Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
This series of articles began with four statements.
I canât let him see me cry.
You made mommy sad.
You shouldnât get so angry.
You donât hate your brother.
One of these four statements may actually be dangerous for your child. The other three are simply inaccurate. Over the past two weeks, weâve discussed the inaccuracy of the first two.
This week weâll see what is inaccurate about the third one, and what to say instead.
Letâs begin by exploring the contrast between anger and three other emotions as addressed in Pirkei Avos.
Rabbi Eleazar ha-Kappar used to say: Jealousy, lust and [the desire for] honor put a man out of the world. [4:28]
What about anger? Why isnât anger in that list? And what does Pirkei Avos teach us about anger?
Rabbi Eliezer used to say: do not be easy to anger. [2:10]
There are four types of temperaments. One who is easily angered and easily appeased: his shortcoming overrides his virtue. One whom it is difficult to anger and difficult to appease: his virtue overrides his shortcoming. One whom it is difficult to anger and is easily appease is a chassid. One who is easily angered and is difficult to appease is wicked. [5:14]
The Torah is acquired with 48 ways. These are: ... slowness to anger. [6:6]
There is no Mishna that prescribes moderation in jealousy, lust or the desire for honor. We are not taught to be slow to become jealous, and no virtue is accorded to one whose lust is seldom aroused. Conversely, there is no Mishna that warns us against anger in the categorical terms reserved for the other three.
The reason for this is that there is nothing categorically wrong with the feeling of anger. We may go very wrong in how we express our anger, but thereâs nothing wrong with feeling angry sometimes.
The feeling we describe as anger is an internal message that something is not the way we would like it to be. It may be something that someone said or did, and it may be something we are angry about at ourselves. Like most emotions, anger is a catalyst for action. In other words, anger is an emotional reaction to something we have experienced and it drives us to do something in response.
Rochel loves to play morah. She sets up four chairs next to each other and puts a doll onto each of the chairs. Then she very gently explains things to them that she had learned in her first grade classroom earlier that day. Itâs really quite adorable to watch, until her three-year-old brother walks into the room. Mendy likes nothing better than to tip each of the chairs until the doll falls onto the floor. For some reason he finds that absolutely hilarious. Not surprisingly, Rochel does not share in the glee. I can understand her being unhappy about it; what I donât understand is why she gets so angry about it. Itâs bad enough when she screams at him at the top of her lungs. Very often pushes him until he falls down. When I ask her why did you push him and knock him down, she says, âBecause he pushed the chairs and knocked my dolls down so I knocked him down.â So then I say to her, âwould you like it if I knocked you down onto the floor now because you knocked your brother down onto the floor?â and sheâs says no. More recently, sheâs tried to explain to me why itâs not the same thing. She tells me the she had a reason to knock him down because he knocked her dolls down for no reason but I donât have a reason to knock her down because she did have a reason for knocking him down, and all of this seems to make perfect sense to her. I keep telling her that none of this would happen if she would just stop getting so very angry at her brother for knocking her dolls off of the chairs onto the floor. I even said to her, âdid any of your dolls ever get broken, did any of their clothing ever get torn, why you make such a big deal out of it, why must you get so angry, you shouldnât get so angry!â
Whoa, as you are telling that over to me you sound a bit angry yourself. How do you sound when you say that to Rochel?
I probably sound pretty angry because Iâve been through this with her so many times and I canât seem to get anywhere.
I see. And if I were to say to you, âyou shouldnât get so angry!â how do you imagine that would be helpful for you?
Youâre right, it wouldnât be helpful to me at all. So how do I get her to stop getting so angry?
I donât know that you need to get her to stop getting so angry. I would rather you help her figure out what to say and what to do when she is that angry instead of what sheâs been doing up until now. Even though none of her dolls has been broken or torn, her pretend play has been interrupted and I can imagine that thatâs very annoying for her, especially since it sounds like it happens pretty often. Are you suggesting that Rochel have no reaction to Mendyâs disruptive behavior, that she should calmly accept his intrusions?
No. I see what you mean. Itâs not that she should not get so angry, itâs that I want her to do something different to respond when she is angry at him instead of what sheâs been doing up until now.
My conversation with his mom was now about how to help Rochel figure out how to respond to her brotherâs annoying behavior in a way that mom considers acceptable, rather than accepting annoying behavior with equanimity.
