Dear Therapist:

My 18-year-old son has been going through a very difficult time recently. He has been acting very rebellious and his yiddishkeit is suffering tremendously. We have been advised by many rabbonim and others that the key is for my wife and me to retain our relationship with him and unconditionally love him. Though he has not shown us that he is very responsible, we did not put up a fight and allowed him to get his driver’s license. Now we are really worried about him driving in the mountains over the summer. At the end of the day, it's a sakanas nefashos. How can I not put my foot down? Still, this will I'm sure cause a huge fight and damage our relationship with him. Can you please give us some advice as to how to proceed?

Response:

I’m sorry to hear that you’re experiencing a hard time with your son.  As you stated, it’s imperative that your wife and you retain a positive relationship with him.  Unfortunately, there’s no cut-and-dried answer that will give you peace of mind with regard to his driving upstate.  Although your question is specific to upstate driving, the more general issue is the sometimes delicate balance between discipline and a positive relationship.  Although these often appear to exist on opposite ends of the spectrum, they can work in sync with one another. 

I don’t know the history of your relationship with your son or how he responds to conversations or directives.  Teenagers tend to test boundaries.  What this generally means is that they will push the boundaries as far as they can possibly go.  Once the parents give in, the bar has been set higher for that particular boundary—and often in general—until the next time the boundaries are tested.  Parents often accept these circumstances out of fear that their child will become angry and do something rash.  Since the child knows this, he is in control of the relationship.

If this sounds familiar, you may be in a situation where your son clearly recognizes his power over you.  (In this case, the unspoken understanding may be: “If you don’t let me drive upstate, I’ll become even more rebellious.)  His rebelliousness can have a variety of sources, but he may well be using it as a powerful bargaining chip.  With regard to the relationship, I cannot give you specific advice, but I would recommend that your wife and you speak with a therapist about moving the relationship to a more reciprocal one.

At this time, however, it seems that your relationship with your son is lopsided.  Since he has much of the power, you feel that your hands are tied.  On the one hand, your son has not demonstrated the level of responsibility that might make you more comfortable with the idea of him driving upstate.  On the other hand, you’re afraid that a fight might harm your relationship with him.

The ultimate decision, of course is yours.  However, if you decide to allow him to drive in the mountains you can make it clear that this is a privilege that can be taken away.  You can give him very specific parameters and rules that he must follow in order to keep this privilege.  You might limit his driving to certain times of day, and to certain areas.  You could let him know that each time he takes the car he needs to return it by a preset time.  You can make it clear that if he receives a ticket (regardless of whether it’s “his fault”), he forfeits his driving rights.  Consequences for violating these rules can be rigid or time-limited but should be made very clear from the beginning.  Creating this kind of accountability can help your son feel that he has some control—as well as some responsibility.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

  psychotherapist in private practice

 Brooklyn, NY

 author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

 www.ylcsw.com / 718-258-5317

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