Dear Therapist:

Is there a way to get my teenagers to be more organized and on top of things or is this just the way that they are and I should learn to live with it?  The constant forgetting and/or neglecting of responsibilities and the things they were asked to do, the oversleeping, and the mess in their rooms. These are great kids who are doing well in school and yeshiva so I don't want to complain, but as a mother it is really hard on me. If I knew that at this age it's just how it's going to be for them maybe I could let it go, but as a parent I am not sure what is really normal. Where do I draw the line? 

Response:

You begin with your kids’ disorganization, forgetfulness, and neglectfulness themselves, wondering how you might get them to change their behaviors. You then follow up by recognizing that your real issue relates to your sense that these behaviors may not be normal.

Ostensibly, if you were convinced that your teenagers’ behavior is normal, you would simply be annoyed. If you recognized that their behavior is not normal, that would be a bigger problem for you. I wonder whether you have a specific concern, or if the simple fact of their behavior being “abnormal” is a problem for you in and of itself.

For instance, are you concerned that your kids’ disorganization and forgetfulness are indicative of possible ADHD? Do you worry that they will never learn how to become responsible adults? Or are you simply worried that they are “not normal?”

Of course, there are many ways to define the word “normal.” For many, “normal” is synonymous with “the norm.” Whatever the average person does would, by definition, be normal. For others, as long as a behavior conforms to the actions of a certain percentage of the population it is considered to be normal.

However, I would completely disregard the “normal” versus “abnormal” labels in favor of “problematic” versus “non-problematic” or “adaptive” versus “maladaptive.” If a behavior is indicative of—or will lead to—emotional or adaptive issues, it is a problem. After all, if my child is “abnormal” in the sense that he enjoys playing the tuba or is able to do complex mathematics in his head, I probably won’t view that as a problem. If he is “normal” in the sense that he sometimes gets anxious and depressed, I might want to address this.  

As parents (and in fact often in general) we can get caught up in what is considered to be normal, automatically associating “normal” with “positive” and “abnormal” with “problematic.” As parents, it is our job to help our children to become happy, adaptive, well-functioning individuals, not to make sure that they are normal. Additionally, we don’t want our children to get the message that unless they conform to all societal norms there is something wrong with them.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

  psychotherapist in private practice

  Woodmere, NY

  adjunct professor at Touro University

  Graduate School of Social Work

  author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

  www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200

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