tag:frumtherapist.com,2005:/articlesLatest articles from Ask Aviva (as appeared in The Jewish Star)Ask Aviva (as appeared in The Jewish Star)2013-06-10T00:00:00Ztag:frumtherapist.com,2005:/AvivaLaurenRizel/Cozying-the-empty-nest-while-you-still-have-a-full-house.html2013-06-10T00:00:00Z2013-06-10T00:00:00ZCozying the empty nest while you still have a full houseA guy and a girl go on a date. They have a nice time and are attracted to each other. They go on another date. This time they are a little smilier, and a bit more at ease with each other. So, they go on a few more dates. Before you know it, these two individuals are pretty single minded. When she is in class, she sees her dateâs face instead of her professorâs. While he is standing on the train doing his best not to tip over, he hears her giggling at his jokes. They are officially Smitten.Aviva Lauren Rizel, MA, LMFTtag:frumtherapist.com,2005:/AvivaLaurenRizel/Raising-a-Boundary-Conscious-Empowered-Child.htmlRaising a Boundary-Conscious Empowered Child<div>
<p>
I recently overheard some pre-school age girls having a conversation about the current media.
</p>
<p>
"My favorite princess is Cinderella."
</p>
<p>
"I like her too, but I hate Princess Jasmine because she shows her belly button and that's disgusting!"
</p>
<p>
The therapist in me felt like a lion unleashed, needing to intervene. "Really? Belly buttons are disgusting? I think belly buttons are soooo cute! I
just think that they are too cute to be shown all the time."
</p>
<p>
The 5 year-old paused and thought. "Yeah, belly buttons are cute. But she really shouldn't be walking around showing it."
</p>
<p>
"That's right. Her belly button belongs to her and she should keep it private."
</p>
<p>
When teaching about modesty and boundaries, we must be extremely mindful not to give off the impression that our bodies are covered because it is
something negative. The reason a person covers up is because his or her body is a most prized possession. Just like a person hides bank statements, or
keeps jewelry in a box in a closet, so too, his or her body is something precious that warrants protecting.
</p>
<p>
One way to empower our children is to teach them proper boundaries. This can be started at a very young age. A parent can tickle an 18-month old, and
then stop. Once the baby stops laughing, the parent should ask, "More?" And then, and this part is key, the parent should respect what the child
answered. This is an early lesson that teaches, "I alone have control of what is done to my body."
</p>
<p>
As a child grows, the lessons grow as well.
</p>
<p>
At a child's annual check-up, it is important for either the parent or the doctor to tell the child that the only reason the doctor is allowed to see
the child's private areas is because the doctor needs to make sure that the child is healthy and growing. And the doctor is allowed to check only when
the child's parent is in the room.
</p>
<p>
As kids start telling secrets to each other, parents should tell the children, "You are allowed to keep a secret as long as it is tzniusdik and not
dangerous."
</p>
<p>
When a parent is assisting a 6 year-old in the bathroom, it is good to remind the child that the only reason that the parent is there is because he or
she needs help. And then reiterate how the child's body belongs to the child, and that it is so nice and special.
</p>
<p>
As a child grows to elementary age, the lessons given become very uncomfortable for many parents to impart. It is quite distressing being aware of the
dangers that are out there for our children. But more than distressing, it is harmful to not empower our children with the tools to protect themselves.
</p>
<p>
Predators don't want to get caught, so they are less likely to abuse a child who has strong boundaries. Most of the time, the predator is someone whom
the child knows. And something that is unpleasant to realize is that often, even though the child is uncomfortable and victimized, the child receives
some enjoyment. Either the child likes the attention, or the child may even have physical pleasure from the abuse. So there are strong feelings of
guilt from the victim's perspective. And if the perpetrator is really good at what he or she does, the perpetrator will trick the child into thinking
that the child started it or asked for it. Therefore, while it is nauseating to even think about, parents must mold their children into strong kids who
are not easy victims.
</p>
<p>
A child should be able to answer the following questions:
</p>
<p>
"Is anybody allowed to touch your private parts?"
</p>
<p>
"Is anybody allowed to show you theirs?"
</p>
<p>
"What should you do if that happens?"
</p>
<p>
"Would it be your fault?"
</p>
<p>
"What if it feels nice? Is it ok?"
</p>
<p>
"Whom should you tell? Is it Lashon Hara to tell?"
</p>
<p>
"What if the person tells you that you will get in trouble if you tell? Is that true?"
