Dear Therapist:
My son is in 11th grade, and he’s always been a picky eater—but it hasn’t improved with age. He does eat regularly and while he is skinny is basically a normal weight, so it’s not about body image or restricting food. But his diet is extremely limited: a few specific foods, no variety, and no interest in trying anything new.
It makes supper, and Shabbos meals hard. He won’t eat at other people’s homes and sometimes skips meals if nothing fits his narrow list. He often comes home from yeshiva at night starving because he didn’t bother to eat all day.
Is this kind of picky eating still “normal” at this age, or is it something we should be addressing? How could we address it? And how do we talk to him about it without it turning into a battle?
Response:
Your initial statement—that your son is a picky eater—seems to essentially sum it up. You go on to say that it’s not about body image or restriction. Assuming there’s no emotional aspect to his pickiness, I don’t see a strong need to intervene.
However, you seem to be concerned. Is your concern based on your own needs or assumptions? Are you embarrassed when your son refuses food at other people’s homes? Are you annoyed or hurt when he doesn’t eat what you make? Does it feel abnormal—and you want his eating habits to be “normal”?
You ask whether picky eating is normal at your son’s age. I’d frame the question a bit differently: Is your son’s picky eating a problem for him? “Normal” is a social construct. We judge it based on what we see others doing or what we believe they’re thinking or feeling. If your concern is simply that his eating habits don’t align with the perceived norm, that may be something you need to work on accepting.
That said, your assertion that your son doesn’t restrict himself doesn’t seem entirely accurate. From a narrow definition, I suppose you could say he doesn’t restrict—since he generally eats regularly. But you describe his diet as “extremely limited.” Although I don’t know exactly what he eats, it sounds like the list isn’t long—in either quantity or variety. And he does restrict himself by skipping meals when nothing he likes is available.
You’re asking how to address the problem. But first, we need to ask: Is this a problem—for him? And if it is, you’re understandably worried that bringing it up might lead to a fight. Beyond being unpleasant, that could actually make things worse by pushing him to dig in his heels. You mention discussing the problem with your son. If the issue is mostly (or partly) yours, that’s likely to come across in the conversation—and may be why you sense he’ll get defensive. And if there is an emotional component to his eating, confronting him may not get to the heart of the matter.
If this is just a habit, then it’s a choice—maybe not one you like, but his choice nonetheless. If it reflects an emotional issue, the eating behavior may be his (possibly immature) way of managing that issue. Either way, focusing directly on the eating itself probably won’t help.
If you set your own feelings aside, you may be better able to determine whether this is something he sees as a problem. If so, you’ll likely find that questions are more effective than statements. Asking whether his eating habits ever cause problems for him gives him a role in the conversation, rather than making him feel like he is the problem. Asking whether he’s thought about why he limits what he eats may help him feel heard—and possibly help him begin to reflect on the underlying cause.
As parents, we often feel a need to fix our children’s problems. But ultimately, our goal is to help them become independent and self-sufficient. As they grow, our role gradually shifts from problem-solver to support system—helping them learn to address their challenges in ways that work for them.
-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW
psychotherapist in private practice
Woodmere, NY
adjunct professor at Touro University
Graduate School of Social Work
author of Self-Esteem: A Primer
www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200
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