Dear Therapist

My wife and I are married for five years. My wife is the youngest in her family and often her mother gives her opinions or makes requests that she feels that she can't decline. She is also very often the person who has to take care of family events. She would like to stand up for herself and be able to decline, how she can do that in a way that won’t offend.
I also feel that, while I respect my mother in law, she sometimes oversteps her place, in areas where I feel that I should be the one to make decisions.

Response

In families, individual roles are tend to be defined in childhood and continuously reinforced as the family matures and changes.  Roles can include the responsible child, the scapegoat, the rebel, etc.  These roles are generally shaped based on the perceived needs within the family.  This perception can be that of the child, or one created by multiple family members or by the family as a whole.

When a role becomes too rigid, this is often due to a variety of factors, which usually reinforce the child’s needs.  Examples of these needs include the alleviation of guilt, a sense of responsibility to keep the family from becoming chaotic, and building a sense of self around the role.  Even once the original family members are married with their own families, these roles often persist.  Depending on many factors, including the original needs, personal development, and roles within the current family, roles can be reinforced to the point that they seem unchangeable.

If we do not identify the causes and development of our roles, we tend to assume that they are the result of current issues, family obligations, or legitimate needs.  These often erroneous beliefs can be continuously supported by original and/or current family members.  If we don’t recognize these needs and unhealthy relationships, we tend to assume that our roles are a part of our personalities or simply ingrained habits.  It is only once we acknowledge possible underlying needs that we can begin separating appropriate actions and beliefs from those rooted in childhood insecurities.

I don’t know what your wife’s role was as a child (responsible; scapegoat; easygoing) or if that role has continued or evolved.  Your wife can ask herself if her mother is generally demanding and overbearing, or if she acts this way only with her.  If their relationship issues are related to old, unhealthy family roles, understanding the original needs and the development of her role can be very helpful to your wife in beginning to change her childhood beliefs.

I imagine that logistically your wife can figure out how to respond to her mother—it seems that her siblings are able to effectively decline their mother’s requests.  If there are underlying needs, resolving them will make it easier for your wife to appropriately deal with her relationship with her mother.  Either way, it is important for your wife and you to work on a concerted strategy to begin changing the relationship and roles.  Though there may be fear of resentment and anger, doing so in a considerate yet firm manner can lead to a healthier, mutually respectful relationship.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

  psychotherapist in private practice

  author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

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