Dear Therapist:
What is it with camps scaring the wits out of kids. How come all the scary plays, Holocaust stories, and color war breakouts. Granted my kids are a bit sensitive but do I need to have them come home from day camp all terrorized? Are these things appropriate? Are my kids just wimps? Can these types of things negatively impact kids?
Response:
This general subject has been addressed in past issues. I will therefore reiterate some of the things that were discussed.
There is often a fine line between appropriately protecting our children and being overprotective. The obvious advantage to erring on the side of caution seems clear in the short term. When we strive to protect our kids from difficulty, they appear to be safer and less distressed. In their younger years, they can seem more content. As kids grow older, however, they not only require less protection, but can be harmed by too much.
Over the last generation or so, we seem to have become more overprotective as parents. Of course, decisions should be made based on factors like a child’s age and maturity and the level of danger. The advantages of becoming self-sufficient and of developing positive coping skills need to be weighed against possible consequences. This decision is also based on parenting style and the parent’s level of anxiety in each situation. Regardless, it is important to see the big picture and to recognize that our individual decisions can affect our children more generally in the long run.
Kids need to learn coping skills—both logistical and emotional—in order to become well-adjusted adults. Overprotection can decrease their ability to develop these skills. When this occurs, kids will often begin demanding continuous protection due to their inability to deal with problems—whether emotional or otherwise. This often becomes a cycle in which both parents and children become used to this protective relationship. They either do not recognize its problematic nature or can’t figure out how to change it.
This doesn’t necessarily mean that scary plays and stories are important to a child’s emotional development. Certainly there are kids who may have negative reactions, like nightmares and fears, associated with such experiences. Depending on particular children’s personalities and coping skills, different approaches may be required.
For children who do react in a negative fashion, the question becomes whether they should be continuously protected or slowly introduced to uncomfortable situations. As with most anxiety, the former approach generally strengthens the fear, leading to further avoidance (by the parents, and in later years by the child). The latter approach, if done appropriately, can help children to become less anxious with regard to the specific instance—and can aid them in developing better general coping skills.
I can’t tell you what your kids should be exposed to; this is something that you can decide based on likely long-term consequences. As the parent, you are in a better position than anyone else to identify your children’s needs, and to properly base your decisions on their individual characteristics. The hardest part is often our emotional involvement in the situation, whether due to fear for our children or our own fears and triggers. Stepping back and thinking objectively can help us to see the situation more clearly. Maintaining focus on long-term goals can help us to view our short-term anxieties more realistically.
Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW
psychotherapist in private practice
Brooklyn, NY | Far Rockaway, NY
author of Self-Esteem: A Primer
www.ylcsw.com / 718-258-5317
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