Dear Therapist:
I live in a home that is not a healthy happy environment. I feel my parents have trouble providing for me emotionally. They are not abusive in any way, but I never received any validation, affection, healthy communication etc. growing up. I recently hit this stage where I woke up from a “bubble” and started realizing and processing how difficult the situation really is and how much I am lacking in my life as a result. I developed lots of anxiety and feelings of deep pain/sadness as I am forced to deal with this reality on a day-to-day basis. My question is, can therapy help me in a reality that I cannot change? Can I hope for a healthy future and marriage if I was never taught the skills when I grew up? If so, how do I go about finding the help I need? Thank you for your time and consideration of my question.
Response:
You are obviously going through a difficult time. You make it sound like your feelings of anxiety and depression are a direct result of your recognition of the lack of validation and affection in your life. It seems that you were fine until you acknowledged this lack.
You refer to two issues. You feel depressed and anxious, and you are concerned about your future ability to create healthy relationships. You speak of painful emotions relating to the past, present, and future. Perhaps your concern about your future is what is largely causing your negative emotions. Or perhaps your negative emotions are caused by your increasingly negative view of your childhood. Or your anxiety may be more closely related to the future, while your feelings of sadness may be more closely tied to the past.
It is never the actual issue or stressor that causes problematic feelings; rather it is the emotional response to the problem that causes us to develop negative feelings. Let’s focus for a moment on your current feelings specifically about your childhood. Were you truly fine when you were younger because you weren’t aware of any problems? If so, what has changed is your understanding of what could have (and should have) been. It makes sense for you to feel badly about the things on which you missed out. However, feelings relating to the past can usually be resolved. This often occurs over time. If you feel that you need help working through your emotions, a therapist can help.
With regard to your future concerns, I don’t have a very clear understanding of the issues. I cannot, therefore, speak to specific concerns. You refer to a lack of skills, but people are comprised of much more than simply a skillset. We have personalities, needs, emotions, interests, ways of connecting, and many other qualities. There are no two people who are alike, and there is no formula for the “perfect person,” or for the “optimal spouse.” You may find that the people to whom you are typically attracted are those who are similar to you in the ways that matter—and therefore with whom you are able to forge proper, healthy relationships.
I don’t know exactly what you mean when you speak of the lack of healthy communication in your family. Are you again referring to a feeling of loss due to this general lack? If so, this is one of the feelings that a therapist can help you to resolve. Perhaps you’re referring to your own trouble processing emotion, and are relating this in part to the lack of proper communication in the family. This is an area, as well, on which therapy can have a positive effect.
If you are concerned that you haven’t properly developed good communication skills, this is a continuous process. Many people have very different communication patterns and processes at various points in their lives. Over time, your modes of communication and connection will likely change as well. There may be specific skills that you recognize you do not have, and are crucial to relationship building and to life in general. If this is the case, these skills can be learned. It is never too late.
One of the first things that you would likely do in therapy is to identify, isolate, and more clearly understand each problem. Doing this will help you to better work them through. It will also help to demystify the negative emotions that you have, normalizing them so that they seem less overwhelming. The issues that you mention are by no means unusual. I am confident that a good therapist can help you to navigate your emotions, helping you to feel much better about yourself and about your future.
-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW
psychotherapist in private practice
Brooklyn, NY
author of Self-Esteem: A Primer
www.ylcsw.com / 718-258-5317
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