Dear Therapist:

I am struggling with a problem I fear is most uncommon. I have recently started practicing as a therapist. This is a positive thing, or at least it should be. My concern is that some friends of mine from the past have begun to resent speaking with me because they feel that I will automatically treat them as clients. This is mostly, but not limited to, secret or personal events in their lives. My question is, as therapists what are your ways of distancing business from social life? Especially since a lot of the job of a therapist is to be “noseh be'ol.” 

Thank you.

Response:

On a casual level, your problem is probably quite common. Many of my friends and acquaintances have wondered out loud whether I would psychoanalyze them. Most say this jokingly (although they say that there is some truth in every joke). If your friends simply mention their concern, but don’t seem to be acting differently around you—or if they become more comfortable as time goes on—your relationship should mostly return to “pre-therapist” status.

There are, however, people who are concerned that a therapist might treat them differently than their other friends would. Specifically, some people fear that a therapist can discover the feelings, needs, and insecurities underlying their words and actions.

As a society, we tend to define ourselves as based on various external labels. We therefore often project this tendency onto others, “defining” them based on their external labels. The most common external label is that attached to a job or career. Many of us will feel differently toward someone who practices as a doctor than toward someone who has a job as an accountant. Even if these two people have similar personalities, it can be difficult for many of us to separate the external label from the essence of the person.

The primary reason for externally-based classification is our trouble viewing ourselves from an intrinsic perspective (based on our essence: thoughts, feelings, personality, interests, etc.). By extension, our tendency to view others externally generally comes from the lack of self-esteem that is reinforced by externally-based self-definition.

People who are steeped in this form of classification often attempt to protect their fragile sense of self by avoiding or opposing anything that they feel may highlight or challenge it. For some, the concern that someone might be able to pierce their armor, thereby exposing their fragility, can be frightening.

Do you view yourself differently now that you “became a therapist?” If so, might you project this feeling so that others pick up on it? Even if your immediate response is that you don’t, upon some introspection you may discover that you do feel a bit differently toward yourself—and that this may be apparent to others. Regardless, recognizing that some people may perceive you differently can help you to avoid actions and speech patterns that can trigger their sensitivity to being analyzed.

From a theoretical perspective, the best way to separate your professional life from your personal life—and indeed to become a happier person—is not to take yourself too seriously. Don’t define yourself as a professional (or based on anything else that is external to your intrinsic nature). When you are acting in a professional capacity, you may come across as analytical, focused, serious, and empathetic. This persona, however, should not bleed through to your personal life, except to the extent that it exists at the core of your personality. In a social setting, simply being yourself (whether this includes being silly, loud, uninhibited, etc.) can help others to recognize that you don’t mix business with pleasure.

You mention that a therapist’s job is to accept the burden of others. This is a noble sentiment. However, inherent in this concept is the fact that this pertains specifically to the job. Nonetheless, you’re using this word with reference to personal relationships. Being there for others is commendable regardless of the circumstance, but I wonder if you feel like you’re always “on the job.” This can be both draining for you and intimidating for others. Allowing yourself to relax and drop your persona in social situations can help you to be a better friend, as well as a better spouse and parent.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

  psychotherapist in private practice

 Brooklyn, NY   |   Far Rockaway, NY

 author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

 www.ylcsw.com / 718-258-5317

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