Dear Therapist:

I’ve always been the type to think a lot—about people, situations, conversations, and about “life” in general. Sometimes I pick up on things others don’t, and I think that’s a strength. But it also makes me anxious and depressed. I also tend to be a little cynical. I replay things in my head, overanalyze, and sometimes get sad and discouraged when I look at what is going on around me.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m just a deep thinker, or if I’m just overthinking everything. I look at other people who seem more relaxed, and I don’t know if they’re emotionally healthier or just not thinking so much. Is it just that “ignorance is bliss”? How can I preserve my insight and not have it affect my happiness?

Response:

One of the things you wonder is whether you’re overthinking. By definition, overthinking means thinking more than you should. So, you’re assuming that you think more than is good for you. The question is: what makes you think this? Do you have a clear, objective indication that your thought process is problematic? More importantly, have you given proper thought to what you actually believe about the appropriate method of thinking? If everyone you knew thought exactly the way you do, would that alleviate your concern? And if so, how much?

You wonder whether other people are more emotionally healthy than you, or if they simply don’t overthink. The possibility you don’t seem to be considering is that others are neither healthier nor thinking less. Perhaps many of the people you refer to actually feel the same way you do. (Just as you may not share your inner thoughts and feelings with others, they likely do the same.)

This is an important point, because we often get caught up in thought cycles: I think too much about certain things and I feel sad. I wonder whether I think too much, which makes me anxious—and makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me. This just makes me obsess even more about whatever it was I assumed I was overthinking in the first place.

Let’s set aside the amount of overthinking that’s due to this type of thought cycling. If you consider only the emotion directly related to the issue that bothers you, is your reaction actually problematic? The real question is: to what extent are you bothered by the fact that you overthink, and to what extent are you bothered by the content of what you contemplate?

Put another way: does overthinking bother you because you view it as unhealthy or abnormal? Or are you unhappy with the level and frequency of sadness and discouragement it brings?

If you knew that your feelings were perfectly normal, would it still bother you that you occasionally get sad about things that matter to you? Or might you actually appreciate your sensitivity—just as you appreciate your ability to notice things that others might not? If you had a friend who was this sensitive, would you value that quality in them?

You say you sometimes get sad or discouraged by what goes on around you. Like everything else, sadness, discouragement, and anxiety exist on a spectrum. We all experience them at times. If you feel these emotions more strongly than what makes sense to you—or if they significantly affect your overall happiness—it may be related to how you feel about your feelings. Recognizing that your reactions are valid and normal may help you to obsess less. If, however, your thought process tends to be clearly obsessive in a way that significantly impacts your mood, that’s something worth addressing directly.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

 psychotherapist in private practice

 Woodmere, NY

 adjunct professor at Touro University

 Graduate School of Social Work

 author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

 www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200

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