Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

October 24th, 2014

Survivor Syndrome and Us - Parshat Noach We have often heard of post-flood Noah suffering from what has become popularly known as the survivor syndrome. Simply put, someone who survived a traumatic event while those around him didn't is often filled with guilt over having survived while others didn't, or a belief that he was not worthy of surviving, or shock and anger about the traumatic event or other reactions. Usually the traumatic event invol …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

October 29th, 2014

Go Forth Inwards - Parshat  Lech Lecha Knowing where we are going is usually a good idea when we start any journey - whether we are going to work, on a vacation or to a family gathering. It is, therefore, surprising that when God says to Avraham at the beginning of Parshat Lech Lecha, "go forth", he seems to start by not telling him where he is going but rather what he is leaving. "Go forth from your land, from your birthplace and from your …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

November 7th, 2014

Living with Contradictions - Parshat Vayeira One of the more difficult challenges in life is being presented with two diametrically opposed choices - a choice so complicated that no matter what you choose, you would have to compromise a dearly-held value. On a very basic level we are not talking about choosing between chocolate brownie ice cream or a milkshake - that may be a deep dilemma though certainly not contradictory choices. We are talking …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

November 12th, 2014

Unglorious Kindness - Parshat Chayei Sara Good-deed-doers often go unnoticed. In the classic movie, Wizard of Oz, the Wizard speaks to the Tin Man of many good-deed-doers. Some get recognized for their work and are thanked privately and sometimes even publicly. Yet even those who may not get testimonials for their works, their deeds are no less important nor less appreciated by the recipient of their kindness. The beginning of this week's parsha, …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

November 18th, 2014

Dealing with Difficulties - Parshat Toldot In order to learn how to deal with difficulties in our lives we often turn to our forefathers for guidance. Rivka at the beginning of this week's parsha, Parshat Toldot, finds herself suffering through a difficult pregnancy. The suffering is so great that she turns towards God for answers. The answer was that there was a rational explanation for the difficulty in her pregnancy. She was to have twins.1 Th …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

November 25th, 2014

The Responsibility of Choice - Parshat Vayeitzei Miracles are but one way in which God effects change in the world. When the children of Israel were to leave Egypt, He brought upon them 10 plagues and then split the Red Sea. Yet there are times when God demands of us to take responsibility for our actions. Near the end of this week's Parsha, Vayeitzei, we find Lavan chasing down Yaakov. God could easily have prevented such a meeting in any number …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

December 4th, 2014

Having it all - Parshat Vayishlach Do you have it all? Can one ever have it all? How would you know if you did? In this week's parsha, Parshat Vayishlach, we find two different attitudes towards this very question. Yaakov sends Esav a gift to win his favor. When they meet, Esav says "I have much - brother, keep your gift." Yaakov replies, no, please take it for "I have it all."1 Is this just a semantic difference or is there something that reflec …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

December 9th, 2014

To Live a Life of Ease - Parshat Vayeishev Have you ever had a saying that bothered you or followed you around for years because you just didn't 'get it'? I've had that experience with a line that Rashi uses near the beginning of this week's parsha - Parshat Vayeishev. The Torah relates that Yaakov was in the land of his fathers.1 Since we already knew that from previous sentences, this sentence is superfluous and must be coming to teach us somet …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

December 17th, 2014

But...But...But... - Parshat Miketz I have found in my professional work that the word "but" can be one of the most dangerous words a person can use. It is often used in the context of "yeah, I am capable of doing stuff but it never works out. I must be a failure" A person who says this often is suffering from low self-esteem and even when he says something good about himself, he discredits himself immediately. This statement is a self-inflicted …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

December 25th, 2014

A Great Story - Parshat Vayigash Everyone loves a good story. The intrigue. The emotion. The thrill. The secrets. The ability to read the story again and again and never tire of it - even when you know the end. And of course there's the 'happy end'. This week's parsha, Parshat Vayigash has all the elements of a great story as it provides us with one of the most exciting and thrilling stories that never dies. The story of Joseph and his brothers h …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

January 1st, 2015

Your Own Salad - Parshat Vayechi It's great to be able to open up the fridge, look inside and say - wow, there's enough here to make my own salad. That’s exactly what Jacob points out in this week's parsha - Parshat Vayechi. He calls his children together for one last time and gives each their own individual blessing. At the end of all the blessings, though, the Torah summarizes and says - "each man according to his blessing he blessed them …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