When you say to Rochel, âI understand that you become angry when Mendy knocks your dolls onto the floor, and I donât want you to push him. What could you do instead of pushing him,â what do you think Rochel will say to you?
Sheâll probably say âI donât know what else to do.â Then what?
Then say to her, âPlease think about it, and beâezras Hashem weâll talk about it some more tomorrow.â Slow down. Give her a chance to think. And make sure you sit down with her the next day to continue your conversation.
Over the course of our conversation, mom mentioned the fourth of the statements weâre discussing in this series of articles, âYou donât hate your brother.â
Thatâs a hard one, and it can be dangerous if mishandled. G-d willing next week, weâll see how.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
Last weekâs article began with four statements.
I canât let him see me cry.
You made mommy sad.
You shouldnât get so angry.
You donât hate your brother.
One of these four statements may actually be dangerous for your child. The other three are simply inaccurate. Last week we discussed the inaccuracy of the first one.
This week weâll see what is inaccurate about the second one, and what to say instead.
First, a brief digression.
Hillel taught us dâalach sni lâchavrach lo saavid, if you donât like something done to you, donât do it to someone else. (Shabbos 31a)
Hereâs what a mom said about her 3 year old daughter:
If I tell her not to do something, or
that she needs to do something she doesn't want to do, she says "You make
me sad, mama."
It really annoys me when she says that.
Some children may find it similarly annoying. Many children feel guilty, not annoyed, when told that they have made their mother sad. Whether it induces anger or guilt in your child, it clearly isnât something you want done to you, so donât do it to your child.
Now, back to the issue of inaccuracy. It may be true that something that your child said or did resulted in your feeling sad. I hope it is not true that your child made you sad, that his very being is unpleasant for you. Iâm sure you wouldnât have meant it that way but thatâs how you come across when you say âyou made me sad.â
Parents express anger towards their children more often than they express sadness. Thatâs because parents more readily express anger than sadness. Itâs also because anger is frequent.
R. Ila'i said: By three things may a person's character be determined: bâkoeso, bâkeeso, uâbkaaso. By his wine cup, by his wallet, and by his anger. Eruvin (65b)
Rashi explains that kâoeso means what he is like when he has been drinking (should we have more shidduch dates on Purim?), keeso refers to his integrity in business dealings, and kaaso means not to be insistent on more things than is appropriate (shâaino kapdan yosair miâdaiy). One musar haskale for parents is not to insist on too much; it results in anger.
The Ben Ish Chai pointed out something else. He wrote that the sequence is listed in order of less frequent to more frequent. âOn any given day you cannot tell what a person is like when heâs been drinking because on most days people donât drink all that much. You can tell what a person is like in his business dealings on any given day, but only in the daytime and not at night and not on Shabbos or Yom Tov. But anger you can observe day or night and even on Shabbos or Yom Tov.â (Ben Yehoyada)
Given that you may frequently get angry at your children it is important that you express anger appropriately. âYou made me angryâ is not appropriate.
Dr. Haim Ginott explained:
For parents, anger is a costly emotion: to be worth its price it should not be employed without profit⦠Anger should so come out that it brings some relief to the parent, some insight to the child, and no harmful side effects to either of themâ¦
Except for one safeguard, we are entitled to express what we feel. We can express our angry feelings provided we do not attack the child's personality or character.
When you say âyou made me angryâ you are attacking a childâs personality or character. Youâre telling him something about him, not what he did.
When you say instead, âI am angry that you did that,â you are expressing your emotion about what happened. That moves the focus to behavioral alternatives, and more naturally leads to a discussion of what you would rather he do next time.
Dr. Ginott didnât suggest that you never express anger. He suggested that you express it clearly and sometimes quite strongly.
He gave the following example:
When I call you for dinner and you don't come, I get angry. I get very angry. I say to myself, 'I cooked a good meal and I want some appreciation, not frustraÂtion!'
Dr. Ginott explained:
This approach allows parents to give vent to their anger without causing damage. On the contrary, it may even illustrate an important lesson in how to express anger safely. The child may learn that his own anger is not catastrophic, that it can be discharged without destroying anyone. This lesson will require more than just expression of anger by parents. It will require that parents point out to their children acceptable channels of emotional expression and demonstrate to them safe and respectable ways of liquidating anger.
[From: Ginott, Haim; Between Parent and Child: New Solutions to Old Problems; Macmillan, 1965; pages 50-52.]
I hope it is not true that your child makes you sad, that her very being is unpleasant for you.
