Dear Therapist:

Our son had a rough few years—emotionally, socially, and in his yiddishkeit. Over the past 2 years in yeshiva in Eretz Yisroel there was a real turnaround. He connected with his rebbeim, grew in his learning, and seemed more stable and happier overall. We were so grateful to see him in a better place.

He came home for Pesach and has been back since, and little by little, we’re seeing some of the old patterns creeping back in. He seems more closed off, less motivated, and even though he is in a yeshiva here he isn’t as connected as he was while in Eretz Yisroel. It’s scary to watch, especially after having come so far.

Is this kind of shift normal after the inspiration he had in yeshiva? What is the best way to be on top of this so that he doesn’t spiral? And how do we know if this is just a phase—or something more concerning?

Response:

Without more information, it’s difficult for me to respond in a comprehensive manner. You spoke of your son’s rough years in various areas, and you refer to old habits creeping back in. However, your description of how he has been recently is more specific: you mention that he appears more closed off, less motivated, and less connected.

My very first thought was: Have you discussed your concerns with your son? I know that no two relationships are exactly the same, and I don’t know what your communication is like with him. Some parents are afraid to ask questions, worried that bringing things up might somehow make their fears more real. When this happens, we sometimes don’t acknowledge this fear. And when we do, we often tell ourselves the fear is about making things more real for our child—though, more often, the fear has more to do with us as parents.

Of course, there are times when it’s best to leave well enough alone. There are relationships in which our input may not be particularly helpful. However, more often than not, open communication can be very helpful. It can show your son that you care. It might alleviate some of your fears.

Ironically, our head-in-the-sand defense tends to make us more anxious, not less. Our unconscious minds typically generate anxiety and fear connected to worst-case scenarios. When fear leads us to avoid a situation—consciously or unconsciously—it usually increases rather than decreases our sense of dread. A frank conversation can actually reduce this dread. Additionally, it can give us information about steps we might take to help.

If your son is depressed or otherwise struggling, he probably feels alone. He may feel that no one else has these kinds of emotional struggles. He might feel hopeless. Knowing that he is not alone—whether in having these issues or in dealing with them—can be more helpful than you might imagine.

I don’t know exactly what it was about being away that helped him grow in so many areas. Your son himself may not fully know. Perhaps this is something that you—or a therapist—can help him explore. Regardless, knowing that he has people with whom he can open up (whether parents, friends, or others) can help him feel less alone and more hopeful about regaining a positive perspective.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

  psychotherapist in private practice

  Woodmere, NY

  adjunct professor at Touro University

  Graduate School of Social Work

  author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

  www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200

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