Dear Therapist:

I teach in a mesivta for boys who have struggled in the past. I have a talmid who is a good boy with real potential.

He is always starting something big. He’ll decide he’s waking up at 5:00 a.m. to run, or taking on an intense learning schedule, or some ambitious new goal. It sounds impressive, but it never lasts. After a short time, he burns out and feels down, and then another big plan takes its place.

I’m starting to feel that it’s not really about the goals themselves. It seems like he needs something dramatic to feel good about himself. Steady, day-to-day growth does not seem to give him that same feeling.

Where does this pattern come from? And how can I help him build a sense of self that does not depend on constant intensity?

Response:

The burnout you’re describing is not uncommon. You are likely correct in your assumption that this relates to self-esteem. In a way, this boy’s tendency to continually search for the next thing that will make him feel good about himself is actually preferable to one alternative. Sometimes, we see individuals base their entire sense of self on a single area. In a yeshiva setting, this often centers on learning.

Many of us know someone who invests nearly all of their mental and emotional energy into becoming a great learner, identifying almost entirely through that role. Their unconscious goal is to feel good about themselves. They may begin modestly—adding an hour to their learning schedule—but when this does not produce the expected emotional result, they add more time and more commitments. Because their true motivation is not the learning itself, but rather the hope of finally liking themselves, these efforts never accomplish what they expect. Eventually, the emotional and mental energy expended without achieving that internal payoff leads to burnout. In some cases, what was once called a “nervous breakdown” is simply the collapse of a sense of self that has become overly dependent on one narrow aspect of life.

Ideally, self-esteem should be grounded in how we feel about ourselves intrinsically. I have spoken and written extensively about developing this kind of foundation. A healthy sense of self is based on who we are, rather than on external factors such as what we have, what we accomplish, what we look like, what we believe others think of us, or what we do—including learning.

At the same time, this can be a complex and abstract process, and it is not always the first path people are ready to take. The next best option is to build a sense of self across multiple areas rather than relying on only one. Instead of feeling good about myself solely because of a single achievement—such as financial success—I may derive satisfaction from friendships, family relationships, accomplishments, interests, and other aspects of life. While this may not yet represent fully intrinsic self-esteem, it creates stability by preventing identity from resting on a single pillar.

There is a reason many yeshivas encourage extracurricular activities. The goal is not merely achievement or recreation, but helping students develop a broader and more stable sense of self.

The boy you describe appears capable of investing in different sources of externalized self-esteem. The difficulty is that he focuses intensely on only one at a time. Working toward intrinsically based self-esteem would certainly help him. But as an initial step, it may be more realistic to encourage him to cultivate multiple areas simultaneously rather than pursuing one dramatic change after another. These areas should be varied and not all connected to learning. For example, he might learn to feel good about himself through learning, friendships, sports, hobbies, or creative pursuits such as music.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

psychotherapist in private practice

Woodmere, NY

adjunct professor at Touro University

Graduate School of Social Work

author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200

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