Dear Therapist:

We have a teenage son who has been struggling. He has become moody, angry, and seems depressed. We are trying to take the right steps and have gotten help from a therapist and psychologist, who have said he is dealing with depression. Recently, someone in his school told us they strongly believe that with the way he is doing, there must have been some kind of trauma, and that this is where this is all coming from. That has left us feeling unsure. Is it possible for a teenager to present this way without there being a specific trauma behind it? How do we know if we are missing something important? We want to make sure we are treating the root of the issue and not overlooking anything.

Response:

“Trauma” is a tricky word. Something that you might consider traumatic might not be traumatic for me. A major trauma for me may be relatively insignificant for you.

We all see things from our own perspectives. Our life perspective—and therefore our experience of any event—is shaped by many factors. Consider this: From the moment we have any awareness, we begin accumulating experiences. Imagine a fetus’s very first experience. Perhaps it is a sense of discomfort. The way it is experienced may form the basis of that first emotional response. Genetics and other inborn factors can also play a significant role in that reaction.

That first emotional experience, in turn, influences the next. Consider the multitude of combinations that exist in shaping even a second emotional response. And that is just the beginning—within the first moments of awareness.

Now consider fifteen years of experiences, each one building in some way on those that came before. Even if we could calculate the number of experiences a person has—and how each interacts with the others—we would still not account for the countless variables within each individual experience. (The number googolplex comes to mind.)

The point is that each person is profoundly different from every other person. Our perceptions, perspectives, and interpretations can vary greatly. Although we tend to project our own experiences onto others, the reality is that we can never fully understand another person. In truth, we cannot even fully understand ourselves.

When people speak about trauma, they often think of specific types of events that are expected to cause significant emotional distress. In reality, trauma is highly individual—both in terms of what causes it and how it manifests.

I don’t know why the person in your son’s school assumes that he experienced trauma, nor how they define it. They may be thinking in more stereotypical terms (such as abuse), perhaps based on what appears to be a change in your son’s mood. It is possible that they are correct.

However, it is also possible that they are projecting their own experiences or assumptions onto your son’s situation. If they have seen—or personally experienced—similar symptoms in the context of trauma, they may assume the same applies here.

Has your son experienced something that was traumatic for him? Possibly. If he were to share such an experience, you might understand its impact—or you might not fully grasp why it affected him so deeply.

Because each individual is so unique, a central part of a therapist’s role is to remain nonjudgmental, avoid assumptions, and strive to understand the client’s internal experience as accurately as possible. A good therapist can help your son work through the factors contributing to his depression, whether or not they stem from what would traditionally be defined as “trauma.”

 -Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

  psychotherapist in private practice

  Woodmere, NY

  adjunct professor at Touro University

  Graduate School of Social Work

  author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

  www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200

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