Dear Therapist:

I am a 17 year old girl and one of my closest friends is constantly saying very depressing things. I'm not always sure if she is serious or just doing it to get attention. I don't know if anyone else is aware of this but she definitely does not want me to tell anyone. Point is, I'm not really sure what to do about it. It's getting to be a bit much for me but if I don't listen to her and take her seriously I don't think she will have anyone else to go to. Can you please give me some advice as to how to deal with this situation?

Response:

There appear to be two parts to your question.  On the one hand, you want to know whether your friend is in need of help.  On the other hand, it sounds like you’re becoming overwhelmed with your friend’s issues, and want to know if there is a better way that you can handle your emotions with regard to them.

As you suggest, people will oftentimes say things for attention.  This can be especially so if your friend recognizes that her comments will go no further than you.  However, this can also be the case when there is a real concern; your friend may feel safe discussing her true feelings with you because she knows that you will keep them to yourself.

Unfortunately, it can be very difficult to separate fact from fiction without knowing more about the situation.  People can speak about depressing things for various reasons.  Depending on the types and frequency of comments, reasons can include a psychiatric disorder, attention-seeking, situational problems (like an ill relative), and changes in mood due to a medical issue (like a thyroid condition).

The most obvious psychiatric possibility is depression.  There are different types of depression.  As an example, dysthymia (a general type of depression that is often mild and chronic) is marked by feelings of sadness, and loss of interest in daily activities.  Other symptoms include: poor appetite or overeating, insomnia or hypersomnia, low energy or fatigue, low self-esteem, poor concentration or difficulty making decisions, and feelings of hopelessness. 

If you believe that your friend is depressed, remaining silent may not be the best choice.  Although you understandably want to keep her confidence—and don’t want her to lose the only person in whom she confides—you are not qualified to help her.  Regardless of the reasons for your friend’s comments, she is placing you in an unfair position.  She is naming you her confidant, but not “allowing” you to seek help for her.  Though this may be her intention, it is also possible that her negative comments may be her way (conscious or unconscious) of asking you for help.  Either way, you should not be put in this untenable position where you want to help but feel that your hands are tied.  At the very least, you should encourage your friend to seek professional help, stressing the fact that therapy is confidential.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

  psychotherapist in private practice

 Brooklyn, NY

 author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

 www.ylcsw.com / 718-258-5317

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