</p>
<p>
"What if the person tells you that no one will believe you? Is that true?"
</p>
<p>
If, G-d forbid, your child does come to you with information, the best thing is to react in a way that shows that you trust your child, believe your
child, do not fault or blame your child, will not punish your child and want to protect your child. Once you have shown these feelings to your child,
you can proceed to find out more information. Therapy for the whole family is often necessary after an incident.
</p>
<p>
A child whose parents give over the proper messages is a child who is proud of his or her body knows that it is a gift to him or herself. That is a
child whose strength will spill over into other areas of life. And a confident, proud child is more likely to engage in healthy relationships in the
future.
</p>
<i>
Aviva Rizel is a Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in Cedarhurst, NY. She lectures in the New York City area on dating, relationships
and marriage. She is also a volunteer presenter for The SHALOM Workshop (http://www.shalomtaskforce.org/workshops/), a marriage enrichment program
serving engaged and newly married couples. Aviva Rizel can be reached at 347-292-8482 or AvivaRizel.MFT@gmail.com.
</i>
</div>
Aviva Lauren Rizel, MA, LMFTtag:frumtherapist.com,2005:/AvivaLaurenRizel/How-to-Start-Your-Marriage-Off-Right.htmlHow to Start Your Marriage Off Right<div>
<div>
<p>
By Aviva Rizel, MA, MFT
</p>
</div>
<p>
I don't understand why in this day and age, people often tell newlyweds, "Never go to bed angry." With over 20 years of research swaying conventional
wisdom in the direction of taking time-outs in the face of conflict, I marvel at every bridal shower that has this piece of false wisdom doled out.
</p>
<p>
Dr. John M. Gottman, one of the foremost marriage researchers in the country, (read: "researcher". This means that he is not just pontificating. He has
hard evidence that shows what makes a great marriage and what makes a doomed marriage.) has seen that a successful couple knows when to put the breaks
on a fight. If a couple is angry and arguing, they are driving on very slippery terrain and have to slow things down. One way to do so is by making,
what Gottman calls,"repair attempts". Let's say you and your spouse are having a nice conversation when all of a sudden you hear your spouse blurt out,
"What's with your sister calling non-stop?! Can't she pick tomatoes without your input?" Now you suddenly tense up and are about to either defend her
("Leave her alone, she's going through a hard time."), or you are about to shoot back something like, "Well she calls a fraction less than your mother
does!" So what do you choose to do? Which is the better option? Actually, neither one of them will help diffuse the situation. Instead it will only
escalate the tension. It would be good if you can build a ventilation system into your marriage by responding something like, "Well, if you were beaten
up by a tomato when you were a kid, you'd have a hard time buying them too!" Basically, we want to see you be able to step back from the situation and
say or do something to lighten the mood. Then address your spouse's concern. "We don't have to answer every time she calls." Or, "Would you like me to
ask her not to call during this time?"
</p>
<p>
It goes without saying that every couple is different. For some couples, an inside joke makes a great repair attempt. And for others, a wink may be the
perfect diffuser. So, when you are feeling the heat, try to do something that brings the emotional level down. Make sure that your spouse is ok with
whatever you use for repairs. My husband and I were once lecturing to married couples about repair attempts and how to have a fun fight. Immediately
after our program, one husband came up to us and said, "I am so good at repair attempts. I have the funniest line for when my wife starts up. I say,
'Check it before you wreck it.' But it never works the way you claim it should and it actually makes her even madder!" Hmmm… let's call the wife
over. Turns out she thought that humorous line was the absolute worst thing to say to her when she was hot under the collar. Sounds more like an
offense than a repair. Moral of the story: if you are going to make a repair attempt, make sure that it will actually accomplish the goal. Make sure
that what you do or say will amuse or calm your spouse. A good way to figure out if you have the right method is simply by asking your spouse in a
non-conflict situation. "Do you get annoyed when I ask you to rephrase things when we start to argue?" If the two of you are on the same page, your
repair attempt can be akin to a secret agent giving a code to another secret agent. The code itself differs from couple to couple, but if you cracked
the code, you would find that they all have a shared meaning: "We are committed to each other and will try to control our emotions and reactions to
keep our marriage strong. Now let's take things down a notch before they get out of control."