I feel terrible saying it out loud, but my husband knows itâs true. He has much more patience and compassion for our youngest daughter than I do. I can feel myself tensing up when her school bus pulls up to bring her home. Iâll send her to school when sheâs not feeling well in a way that I would let my other children stay home; I just canât have her around all day.
Yes, Rabbi Ackerman, my wife has told me that before. Is it normal for a mother to say she canât stand having her child around?
I didnât answer his question. Iâm not sure if the thoughts and feelings his wife expressed are common enough to be considered normal. Iâm pretty sure he wouldnât be happy about his wife feeling that way even if it were common. And I was positive that her saying it out loud to her husband and me, while beginning to cry, was a sign that she wanted to learn what to do to heal her relationship with her youngest child. BâH, over many weeks, she did.
I wonât go into how we did the work we did. I will tell you that I never said to her, âYou shouldnât get so angry.â
More on that, G-d willing, next week.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
This is the last of a series of articles that began with four statements.
I canât let him see me cry.
You made mommy sad.
You shouldnât get so angry.
You donât hate your brother.
As weâve seen in the past articles, the first three statements are inaccurate.
The fourth one may be dangerous for your child.
Noted parent educator and author Elizabeth Crary wrote: Children who recognize and trust their feelings are more able to resist uncomfortable touch. You can model talking about your feelings. Avoid labeling feelings as good or bad â feelings are neither good nor bad. Avoid discounting feelings â âYou donât hate your brother,â or âYou shouldnât feel mad about a little thing like that.â
[Pick Up Your Socks...and Other Skills Growing Children Need; Parenting Press, Inc. 1990; page 106 (Teaching Personal Safety Summary Sheet)]
I have had parents tell me that they know how important it is to validate their childâs feelings. Hereâs an example:
My son Menachem told me that his brother Yoni took Menachemâs camera without his permission and left it at the playground and now itâs lost. Menachem said, âhe always takes my things no matter how many times I tell him not to, and you can make him buy me a new one, but Iâll never get back the pictures that I took while we were on vacation. I hate him!â I validated Menacheâs feelings, I said, âyou sound really angry, but Iâm sure you donât really hate your brother, now do you?â
This particular momâs version of validating her sonâs feelings was to inform him that she is aware of what he is feeling and that what heâs feeling is not appropriate. Unfortunately, many parents seem to understand validating in the same way that this mother did. Telling your child that you know how he feels and he has no right to feel that way is not validating his feelings. What youâre actually doing is expressing your displeasure and discomfort with the feelings your child just expressed. Your child is now supposed to stop feeling what he just told you he was feeling so that you wonât feel displeasure and discomfort. What you described as validating was actually discounting your childâs feelings and expecting him to validate yours.
I explained to this mom that it would be more helpful for her to think about recognizing and respecting her sonâs feelings as genuine without correcting or judging them. She was not sure she liked this idea.
So Iâm supposed to agree that Menachem should hate his brother for what happened?
No, accepting your child's feelings doesn't mean you agree with his feelings. It means that you are interested in and respectful of how he feels. When the Torah teaches us âlo tisneh es acheecha bâlvavechaâ the targum Yonasan ben Uziel translates it to mean that we shouldnât sound happy with someone while feeling hatred toward them. Rabi Yitzchak miKorvil, the SMaK, is more explicit. He wrote, âdonât hate him in your heart while showing him a pleasant countenance; make clear to him your hatred.â [MiMayanos haNetzach, Vayikra, page 78]
I thought youâre only supposed to hate someone who did an aveira and repeated it after you give him tochacha?
Yes, and you said that Menachem has repeatedly asked Yoni not to take his things without his permission. What would you prefer? Would you like Menachem to hide his feelings from you? I think itâs much healthier for him to express himself to you. If you continue to tell him that his feelings are unacceptable, it may be that heâll stop feeling that way. I think itâs far more likely that the next time he feels that way he will make sure not to tell you. Are you sure thatâs what you would prefer?
So Iâm supposed to feel okay with him hating his brother?
No. I donât expect you to be okay with his hating his brother. What I would wish you would realize is that his telling you that he hates his brother may imply that he is not okay with it either and heâs turning to you to let him speak it out so he can get past it. Let him express his anger, his frustration, his resentment, rather than being ashamed of feeling that way sometimes, which is what you do to him when you tell him that he mustnât hate his brother. Help him learn to cope with his feelings and express them appropriately.
