Dear Therapist

I have a teenage son who I noticed was acting out of sorts. I attributed it to be a “stage” and did not make anything of it. A few weeks ago, I got a call from my son’s menahel telling me that my son was involved in some things that required help from an outside source. They would provide the “professional” and make sure my son was taken care of with the best care. I felt that cooperating with the yeshiva was the best route to take and I adhered to all the measures that were to be taken. Among them were paying for the “professional” and not informing my son that I was aware of his circumstances.
It has been a few weeks now and I am keeping up my end of the deal. I pay for each session and my son has no idea that I know about the situation. However, when I ask about the progress of my son and for some details on new developments, I am told “it’s handled” or “under control.” This is my son. Until when do I cooperate and not fight for information? Until when do I sit back and allow my son’s life the good and the bad, accomplishments and failures be “handled” by his yeshiva and not by me; his father?
Please give me some insight on how to continue on with this situation.
Thank you.

Response

There appear to be two issues here: confidentiality vs. parental involvement; and school policy vs. parental involvement.  There are legal, ethical, and relationship concerns that play into both of these issues.  My understanding is that generally minors do not have the right of confidentiality.  That being said, ethics often dictate that a therapist withhold information from parents in order to foster trust, independence, responsibility, and other qualities.  When a school is involved, they may have reasons of their own to handle certain issues within school guidelines.

Without knowing the school’s position, I wonder whether they discussed their reasoning with you as to why they would prefer to handle the situation on their own.  Sometimes this can be a school’s way of maintaining control; other times they have concerns about how a particular parent generally deals with problematic situations or how the parent responded to the current issue.  If your son’s menahel has not been forthcoming with regard to the reasons for his reticence, the first step might be to discuss this with him.  If his temperament, your relationship with him, or some other factor precludes this, you should consider involving a third party like a rav or another professional.

That being said, it’s important not to allow your emotions or your ego to be involved in any part of your decision.  If your son is doing well, and his acting out continues to improve (and your only concern is that you are being wronged), you need to remind yourself that your only concern should be the welfare of your child—especially if your involvement might hamper the process.  On the other hand, if you are not seeing positive results and you have a legitimate concern about the efficacy of the current treatment, there should be a dialogue about how best to approach the situation.  In this regard as well, be sure to separate any emotional or ego concerns from your decision and from your response, keeping constant focus on the goal: your son’s ultimate welfare. 

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