</p>
<p>
One more thing on repair attempts-if your spouse is the one who is attempting to repair, make sure that you accept it. There are many people who think
that a repair attempt is really just a way to detour away from the issue that they are talking about. So when their spouse is ready to lighten things
from a fight into a discussion, it just gets the person irritated that his/her spouse is not taking things seriously. Blocking the repair attempt is
pretty dangerous though. Here's the secret to finishing the play: Once a spouse pitches the repair, the other spouse has to catch it. A chuckle, a
smirk, or even a calm deep breath is enough to accept the repair.
</p>
<p>
If a couple has trouble with these repair attempts, their discussions can become high-octane arguments before they know what hits them.A cute little
attempt at repair is not going to bring them back. Here is where bucking the old wives' advice comes into the forefront. Instead of sticking around to
resolve things, it's time for a time out. Take a break from the conflict so that each partner can physiologically calm down. If it means going to bed
angry, that's fine as long as you are committed to respectfully working things through tomorrow. If you stay up till 3am duking it out, you are more
likely to hit below the belt by saying things you would never say if you weren't so sleep deprived.
</p>
<p>
So go ahead, go to bed angry, angry as all heck. Then wake up to a stronger marriage.
</p>
<p>
<i>
Aviva Rizel is a Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in Cedarhurst, NY. She lectures in the tri-state area on dating and
relationships. Aviva can be reached at 347-292-8482 or AvivaRizel.MFT@gmail.com.
</i>
</p>
<p>
Recommended Reading: <a href="http://astore.amazon.com/mytherapystore-20/detail/0609805797">Seven Principles to Making Marriage Work</a> by John M.
Gottman.
</p>
<p>
John M. Gottman, PhD has identified four types of behaviors in marriages that end in divorce. He calls them "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse".
Couples in strong marriages either do not exhibit these behaviors, or they are able to correct them over time with the antidotes to the horsemen.
</p>
<table border="1" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0">
<tbody>
<tr>
<td valign="top" width="213">
<p>
<b>Horseman</b>
</p>
</td>
<td valign="top" width="213">
<p>
<b>Behavior</b>
</p>
</td>
<td valign="top" width="213">
<p>
<b>Antidote</b>
</p>
</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td valign="top" width="213">
<p>
<b>Criticism</b>
</p>
</td>
<td valign="top" width="213">
<p>
Blaming spouse personally,
</p>
<p>
"Why do you always do this?"
</p>
</td>
<td valign="top" width="213">
<p>
Complain, don't blame
</p>
</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td valign="top" width="213">
<p>
<b>Defensiveness</b>
</p>
</td>
<td valign="top" width="213">
<p>
Giving an explanation instead of an apology
</p>
</td>
<td valign="top" width="213">
<p>
Taking Responsibility
</p>
</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td valign="top" width="213">
<p>
<b>Contempt</b>
</p>
</td>
<td valign="top" width="213">
<p>
Sarcasm, eye-rolling,
</p>
<p>
"Puh-leese"
</p>
</td>
<td valign="top" width="213">
<p>
Foster a culture of Appreciation
</p>
</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td valign="top" width="213">
<p>
<b>Stonewalling</b>
</p>
</td>
<td valign="top" width="213">
<p>
Not responding to your spouse during conflict
</p>
</td>
<td valign="top" width="213">
<p>
Physiological self-soothing
</p>
</td>
</tr>
</tbody>
</table>
</div>
Aviva Lauren Rizel, MA, LMFTtag:frumtherapist.com,2005:/AvivaLaurenRizel/Hoping-to-Help.htmlHoping to Help<div>
<p>
Dear Aviva,
</p>
<p>
I teach in a Seminary in Israel that caters to young modern orthodox women. I see that these girls are struggling with making the jump from learning
halacha to incorporating it into their lives. For the most part, these girls were well raised and come from good, moral backgrounds. They don't
necessarily feel like there is anything missing from their lives and they in no way consider themselves baalei teshuva.
</p>
<p>
How can we empower the good modern orthodox girl who never felt she was lacking to want to grow and connect to HaShem? Specifically in the areas of
tzniut and shomer negia. They understand the importance of tzniyut but don't really see the merit in being careful that shirts aren't too tight or that
knees are completely covered. What's missing?
</p>
<p>
-Hoping to help
</p>
<p>
Dear Hoping to help,
</p>
<p>
I think that if you took a huge step back, you would achieve what you set out for. If you have an agenda (albeit a noble one), the girls will pick up
on it. Agendas tend to repel those that you are trying to attract. When you take a step back, you will stop focusing on one or two points to push.
