Dear Therapist:

My husband recently started going to therapy, and I can see that it’s been good for him. He seems calmer and more focused, and I know he’s working on himself. I really do want to be supportive and I’m glad it’s helping him—but at the same time, it leaves me a bit lost.

He’s thinking differently, approaching things in new ways, and meanwhile I feel like I’m still in the same place. It’s not that I’m against therapy, but sometimes I wonder what happens when one spouse is growing in a new direction, and the other isn’t sure where that leaves them.

Is this something that happens often? What do you do when it feels like one person is changing and the other isn’t?

Response:

We often hear that marriage is built on communication. That makes sense—but do we really need to be told this? Every relationship is built on communication. Without it, what would the relationship consist of?

More than communication itself, I’d say that relationships are built on mutual understanding. Since understanding comes through communication, it can seem like communication is the key—but really, it’s the understanding that matters.

“Understanding” means different things to different people. One common issue in relationships is the assumptions we make about the other person’s thoughts, feelings, and motivations. Often, these are based on our own insecurities or needs. We project them onto the other person, leading to misunderstandings—and often hurt.

So, real communication means talking about each other’s thoughts and feelings. Without that, we tend to project our own views onto the other person. At best, this leads to distance. At worst, to resentment or pain.

It sounds like you’re not fully aware of what’s going on with your husband’s progress in therapy. That may be his choice—but have you asked? Does he know how you feel about the changes? Even if he’s hesitant to talk about therapy itself, he may be open to sharing his new perspective.

Without that understanding, you may feel unsure of where you stand. Even if your earlier understanding wasn’t ideal, it was familiar. Now you’re adjusting to a new reality, which can be tiring and confusing.

If you can talk openly about how each of you is feeling, you’re more likely to find clarity. If your husband is open to it, joining him in a session or two might help ease the transition and offer a space to talk more freely. His therapist can also help you avoid falling into old communication habits.

Maybe your relationship had stagnated somewhat before. Maybe it hadn’t. But it sounds like assumptions played a part. This might be an opportunity to shift how you communicate and understand one another.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

  psychotherapist in private practice

  Woodmere, NY

  adjunct professor at Touro University

  Graduate School of Social Work

  author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

  www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200

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