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Dear Therapist:
I was supposed to go to Eretz Yisroel this summer—something I earned as a reward and that I have been looking forward to for a long time. But with the current situation, the trip was cancelled, and even though I completely understand why, I’m having a very hard time dealing with it.
I feel disappointed, frustrated, and even a little embarrassed, like I was all ready for something that just got taken away. It isn’t the first time this has happened to me either. Everyone keeps saying “It’ll happen in the right time,” but right now, it just feels like a big loss.
How do I deal with this kind of disappointment in a healthy way? I know there are bigger problems in the world, and this is not the main issue that is facing Klal Yisroel but I have never been so frustrated in my life. Any thoughts that could help me with this problem that objectively I feel like I should “get over it?”
Response:
It seems that your emotions are not aligned with your logical thought. You recognize that you “shouldn’t” feel as upset as you do, and you’re struggling both with the emotions themselves and with the sense that your reaction is somehow not appropriate to the situation.
First, let’s acknowledge that there’s no such thing as “appropriate” or “inappropriate” feelings. Feelings simply exist. When we feel something, there’s a reason for it. We may not fully understand the triggers or underlying causes, but there is always a confluence of factors that leads to an emotional response.
You mentioned several different emotions tied to the change in your summer plans—disappointment, frustration, embarrassment, and a sense of loss. You also noted that this isn’t the first time something like this has happened to you.
It can be difficult to fully understand even one strong emotion. When multiple feelings hit at once, it can feel overwhelming and confusing. A good first step may be to focus on one feeling at a time.
I wonder to what extent you’re affected by a deeper sense that you just can’t catch a break—that things don’t work out for you. People around you are trying to offer comfort by saying things like, “It’ll happen at the right time,” but do you feel like things typically don’t happen at the right time for you? Does that create a broader sense that life isn’t fair? Could this be contributing to your frustration, disappointment, and embarrassment?
Are you feeling embarrassed because it seems like something is wrong with you? (That’s often at the root of embarrassment.) If so, this could also be adding to your emotional load.
As for the trip itself—what, specifically, were you looking forward to? Was it the feeling of being away? The camaraderie? The trips and activities? Understanding exactly what you feel like you’ve lost can help you process that loss more clearly.
These are the kinds of questions I would ask myself if I feeling the way that you are. The more insight you gain into what’s behind your feelings, the easier it becomes to bring your emotions in line with your logical understanding. And that alignment can help you begin to feel better—even if the disappointment is still real.
-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW
psychotherapist in private practice
Woodmere, NY
adjunct professor at Touro University
Graduate School of Social Work
author of Self-Esteem: A Primer
www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200
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