Instead, you can instill a more global love for G-d and love for Am Yisrael. If a young woman lacks this, but takes on strict adherence to halacha, she
will be very wobbly once she is back home and questioned. There are many individuals whose growth is slow and steady and long-lasting. So don't try to
fight the fashion. Just love and support your students.
</p>
<p>
But be on alert. If a student asks you questions about tzniyus, then be ready to address it. I remember a teacher of mine tried to encourage my modern
class to dress more modestly and be more prudish with boys. She gave a horrible analogy-she said "Imagine you are in the grocery store and you are
buying tomatoes. Would you pick the ones that have bruises on them? Or would you buy the ones that look like nobody touched them?" She was basically
making us all feel like damaged goods, and she also stressed the point that the goal is to be untouched for our future husband. Wrong and wrong.
Firstly, a positive slant would have been more effective. Secondly, that's a really bad goal-change our behaviors just to snag a good hubby. Tsk, tsk,
tsk.
</p>
<p>
Instead, talk about a wealthy woman. This woman has millions in the bank and owns some very rare gems. Does she give out her PIN and her ATM card? No.
Does she wear her jewelry when she is out and about? No. This analogy actually brings to mind a time when I was enlightened by something. I was at a
wedding. The guests that attended ranged across the socio-economic spectrum. Everybody had their glitz blinging and looked beautiful. Some stones were
real, and some were costume. Then, I spotted a woman whose wealth far out-wealths any other guests. I'm not one to check someone out, but I could not
help but notice the stark simplicity of her attire. A single solitaire diamond centered in her collarbone was the only sparkly bit on her. What is the
message here? This is someone who is capable of putting Tiffany's to shame. I guess she didn't want to shame her Jewish sisters who could not keep up
with her. Instead, she chose to downplay and to undertone. She knows what beauty she has at home in her vault. She just doesn't want to be defined by
it.
</p>
<p>
And I don't mean that a girl should save her beauty till she feels ready to share it with the right person. I mean she should save her beauty for
herself. I'm involved in a longitudinal study, and my poor kids are the subjects of it. I always tell them how beautiful their bodies are (particularly
their most private areas. And yes, it is a little hard to say that to my son without a smirk). If they decide to start streaking in the middle of our
Shabbos meal with guests, I do not shriek or yell at them to cover up. Instead, I smile and say, "Wow! Hashem gave you such a beautiful body! But it's
really just for you to have. It's your special present just for you." I'll let you know in a decade or two if my method has a leg to stand on…
</p>
<p>
-Aviva
</p>
<p>
<br clear="all"/>
<br/>
--
</p>
<p>
Aviva Rizel, MA
</p>
<p>
Marriage and Family Therapist
<br/>
528 Willow Avenue
</p>
<p>
Cedarhurst, NY 11516
</p>
<p>
<a href="tel:347-292-8482" target="_blank">347-292-8482</a>
</p>
<a href="mailto:avivarizel.mft@gmail.com" target="_blank">avivarizel.mft@gmail.com</a>
</div>
Aviva Lauren Rizel, MA, LMFTtag:frumtherapist.com,2005:/AvivaLaurenRizel/Smoking-Husband.htmlSmoking Husband<div>
<p>
Dear Aviva,
<br/>
My husband quit smoking before we ever met, and when we dated I made it very clear that I will not tolerate him picking up the habit again. We're
married about 4 years and I've recently been noticing signs that he has gotten into it again. I confronted him, and he fessed up right away, but I am
so mad at him! I'm worried that my kids will grow up with a bad role model while they're inhaling second-hand smoke-which is way worse than regular
smoking! How do I get him to stop?
<br/>
-Not Breathing Easy
<br/>
Dear Not Breathing Easy,
<br/>
Well, we can just end this article right here if you are looking to get him to stop. There is only one person on earth who can get him to stop. And
that is him.
<br/>
Here's how I see it: he is doing something that he is ashamed of (henceforth he did not tell you that this is what he was doing, you had to discover it
and confront him). Now you are enlightened and you both know full well that his Achilles' heel is in need of a cast or a brace or something. You can
either pinch the injury by frantically sniffing him every time he walks in the door, or you can flick that heel by following him out to the porch like
a mother hen. Or you can randomly use his car to see if there's a lighter or Febreze stashed away. These are all good suggestions to keep you feeling
very involved while keeping your husband from ever feeling safe enough to tell you what is actually going on.
<br/>
Ready for one of the hardest things you've ever done for your marriage? Accept the possibility that your husband may never quit. Ok, so we've caught
you up to your husband's reality. Now you can help him try to kick this habit (if he wants to). If you're not playing principal, he will be more likely
to open up to you when he fails. Make it ok for him to fail. Then he will only be fighting his temptation and not his parole officer as well.
