Dear Therapist:

Every year after Purim I find myself thinking the same thing. When I drink a little, I feel like my real personality comes out. I’m more relaxed, more open, funnier, more confident. I talk more easily and feel less in my head.

The next day, I always feel a little unsettled. Not because I did anything terrible, but because I wonder why I can’t be that way the rest of the year. Normally I’m more reserved and overthink everything. On Purim it just flows.

I’m not looking to start drinking more. I just want to understand why that version of me only seems to show up with alcohol. Is that the “real me”? And if so, how do I access that without drinking?

Response:

You raise an interesting point. There have been times when I ask a client to consider how they feel after having just a drink or two. This often helps them understand the goal toward which many of us strive—to connect with who we really are inside.

Another way of describing this is self-esteem. I have often spoken and written about true self-esteem as a sense of self grounded in who we are, rather than in externalities. External factors include what we do, what we have, what we’ve accomplished, what we look like, and what we believe others think of us.

However, when we consider what actually makes us like—or have esteem for—other people, we begin to realize something important: for everyone we genuinely value, our positive feelings are based on who they are internally. Qualities such as kindness, humor, curiosity, and creativity are what truly resonate with us. We feel positively toward others almost automatically, without consciously analyzing these traits; it is simply part of how we experience people.

If this is such a natural way of viewing others, why don’t we apply the same perspective to ourselves? The answer is complex, but in essence, we learn from a young age to evaluate ourselves according to external measures. Because we are not burdened by others’ insecurities—and are rarely taught to judge them the same way—we come to appreciate them for the right reason: who they actually are.

My approach to building self-esteem begins with clearly recognizing the intrinsic qualities—those relating solely to how a person thinks and feels—that we value in others. Once this becomes clear, and we move beyond simply liking or disliking people toward understanding why we feel as we do, we can begin applying that same perspective to ourselves.

We know that after a couple of drinks, people tend to lose some inhibitions. Part of this experience involves a temporary quieting of insecurities. When someone asks what intrinsically based self-esteem feels like, I will sometimes ask them to reflect on how they feel when slightly tipsy. This comparison can help illustrate how it feels to experience oneself with insecurities momentarily in abeyance.

This is likely why you feel more like “yourself” after a drink or two. As you noted, the goal is not increased drinking, but rather strengthening self-esteem and reducing insecurity so that you can access your authentic personality naturally—without relying on alcohol.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

psychotherapist in private practice

Woodmere, NY

adjunct professor at Touro University

Graduate School of Social Work

author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200

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