Dear Therapist:

I am a single boy who has been dating for 4 years. Whenever I start dating I get tremendous pressure from my parents to get married. I can’t think straight when I am dating because of all the pressure; of course, the shaddchanim join in as well. I have started saying no to any shidduchim that are read to me because I can’t put myself through this again. My parents seem to think that all the girls I have dated are pretty much appropriate and I just need a “push.” They undoubtedly have my best interests in mind but I don’t think that approach is good for me. Can you give me some advice on how to approach them?

Response:

There seem to be two aspects to this situation.  The first is your direct question of how to approach your parents to help them understand your position.  You want them to recognize that the pressure they place on you is achieving the exact opposite of what they think it will.  As you state, they have your best interests at heart and appear to believe that pressuring you will make it easier for you to commit—and will ultimately lead to happiness for you.  What you want them to understand is that you have the same goals, but that their pressure is making it significantly harder for you to achieve those goals.

It sounds as if you’re concerned about your parents’ reaction to your perspective.  I think that it’s important for you to identify your specific concerns.  This can demystify these concerns, making it easier for you to approach your parents.  Sometimes, the most difficult part of having this type of conversation is simply broaching the subject.  Assuming that you have a positive and open relationship with your parents, the actual discussion might not be very difficult. 

One reason that initiating the conversation may be hard for you is that you don’t want to hurt your parents’ feelings.  Perhaps you think that they would be insulted at the insinuation that they’re doing something to harm you.  Or maybe you’re afraid that they won’t understand.  Once you acknowledge your concerns, you can begin to address them.  For example, after some thought, you might clearly recognize that your parents are unlikely to be hurt—or that any hurt feeling would be transitory and more than offset by the resulting positive changes.  Or you may realize that the fear of your parents not understanding your feelings is based on childhood experiences, but not relevant within your adult relationship with them.

Do your parents read the Yated?  Perhaps you could bring this column to their attention.  If you were to discuss this week’s Q&A with them from a more objective standpoint, it might be easier for them to separate any emotional reactions from their logical perspective.  This can help you ease into a discussion about your situation.

The other aspect inherent in your situation is the reason that pressure (from your parents or others) is so problematic for you.  Certainly, I think that most people would be bothered by constant pressure to get married.  However, it sounds as if your reaction is stronger than you want it to be.  Once again, identifying the reasons behind your reaction can help to mitigate it.  For example, if part of your feeling is based on a sense that your parents are disappointed in you, acknowledging this feeling can help you to challenge it with the current recognition that this is not the case, and that this sense is simply based on childhood emotions and experiences.

Hopefully, some introspection can help you in both areas.  It can help you to better deal with your feelings and reactions to the pressure and with your fear of discussing your concerns with your parents.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

  psychotherapist in private practice

 Brooklyn, NY

 author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

 www.ylcsw.com / 718-258-5317

Disclaimer

The contents of this blog, including text, graphics, images, and other material are for informational purposes only.  Nothing contained in this blog is, or should be considered or used as, a substitute for professional medical or mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment.  Never disregard medical advice from your doctor or other qualified health care provider or delay seeking it because of something you have read on the Internet, including on this blog.  We urge you to seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health professional with any questions you may have regarding a medical or mental health condition.  In case of emergency, please call your doctor or 911 immediately.  The information contained on or provided through this blog is provided on an "as is" basis, without any warranty, express or implied. Any access to this blog is voluntary and at your own risk.