Rivkie was having trouble coping with her feelings. She expressed herself by telling her son Menachem that he had to stop hating his brother because she couldnât stand how it made her feel. Rivkie was so caught up in how terrible it was for her to hear that Menachem hated his brother that she missed the message within his words, the message that he felt bad about hating his brother. She wasnât able to help Menachem, and ending up making him feel worse about himself so she could feel better about herself.
The danger in this entire scenario is that Menachem might learn to tolerate mistreatment rather than trusting his instincts and emotions. He might decide that telling his mother that he is angry with someone for touching him inappropriately will upset her; he isnât allowed to hate someone for causing him harm. Rather than telling his father or another trusted adult, he might internalize the message that it is bad to hate anyone, and you have to accept what you receive, even when it makes you uncomfortable.
Telling Menachem not to hate his brother for losing his camera could lead him to accept inappropriate touch? Are those in any way comparable? Perhaps for you, an adult, the violation of your property and the violation of your personal space are two very different things. For a 10 year old, they might not be.
Teach your child to listen to the messages his emotions provide to him, to share them with you, and to express himself in ways that respect himself and others.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
I am your daughter, sister, niece, cousin, friend...
I am a teenager studying in a [mainstream] High School in [city name].
I am writing this article in the first person for I feel so deeply about this issue. Watching & hearing friends, relatives, & peers struggling with some or all these feelings I felt compelled to write about it.
Have you ever walked down the street and seen a teenage boy or girl from a family that you may know dressed in an inappropriate manner? Perhaps acting in a non-frum way? Have you talked about a friend's child that went "off'?
Have you any inkling of how they ended up here?
I will try to explain.
Imagine the seventh or eighth grader who is normally unobtrusive & on the quiet side finally works up the courage to raise her hand in Navi class and asks "But if we have Bechira, how does Hashem decide everything on Rosh Hashanah?"
The teacher explodes in a fury of words telling the girl how such questions were Apikorsis and anyone asking such a question was an Apikores. The once pale student becomes redder than a crayon. She lowers her eyes and tries to ignore the snickers of her classmates wishing she were back home alone in her room.
But, her embarrassment soon turns to anger and then ferociousness at the teacher who dared to shame her in front of her class.
Not possible you say? Unfortunately, such situations are not uncommon, and the victims of these scenarios are my friends and peers. More often than not, they end up feeling wounded and worthless and these feelings frequently lead to behavioral problems.
This courageous and eloquent young woman gave me permission to share her article as I wish. I chose to omit the information about her school and her city, not only to protect her identity, but also because what she describes has happened in many schools and many cities. G-d willing, over the next few months I hope to discuss additional excerpts in which she gives poignant examples of how children and teenagers come to feel wounded and worthless. For now, let's ponder how a young woman's piercing challenge was addressed many, many years ago.
Our matriarch Rivka A'H could not understand why the pregnancy she and Yitzchak Aveinu A"H had dovened for so fervently was so painful. We might imagine that given the extraordinarily high spiritual plane on which she lived, she would have said to herself, "this is the will of G-d; I must accept it without question." But that's not what happened. Rivka did have a question. And she didn't chide herself for having a question and shamefully keep her question to herself. She trusted that if she went to a teacher, she might get an answer to her question and she surely wouldn't be harshly criticized for daring to ask.
There are many good reasons to not answer a child's question. Perhaps there isn't enough time to answer the question adequately, and to answer it incompletely might leave the child even more confused. It may be that the answer would lead to a discussion that would break the flow of the teacher's presentation. It could be that the child's question is vague. I would think that in these situations a parent, or a teacher, would say to the child that they don't have time right now to address the question adequately, or that they don't want to address that topic right now, or that they would like the child to make the question more precise. I think they would express that to the child calmly and gently.
So there must be some other reason for not answering a child's question. A reason that can trigger an explosive fury of words rendering a child embarrassed, anger and shamed. A reason that justifies leaving a child feeling wounded and worthless.
What reason, what opinion, feeling, or thought could justify causing a once pale student to become redder than a crayon. Many of us know the expression malbin pnei chaveiro, which literally translated means to cause someone's face to turn white. When someone is feeling shame, we usually see them turn red, not white. The explanation is that you notice the whiteness before and after the redness during their intense shame. Many of us know the severity of the prohibition of malbin pnei chaveiro. But what about the term chaveiro? Does this limit the prohibition to peers or superiors? What is the scope of the prohibition, to whom does it apply?