<br/>
I'll give you some information from another side of the temptation coin. Men who have pornography addictions can't shake it so easily. But, according
to Barry Horowitz, men whose wives are on board with them and support them actually soar in overcoming their struggles. In Alcoholics Anonymous, they
suggest having a sponsor-someone whom you are comfortable with, who you can check in with to let them know how you are doing. You say when it's a good
day, you say when you mess up. And they are there to tell you, "It's ok, let's keep going. Tomorrow is a new day." Here, a wife who supports her
husband is a sponsor that is around 24/7.
<br/>
So your job is to calm down, and tell your husband how much you love him. Tell him that you understand that this is not an easy thing for him. Say that
you are his partner and will not judge him anymore. And that's all you will say. Now you have to show him that you are serious. Don't sniff, don't
confront and don't dart your eyes to his pockets. Once he feels safe (like in 2 weeks of this), you can gently ask, "How's the smoking going?" And if
he feels safe with you in this area and other areas, he will open up. And you will say, "Wow, that's so hard." Or, "I'm really proud of you for
trying."
<br/>
Another thing that may be worth looking into is the stressors in his life and the way he relives stress. Think of healthy outlets that would be good
for you two as a couple and present it as "couple's time" as opposed to "your new, healthy, constructive ventilation system." Bike riding season is
starting soon, and jogging is always in season. Or, if he already has something in place (like the gym or basketball with buddies), make sure that you
encourage him going. That doesn't mean that you should say, "Hey, it's 8:00! You're going to be late to basketball! C'mon, get up and leave!" No.
Instead make side comments that he can overhear like, "Sorry Chani, but I never go out at 8 on Wednesdays. That's hubby's basketball time."
<br/>
Will he stop lighting up? Don't hold your breath. But at least you'll fire up his heart in your direction.
<br/>
Aviva Rizel
</p>
</div>
Aviva Lauren Rizel, MA, LMFTtag:frumtherapist.com,2005:/AvivaLaurenRizel/Getting-My-Spouse-to-the-Couch.htmlDear Aviva: Getting My Spouse to the Therapists Couch<div>
<p>
Dear Aviva,
</p>
<p>
I've been married 3 months and have been trying to get my husband to come with me to therapy since we got engaged. He's a very private person and
refuses to talk to anyone about anything private in his life. We've had a few disagreements in the past and they always blow up into huge arguments. I
really think therapy would help us figure out how to communicate better, but I can't seem to get him to agree to go to one. Any ideas? Thanks.
</p>
<p>
-Befuddled Bride
</p>
<p>
__________________________________________________
</p>
<p>
Dear Befuddled Bride,
</p>
<p>
First of all, Mazel Tov! The first year of marriage is an enormous adjustment and many, many couples see their disagreements skidding off track before
they knew what hit 'em. This doesn't mean that you made a mistake. It simply means that you are normal.
</p>
<p>
Seeing as your marriage is only 3 months old, it may be that you do not need actual therapy. There are a number of accessible resources that can help
you before ever needing to sit yourselves down on the therapist's couch. It may be that you two just need to learn how to communicate better. While
your attraction and love for each other likely came naturally, communicating properly is really a skill set that needs to be learned and practiced
before you two can sail smoothly through conflict and discord.
</p>
<p>
The first thing I would recommend is to go on Amazon and fill up your shopping cart with any of the following books: <i>Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work</i> by Dr. John M. Gottman, <i>Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage</i>, also by Dr. John M. Gottman,
and <i>Hold Me Tight</i>, by Dr. Susan Johnson. These books are all research-based, easy to read and chock full of exercises that you and your spouse
can do in the privacy of your own home, without having to let a third party in on your marriage.
</p>
<p>
If that doesn't cut it for you, your husband may be more comfortable going to a marriage enrichment class, which is an educational class about
effective communication for healthy couples. These couple who are overall happy, come together to hear from expert presenters how to improve
communication, conflict resolution, budgeting and the like. There are exercises to do for the couples, but it is done in a private fashion where each
couple works privately and does not share with the others or with the presenter. Most of these programs are very affordable as well. One such program
which has gotten rave reviews is The SHALOM Workshop (you can check them out at <a href="http://www.shalomworkshop.org/" target="_blank">www.Shalomworkshop.org</a>).
