Dear Therapist:

I am aware of someone who is emotionally unhealthy and demonstrates real negative verbal abuse such as constantly putting others down/bad name calling, explosive reactions, and ignoring and not caring about others’ needs.  This person is completely incapable of raising children and constantly lashing out at them and destroying them to pieces. 
I am very concerned for these children and the negative effects the unhealthy environment is having on them. Is there anything that can be done in such a situation? I am not able to recommend help, and the party/parties involved will never recognize the problem and will not agree to it. I feel as if my hands are tied but I am pained to observe such a sad situation. Anything the panelists can recommend? 

Response:

Unfortunately, what you are referring to is not as uncommon as we would hope. There are many people who are mentally unhealthy or unstable. Despite this, many are raising children, and heading families.

When we see a problem that is obvious to us, it can be difficult to accept the fact that others don’t necessarily see things in the way that we do. Many of us know someone who overeats despite their heart issues, or someone who smokes even though there are demonstrable ill effects. Though the solution—and the right thing to do—may be clear to us, sometimes we simply need to accept the fact that we cannot change others.

You’re talking about a situation in which children are being harmed. Naturally, this is a concern. The question is whether there is any way for you to help. If the problem is obvious, there must be others who are aware of it. You make it sound like your involvement with this family is casual. Are there people closer to the family who might be willing to step in? Do you know for a fact that no one is involved in trying to help?

You seem to indicate that there is nothing that you can do. Although you may feel that discussing the issue with this family will not be of help, this is your perspective based on your perceptions and your relationship with them. Every relationship is different, and people with different perspectives may be able to help effect change. Is there someone (a parent, a rabbi, or a close family friend) whose opinion they might trust and accept?

I certainly understand your desire to help these children and the family. Realistically, however, there may not be anything that you can do that would actually help. Depending on your relationship with this family and these kids, you may be able to offer emotional support, perhaps mitigating some of the negative effects. If this is not an option, your only course might be to discuss your concerns with someone who can help.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

 psychotherapist in private practice

 Brooklyn, NY

 author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

 www.ylcsw.com / 718-258-5317

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