Dear Therapist:
My son is a great boy, kind, sincere, and easygoing. He recently got engaged, and baruch Hashem the kallah seems like an excellent girl.
One thing I’ve noticed over the years is that he can be a little absent-minded. He forgets small things sometimes. But now that he’s engaged, I’ve seen a few moments where he forgot to follow up on something he told his kallah, or didn’t realize how something innocent might come off as hurtful. I know it’s not intentional but I do wonder if these things could build up or be misunderstood over time.
At the same time, I don’t want to be that parent who’s constantly pointing things out or making him feel like he’s not doing well enough. Is it worth saying something, or should I stay out of it and trust that they’ll figure it out together?
Response:
There’s an old maxim: “A parent’s job is never done.” The question is whether this is because there are always things we should be doing for our kids, or simply things we feel the need to do.
From a general perspective, as parents we need to find a balance between protecting our kids from themselves and helping them learn to do the same on their own. Ideally, as children grow older, parental involvement should naturally diminish. At some point, our guidance should become minimal to none. But because each person is different and no two relationships are alike, there’s no single rule to follow.
Some kids become independent very early, almost naturally. Others seem to need support for much longer. It’s important for us, as parents, to stay focused on our ultimate goal: for our children not to need us. That means allowing them to learn life lessons, to make mistakes they can grow from, and to develop into the mature, understanding, well-adjusted adults that we pretend to be (kidding… kind of).
Of course, there are times when we clearly see a problem our child isn’t recognizing or addressing—and we believe the risk of ongoing issues outweighs the benefits of letting natural learning take its course.
But even then, we need to ask ourselves: to what degree is our urge to step in driven by our own need to control the situation, and to what degree is it truly about our child’s long-term well-being?
Sometimes we feel a strong need to act, but when we step back, we realize that doing so will likely backfire. Other times, we avoid saying anything for fear of disturbing the status quo—even when, logically, stepping in would be the wiser choice.
I don’t know what your relationship with your son is like, or how he reacts to feedback (even constructive feedback). You seem concerned about how he might take your input. Is that because past experience tells you he reacts strongly when he feels criticized? Or is it possible you’re projecting your own insecurities onto him? If you do decide to speak with him, keep in mind both his personality and the nature of your relationship.
Generally speaking, it’s helpful to use “I” language. For example, “I worry about how your kallah might feel when something slips through the cracks,” rather than, “When you neglect your kallah, she gets upset.” Another way to soften the conversation is to share your own similar mistakes. This can help to normalize his missteps, which makes it easier for him to accept gentle guidance.
-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW
psychotherapist in private practice
Woodmere, NY
adjunct professor at Touro University
Graduate School of Social Work
author of Self-Esteem: A Primer
www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200
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