Dear Therapist:

I was wondering what ideas you would suggest for enhancing communication in a marriage. This is for a couple that has good shalom bayis and is looking to work on it. Somehow although things are going well, when disagreements happen it is the same thing over and over. So, it seems that although there is a discussion, these issues are not resolved.  I don't think in this case therapy is really on the table but perhaps there are some tools that you could share that we and hopefully others could find helpful. 

Response:

You seem to be describing a marriage in which two people who generally get along well have specific differences in viewpoint that lead to discussions that never get resolved. I think that any married couple reading this would agree that this pretty much describes most good marriages.

It might seem that after a certain period of time, old issues should be resolved. After all, haven’t they been discussed at many different times in many different ways?

Often, however, discussions that appear to be very different have similar constructs. Although the tenor of the conversation may have changed, the positions may not have. Although the specific setting might be different, the factors keeping each person entrenched in their position likely haven’t changed.

There are numerous reasons for differing opinions. The most obvious ones are those that leave us scratching our heads, wondering why we are still arguing about something that should have been resolved long ago. These obvious differences are typically logical in nature. One person has a perfectly legitimate reason for believing that their opinion is correct, while the other is equally focused on their own logic.

Sometimes, the problem is specifically the fact that the discussions are based on logic. This would seem to be counterintuitive. However, remember that neither our thoughts nor our emotions are “pure.” Neither one is completely independent of the other. Therefore, regardless of how logical we think our thoughts are, there are always emotions underlying and intertwined with our beliefs.

Our fears, insecurities, and other emotional factors guide our thoughts. In some instances, we are able to put these aside to make more consciously-based decisions. At other times, however, we are unaware of these underlying impulses.

Generally speaking, the less aware we are of our unconscious motivations, the less capable we are of altering our “logical” thoughts. The fact that unconscious motivations are (by definition) unacknowledged, is the reason that they can easily trick us into believing that our “logical” though process is accurate. This is often true even when it appears patently false to others.

The first step to changing this dynamic is accepting the fact that we feel something strongly with regard to the subject at hand. At that point, we could acknowledge that what we have assumed was a completely logical thought process may in fact have been skewed by emotional factors. As we become more aware of these, the unconscious mind begins relinquishing its hold on the thought process, allowing us to view the subject from a more conscious, truly logical standpoint.

Sometimes, it can be difficult to change the course of a longstanding disagreement, since we are so used to the setting, focus, way in which it is broached, manner of discussion, and other similarities. These can easily bring us back into the old pattern of discussion. The more of these that are changed, the more easily the discussion can be changed as well.

Another similarity is the people involved in the discussion. I know that you believe that therapy is not on the table, but involving a trusted third party can be very helpful. If a trained therapist is not an option, anyone who can help to point out errors in logic or ways in which emotion appear to be playing a role can help you to change the way in which you communicate.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

  psychotherapist in private practice

  Woodmere, NY

  adjunct professor at Touro University

  Graduate School of Social Work

  author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

  www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200

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