Dear Therapist:

My husband recently revealed to me that he has been going to therapy for the last 6 months. I had no idea that he was going or that anything was wrong. I thought we BH had a good marriage and were doing well raising our family. When I asked him why he is going he says there are certain things he wanted to discuss with someone but refuses to tell me what they are. He won't even tell me the name of the person he is seeing. I am completely locked out here. Is this considered normal? Is this acceptable practice for someone who is in therapy? Please give some hadracha in how to deal with this?

Response:

Just as no two people are exactly alike, no two relationships are the same.  The response to your questions would largely depend on the type of person your husband is and the nature of your marital relationship.  Some people are generally more private than others.  Many people have specific areas of sensitivity that they don’t feel comfortable discussing.

If your husband is insecure about a particular issue or feeling, he may not be comfortable discussing this with anyone, especially someone who he feels might view him differently.  Your husband’s therapist is someone with whom he has a once-a-week relationship in a clinical setting—and he can terminate the entire relationship whenever he wishes.  This can make it bearable for him to talk about issues that he might otherwise never properly resolve.

Alternately, your husband might have an issue that relates to your relationship with him.  If this is the case, he may be uncomfortable discussing it with you specifically…or perhaps he doesn’t want you to feel hurt by something that upsets him.  Regardless, if your sense is that your husband simply needs a safe and impartial person with whom to discuss his feelings, it’s important to allow him this space in order for him to deal with his issues on his own terms.  The fact that he spoke with you about being in therapy may be his way of letting you know that he will further open up to you at a rate at which he feels comfortable.

If the two of you generally have an open relationship (within which you discuss fears, insecurities, emotions, and embarrassing issues) this situation would appear to be a departure from the norm.  It can certainly be frustrating to see your intimate relationship seemingly take a turn toward secrecy. 

Recognize, however, that everyone has secrets.  Some relate to past actions or experiences, and others relate to feelings like guilt, embarrassment, or insecurity.  I’m sure that there are some things that you wouldn’t discuss with your husband simply because it would be uncomfortable.  You probably don’t view this as withholding information because it seems to affect you alone.  The difference may be that your husband is becoming more cognizant of some of his emotional issues and is learning to resolve them.

If your husband is finally working on emotions that negatively affect him, he probably feels that therapy is the venue in which he can unselfconsciously do so without the fear of being embarrassed or disparaged.  Depending on the issue, your husband’s personality, and his communication methods, his disclosure of the fact that he’s in therapy may be the first step toward the strengthening of your relationship.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

  psychotherapist in private practice

 Brooklyn, NY

 author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

 www.ylcsw.com / 718-258-5317

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