</p>
<p>
If you see that the above is not doing it for you, then it may be time to go for therapy. Be sure to find a therapist who has a lot of training and
experience in couples. Couples therapy is a very different sort of therapy than individual work. Then, sit your husband down. Tell him how much this
would mean to you for him to just try it for one or two sessions. Tell him how you are concerned that if you don't work out your small bumps now, they
will grow to become too hard to smooth out.
</p>
<p>
Many men interpret "We're seeing a therapist" as "This means that we have major problems and will need to divorce". This is most definitely not the
case. When I see a young couple come in who are flexible without decades of resentment, willing to work out their minor kinks, I think to myself,
"Phew! I'm so happy they came in for their booster-shot against divorce!"
</p>
<p>
-Aviva
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Aviva Lauren Rizel, MA, LMFTtag:frumtherapist.com,2005:/AvivaLaurenRizel/Ask-Aviva-Ageless-Genderless-and-Underappreciated.htmlAsk Aviva: Ageless, Genderless, and UnderappreciatedDear Aviva,<BR> <BR>I will not give out my age or my gender. I merely would like to put out there that I feel under-appreciated and unloved. <BR> <BR>-Itty-Bitty<BR> <BR>Dear Itty-Bitty,<BR> <BR>Man, you make it tough for me, leaving out all the details! (Or perhaps, âLadyâ?) But thatâs ok, I will use this as an opportunity to stretch my advice columnist abilities to see if I can meet this challenge that you set for me, oh friendly foe of mineâ¦<BR> <BR>And thatâs exactly what life should look like for youâa friendly foe. It should be a challenge to meet goals and you should be meeting many of them. You should not be looking at lifeâs difficulties as a sign to throw in the towel. When the going gets tough, work harder!<BR> <BR>Just wanted to make sure that you are productive and functional in general, because if you are not, it is likely that you are not appreciating yourself and that you are not loving yourself, even though you make it sound to me that you are under-appreciated by someone else. If you donât have the self-appreciation thing going for you, no matter what others do for you, no matter how much people try to appreciate you, you will feel under-appreciated. <BR> <BR>Itâs like if I have a violin. This violin is my self-concept. I am not always bowing it or plucking it to make it sing, but it is always there. If someone comes over to my violin with a humming pitch-fork, one of my strings will resonate and vibrate. When the pitch-fork leaves my earshot, I am still soothed from my resonating violin string.<BR> <BR>But what if my violin strings snapped? Maybe they were worn away, or maybe they were wound too tight. What happens when someone comes close to me with a humming pitch-fork? My ears perk upâMusic! I am savoring every single sine and cosine of those sound waves. I am tingly all over. And then, it starts to fade, and the pitch-fork has left my surrounds. And what am I left with? Silence. Dead silence. Silence that existed before, but that I was not aware of because I did not yet have the beautiful contrast of music. And it is quite a painful silence because now that I know what music is, I also know that I cannot make musicâI donât have strings.<BR> <BR>Now the nimshal: The humming pitch fork is an outsiderâs compliment or show of appreciation, or even an act of love. It makes an impact on you. When it is over, you either are able to hold on to it and add to it using your own high sense of self-worth. Or, if you have no strings and cannot reenact that elusive sound, you are down and out, looking for some noise to replace it. <BR> <BR>So ask yourself, does your violin have strings? If it does, thatâs awesome! But now we have to figure out more. <BR> <BR>Are you expressing to those who undervalue you the disappointment you feel? This should ideally be done soon after you felt neglected. If I were to ask the people close to you, âDoes Itty-Bitty feel like you love and appreciate Itty-Bitty?â Would they say âTotally!â? If so, then you have to start learning how to recognize signs of feeling the disappointment (resentment is a sign that youâve been disappointed for a few minutes). Once you know that you were let down and how you were let down, you need to assert yourself in a non-aggressive, non-attacking manner. If you donât feel safe to, try telling the people close to you, âI want to tell you how I feel, but I donât feel safe telling you.â That letâs a lionâs claws retract and will at least help the person be aware that you are more fragile than he/she thinks.<BR> <BR>Make it clear that you need the person to say or do x. Clarifying your needs boosts the likelihood of having them met. <BR> <BR>Finally, if you feel like you are constantly trying to accommodate and please a particular person, but you objectively do not get positive feedback, you may be in an unhealthy relationship with the person. If you can never do anything right, youâre being played.<BR> <BR>So play your own music.<BR> <BR>-AvivaAviva Lauren Rizel, MA, LMFT