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Dear Therapist:
I have some trouble making decisions. I am not really talking about big decisions like getting married or what yeshiva to send my kids to. I actually do ok with that. It is the smaller things like where to go for Shabbos and what suit to buy and things like that which take up way too much time in my life and occupy my thoughts too much. I just go back and forth and back and forth, and it can be almost comical. It can wind up being pretty frustrating for those around me. What tools do you think I can use to help myself make these choices quicker? Or do you think this is a more significant issue and I should see a therapist for it?
Response:
A similar concern was addressed a few months ago. Much of my response will be similar to the previous one with some adjustments to more directly address your particular situation.
Trouble making decisions can be caused by a number of factors. In your case, we can be fairly certain that legitimate, conscious concerns can be discounted as the cause. Generally, these types of concerns are more prominent when faced with important decisions. (I could make the case that more pressure can lead to increased repression of fears—thus allowing for ease in making harder decisions. However, this may be a stretch, and nothing that you mentioned leads me to believe that this is the case for you.)
If the cause for your indecision is not a conscious, logical, concern, we are left with unconscious concerns—those of which you are not aware. Simply put, you recognize that you should make decisions without the constant back-and-forth. Since you nonetheless have trouble with this, there is clearly something going on “under the surface” of which you currently have little control.
On a surface level, it seems interesting that you are able to make important decisions more easily that smaller ones. When we dig a little deeper, however, this can make quite a bit of sense.
When faced with a decision that clearly has important consequences, you may be readily able to acknowledge your unconscious fears, thus converting them into conscious concerns. For instance, if you are considering various yeshivas for you child, the consequences of your decision are clear. Therefore, you can easily access your fears (such as that of messing up). Once you are aware of your fears, your conscious mind is perfectly capable of working them through. When faced with a minor decision, however, it is so obvious that there is nothing to be afraid of that your conscious mind immediately dismisses any attempt to access underlying fears.
It is usually important for people to understand their fears and insecurities so as to focus their mental energies in the proper direction. The unconscious mind often uses misdirection to “protect” the person from stress, anxiety, specific fears, insecurities, and many other thoughts and feelings that are determined (unconsciously) to be problematic. Unfortunately, as an entity created in childhood, the unconscious mind often reverts back to childhood strategies. This can block the conscious mind from challenging the false beliefs and assumptions that are presented by the unconscious mind.
Often, people who are indecisive do not have very good self-esteem. As such, they don’t feel confident in their thoughts and beliefs. Making a decision can feel like a referendum on their decision-making capabilities, and thus a reflection on them more generally. This is not typically something that occurs on a conscious level. But this usually makes the impulse stronger rather than weaker.
Another factor that often comes into play is the need for control. Naturally, it seems that someone who has trouble making decisions is actually not in control of the situation. Again, however, this is typically not a conscious process. Rather, on a conscious level the person simply has trouble making decisions. They get stuck on “fake” concerns, like whether they should buy a blue or black suit. To an outside observer, it appears that the level of concern greatly outweighs the consequences of choosing wrong.
The person making the decision is looking at the same factors. However, since they are not aware of the real problem—like needing to be perfect—their conscious focus is on the actual decision (blue vs. black) but their emotions are responding to the underlying issue (the need for control). In order to make sense of this discrepancy, the ever-resourceful mind works under the surface to come up with reasons that this decision “should” be difficult. The person may convince himself that choosing the wrong suit would somehow be problematic.
Until the person begins recognizing their underlying fears, decisions can be difficult. This doesn’t necessarily mean that they wouldn’t learn to make decisions. Even if they do, however, it may never feel easy.
Perhaps this is something that you can do on your own. If you are able to identify the general underlying fear (of losing control; of doing something wrong; of not being perfect; of messing up; etc.), you can learn to acknowledge this fear within each situation. If done properly, over time you will likely find that you need to do this progressively less. If, however, this doesn’t occur, or if it becomes clear that your issues run deeper than decision-making, a therapist can help you to identify and deal with these.
-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW
psychotherapist in private practice
Woodmere, NY
adjunct professor at Touro University
Graduate School of Social Work
author of Self-Esteem: A Primer
www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200
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