Dear Therapist:

When our daughter was in high school, the school strongly encouraged us to send her to therapy. This was due to her behavior but mostly because the school saw an anger in her that they were concerned about. We followed through and invested a lot of time and money, but she did not really take it seriously. When we were able to speak with the therapist at the time, we were told her commitment was not really there.

Now she is home from seminary and recently came to us on her own asking to go back to therapy. She is pretty much the same but says she is ready this time.

On the one hand, we are glad she is open to help. On the other hand, we remember how much we invested before and how little came from it, and we are unsure how to approach this now.

How can we tell if she is truly ready for therapy this time? And how should we think about supporting this without repeating the same experience as before?

Response:

Your concern is both common and understandable. The sense that your daughter’s previous experience in therapy yielded little benefit—combined with her apparent lack of commitment at the time—would lead many parents to approach this situation with caution.

Often, a lack of motivation in therapy stems from feeling pushed into it rather than choosing it. This, coupled with a sense that others are trying to “fix” them, can lead individuals to resist the process. This is especially true for teenagers, who may experience such efforts as intrusive or misaligned with their own perspective. That resistance can, in turn, shape a generally negative view of therapy.

It can be difficult to accurately assess another person’s level of readiness or commitment. Teenagers, in particular, can be hard to gauge. In addition, aside from her level of engagement, it may have been challenging for you to fully recognize any gains she did make at the time. While you understandably feel that little was accomplished, her perspective may be different—after all, she is now the one initiating a return to therapy.

Actually, the very fact that she has previously been in therapy may work in her favor. She likely has a clearer sense of what therapy entails, what it can offer, and what she might want from it. This alone can significantly increase the likelihood of meaningful engagement.

From a practical standpoint, part of your concern seems to be that you are once again being asked to make a significant investment while your daughter may not have a comparable stake in the process. This is a reasonable concern. At the same time, it is worth recognizing that people invest in therapy in different ways. For some, the primary investment is financial. For others, the emotional effort involved in sitting with a stranger and discussing deeply personal thoughts and insecurities represents a substantial commitment.

I wonder whether you have had an open conversation with your daughter about your reservations. If she understands your concerns, she may be able to articulate what has changed for her and what is motivating her to seek help at this point.

If you feel it is appropriate, you might also consider asking her to contribute in some way to the cost of therapy. This can serve both as an indication of her commitment and as a means of increasing her sense of ownership over the process.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

psychotherapist in private practice

Woodmere, NY

adjunct professor at Touro University

Graduate School of Social Work

author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200

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