Dear Therapist:

My son’s yeshiva has been putting some pressure on me and my wife to send him for therapy. The primary reason for this seems to be because he has been getting in trouble at school. Not serious trouble but being disruptive in class. My son has a great personality and is a leader, so I am sure that this is partly why the focus is on him. The yeshiva is insistent that he should be seen by a therapist because they assume that there is something wrong, but I think he just has a long day and gets a bit antsy and wants to have some fun. It’s not appropriate, but kids have misbehaved in school since time immemorial and I don’t see why we need to turn it into a whole parsha and diagnosis. Furthermore, what can a therapist help anyway? They can’t make the day shorter and less stressful for him. Essentially what I am worried about is that the yeshiva is having trouble controlling the class and can’t figure out a way to deal with it so they are picking on the kid with the most personality and sending him to a therapist to see if the therapist can make him behave. Is that even a proper goal for therapy? Can you please clarify if there indeed is a makom and benefit for therapy in this case or I should push back and advocate that the yeshiva needs to deal with it internally? 

Response:

You mention that your son’s behavior seems to be the primary reason that the yeshiva wants him to seek therapy. This is very vague. With whom in the yeshiva was this discussed? Was it one particular staff member, or was there a meeting with teachers and other key staff members? Do they have a mental health professional on staff—or consulting—who recommended therapy based on their assessment? How specific were they about their concerns? Did you question their assertions? If so, were they clear about what they hoped that therapy would accomplish? If your son’s behavior is his primary issue, what other issues were discussed?

If you don’t have much more information than you mentioned, you should certainly follow up with the yeshiva. Perhaps they believe that your son’s behavioral issues are due to an underlying problem (like general unhappiness, anger issues, impulsivity or attention issues). If this is the case, this concern should be properly discussed and fleshed out.

Naturally, nothing occurs in a vacuum. If someone acts out, there is a reason behind it. The question is whether that reason is something that should be addressed within the school or if it is beyond the bounds of the school’s capability. To some extent this is dependent on the degree to which the problem is behavioral versus underlying (related to thoughts and emotions). The yeshiva could make the argument that they do deal appropriately with behavioral issues, but that there appears to be something else going on that needs to be addressed separately.

Of course, thoughts, emotions, and behavior are all interlinked. It impossible to determine exactly which behaviors are due to specific thoughts, feelings, or impulses. The yeshiva cannot identify specific issues that lead your son to misbehave. As you say, it may well be “normal.”  The question becomes pragmatic. Is the yeshiva insisting that your son seek therapy because they don’t want to deal with the issue? Or have they tried to apply their normal methods, but feel that they are not capable of changing your son’s behavior? If they simply cannot correct the problem, are they willing to continue putting up with what they may deem as unacceptable? If they cannot correct the problem, even if they are willing to accept the situation, do you want your son to learn that inappropriate behavior is acceptable?

Even if the issue is primarily behavioral in nature, this doesn’t necessarily mean that outside help is not needed. As discussed, nothing is purely behavioral. One of the therapist’s initial goals will be to determine whether there is a problem on an underlying level. If the determination is that there is no significant underlying issue, the therapist can nonetheless help your son to view any impulses and his behavior from a more adaptive perspective.  

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

 psychotherapist in private practice

 Brooklyn, NY

 author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

 www.ylcsw.com / 718-258-5317

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