Dear Therapist:
I really was not doing well during my mesivta years. I got into a lot of trouble and was a bit out of control. Baruch Hashem, I found myself the right yeshiva and I am really doing good now. I have cleaned up a lot of the issues that I was having trouble with in the past. Over the years people had pushed me to go to therapy but I was never really interested. Now, my parents are bringing it up again and I am more open to it. But since I am doing well, I am not really sure what I would be doing there. My parents seem to think that I have to deal with whatever was bothering me in the past. As far as I am concerned the past is the past and I am focused on the future. I am also a bit worried about "rocking the boat." I would appreciate your opinion on if someone like me still needs therapy or should I just let things go for now and if I have trouble again in the future I could always go then?
Response:
In reading the first half of your submission, your question seems to be whether you should consider your parents’ sense that your issues should be dealt with, or whether you should make your decision based on your own understanding. When viewing the question from this relatively narrow perspective and from a simplex standpoint, the answer would seem to be that you know yourself better that your parents do. Thus, whether therapy is something that is necessary should be based on your own understanding of your situation and needs.
The advantage that your beliefs have over your parents’ is the fact that you have the “inside scoop” with regard to your own thoughts and emotions. Looking at this from a slightly deeper perspective, however, your parents have the advantage of a more objective standpoint. They are perhaps better able to step back and recognize factors that you may be suppressing or simply not noticing. Additionally, they have the advantage of the experience and wisdom that (hopefully) comes with age.
As I continued reading, a few points struck me. Firstly, you mention the “past” and the “future” a few times. Your emphasis on leaving the past in the past leaves me wondering whether your protestations suggest the use of a defense mechanism that is keeping your from dealing with underlying issues.
You also mention your concern with regard to “rocking the boat.” To my previous point, this concern seems to hint at your sense that there is an issue you are not addressing. Typically, when we use unconscious emotional defenses to avoid dealing with a problem, the problem and its resultant emotional issues build up. As time goes on, these issues become increasingly more difficult to address, due to increased levels of emotion, reinforced defenses, the distance in time from origins and causes, and other factors.
Ultimately, seeing a therapist is your own decision. I think that it would be wise to consider as many factors as possible rather than going with your gut (your gut may be leading you in the wrong direction). If you are concerned that therapy might bring out negative emotions that you are currently suppressing, recognize that suppression is a limited, short-term solution that is likely to harm you in the long run. Also, recognize that the therapy session is yours. It is your right—in fact your responsibility—to be an integral part of the process. This includes decisions about what to discuss and how to address issues. Just as going to therapy (and with whom) is your choice, what you do in therapy is your choice as well.
-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW
psychotherapist in private practice
Woodmere, NY
adjunct professor at Touro University
Graduate School of Social Work
author of Self-Esteem: A Primer
www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200
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