioned that your mother-in-law passed away recently. I don’t know how recent, but as the term suggests, there is a grieving process. As with any process, this takes time. Swiss psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross famously identified five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Not everyone experiences all of these stages—and those who do may not experience them in that order.

There is no “proper” or “appropriate” way to grieve a loss. We all experience things in our own unique ways, and we all react emotionally in different ways. That said, grieving is typically a process, and each person needs to work through it in their own way and at their own pace.

It sounds like you’re uncomfortable with your husband’s current state. You’ve tried to lift his mood and help him move forward, with the goal of being constructive. The question is whether you need to do any of these things. Of course, you want to be sensitive and supportive—but is it your role to move him through his grief? It seems that he may not be looking for that kind of help. Perhaps what he needs is the space to process his loss in his own way.

Is there something that makes you feel the need to be more directly involved? Are you concerned that this may become the new normal? Perhaps you are dealing with some grief of your own, or feel a responsibility to restore a sense of normalcy in the home.

It’s only natural that a death in the family will—at least temporarily—change the family dynamic. People may be more somber, and each person will cope in their own way. If you find yourself uncomfortable with the sadness or heaviness of the moment, it may help to remember that this is likely part of a normal process. The ability to tolerate discomfort can be helpful in situations like this.

It may be that your husband is experiencing the loss more intensely than others, though that doesn’t mean others are not also grieving. You want to be there for him, and for the rest of your family. However, if you feel responsible to “make things better,” you will likely find yourself frustrated.

If you can accept that each person needs to process loss in their own way, it may become easier to step back from trying to fix things and instead focus on simply being present for your family in the ways that they need.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

  psychotherapist in private practice

  Woodmere, NY

  adjunct professor at Touro University

  Graduate School of Social Work

  author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

  www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200

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