I have heard the opinion that shaming a child can be an appropriate technique of chinuch.
Rav Pam, zt'zl wrote the following (my translation of Atara LaMelech, pg. 90):
There is no more permission for parents or teachers [to cause a child to feel shame] than for anyone else, unless it is for the purpose of chinuch or musar for the good of the child. But it is far more common that the damage caused by this is greater than the benefit. [emphasis mine]
Rav Pam adds that because of the magnitude of the issue, careful deliberation and tranquility must precede a parent or teacher's words to a child.
We all want our children to think carefully before they speak, and have yishuv hadaas.
So we're back to modeling. We always are.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC, has been working with parents for over 30 years. He can be reached at 718-344-6575. Men's and women's groups now available. Call for details.
Worth It
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
Have you ever been to a psychotherapist?
I don't hear that question very often when standing around at a kiddush or sitting around at a sholom zachor. Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever heard that question in a social setting.
Here's a conversation I don't think I've ever heard:
You know, I'd been having a lot of discomfort with my daughter. It was really painful for a while so I decided to see a therapist about it and she really helped us.
That's so interesting. About a year ago I was having a lot of pain with my son, and after only eight sessions with a therapist, we're feeling a whole lot better. And my sister-in-law told me, she had the same kind of thing a few months ago, and she and her husband worked with a therapist for a few months, and she says they're still doing much better.
"Well of course," I hear you saying to yourself, "nobody talks about that kind of thing." You're right.
And we'll come back to this. But first, let's look at another hypothetical conversation.
You know, I'd been having a lot of discomfort with my left knee. It was really painful for a while so I decided see a therapist about it and she really helped me.
That's so interesting. About a year ago I was having a lot of pain in my right knee, and after only eight sessions with a therapist, I'm feeling a whole lot better. And my sister-in-law told me, she had the same kind of thing a couple of years ago, and worked with a therapist for a few months, and she says she's still doing much better.
Have you heard that conversation? I know I have.
"Yes, but that's different," I hear you saying to yourself, "you can talk about that kind of thing." You're right, again. But something's very wrong.
It's wrong for a child, and a parent, to suffer because they're ashamed and afraid to tell anyone that they're hurting. What are they ashamed of? That it's their fault? That they'll be blamed for not doing better than they did, and not knowing how to fix it? Are they afraid that it will be hard for them to learn how to do things differently?
And are you sure there is no room for shame and fear when your knee hurts? Here's one more conversation to think about:
Orthopedist: "It's a good thing you came when you did, Eli. You're only 41 and you have the knees of an 80-year-old. What have you been doing?"
Eli: "I know I should've been stretching before I played basketball all those years, and then I started putting on weight, so I got a treadmill. I read some articles that I should walk fast rather than jogging cause the jogging could hurt my knees, but I get my miles done faster if I jog, so I jog. What can you do for me, doc?"
Orthopedist: "To replace both knees is a five-hour surgery. You can expect to spend about two weeks having inpatient rehab, and then probably a few months outpatient. You're going to have some pain for a while, but in the long run you're going to be a lot more comfortable"
Eli: "Yeah, I guess it's worth it."
It sounds like Eli is ashamed that he didn't take better care of his knees, and he's probably afraid of the surgery and the lengthy rehabilitation. Yet he decided that it's worth it to overcome his shame in order to tell someone that he is hurting. Even though the surgery and recuperation are daunting, he's managing to conquer his fear because it's worth it. And six months later, standing around at the kiddush, he'll tell anybody who's listening about what he went through and how it was worth it. He's not telling it over so people will know how brave he was to overcome his shame and his fear. He is telling it so that other people will hear how it was worth it, and maybe they'll be encouraged to get that kind of help, too.
Eli, despite his embarrassment over not doing better than he did in taking care of his knees, and despite his fear of what it would take to heal them, sought help, and then told others of his experience so they can learn from it and be encouraged. Because it was worth it.
It, his knee, was worth it, because it was hurting and he wanted it to heal, and he didn't know how to heal it so he reached out for help. And then he told others so they'd be encouraged by his experience.
When a child and a parent are hurting, hurting each other and hurting inside, there may be a lot of shame, and the healing process might be lengthy and painful.
They're worth it.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC, created The Nachas Notebook ™ , and has been working with parents for over 30 years. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.