January 9th, 2015

Too Distraught - Parshat Shemot Have you ever had a situation when you were too distraught to actually focus on an activity or an assignment? This happened to me this week after my brother-in-law, Yitz Kurtz, was niftar. I was trying to decide whether or not to incorporate this into my essay. What would I write about, how to write it, etc? I was confused and having difficulty focusing. Do I skip this week altogether or just write a short message? …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

January 16th, 2015

The Will to Want - Parshat Vaeira I like to believe that I am open to new experiences and new learning. There are even times when upon hearing a new thought I find that it can have a profound effect on me and how I live my life. It doesn’t happen often but it does happen. There is, in this week's Torah portion, Parshat Vaeira, a seemingly innocuous and superfluous comment by Rashi, the great medieval commentator. The Torah says that God app …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

January 23rd, 2015

Actions or Miracles? - Parshat Bo In the wake of recent anti-Semitic attacks worldwide*, there are people who wish for God to appear and perform miracles. "Let's just get it over and done with already," they say. Apparently, God doesn’t work like that. He requires action. Sometimes, as in Noah, the action of requiring Noah to build an ark is directly and clearly related to the event, the flood He is planning. Sometimes it isn't. In this wee …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

January 27th, 2015

Rational Thinkers? Parshat Beshalach   During a tense moment in a Batman show, the villain is holding on for dear life while also continuing to grasp a heavy bag laden with treasure. If she lets go of the bag, she will be able to hold on until she can be saved. If she continues to hold on to the heavy bag, however, she will surely fall into the bottomless pit. Robin, Batman's sidekick, asks how she could possibly decide to hold on to the bag …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

February 3rd, 2015

Techniques. Good for the Jews? Parshat Yitro We like to see ourselves as organized intelligent people who go about our business efficiently. Yet too often we get caught up in the doing and lose sight of our goals. When Moshe starts accepting people's complaints in court in Parshat Yitro, we find him sitting the whole day long hearing everyone's statements and counter-statements. Yitro notices this and suggests a different method of building a jus …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

February 17th, 2015

Living with Contradictions - Part 2 - Parshat Terumah I hate contradictions. I hate them in others and I hate them within myself. But they are always there! And I am not crazy about feeling hate. It's an unpleasant sensation. How do I stop this? In this week's Torah portion - Parshat Terumah - the Torah tells us that God will speak with Moses from the area on top of the Holy Ark. Rashi points out that in a different place it is written that God w …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

February 24th, 2015

Glory for the People - Parshat Tetzaveh In imagining what the criteria were for the service in the temple, one would think of choosing special people to perform the spiritual  rituals and to ensure that the tools and utensils be able to fulfill the holy task. Whether or not it looks nice I would have thought to be of secondary importance at best. In this week's po­rtion, Parshat Tetzaveh, we find that the Torah goes out of its way to ass …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

March 3rd, 2015

A Part of a Whole - Parshat  Ki Tissa  Usually the easiest way to count is by using whole numbers…1,2,3… Other manners are possible but not quite as easy. Yet in this week's portion, Parshat Ki Tissa, there is a commandment to count the people by using half-shekels1, half a coin instead of a full coin. I agree that it is not a difficult manner in which to count people - just multiply by two and you have your sum. But why g …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

March 10th, 2015

The Human Need to Give - Parshat  Vayakhel-Pekudei  Is altruism dead? There are many cynics who might even say altruism never existed. People only give for their own neurotic needs, they might say. In Parshat Vayakhel-Pekudei, the people of Israel were first asked to contribute to the building of the tabernacle, and then, when the contributions were so plentiful, they were prevented from bringing more.1 Rabbi Jacob Mecklenburg poin …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

March 18th, 2015

Taking Responsibility - Parshat Vayikra We become excited when we do something well. It helps our self-esteem. It gives us a boost - and the more significant it is the greater it impacts us. It can even carry us through our day. We relish in those days. There are other days, when we make mistakes. They similarly impact us but with a negative sense of self. We can become embarrassed and try to cover up what we did from others and even sometimes fr …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

March 24th, 2015

Taking for Granted - Parshat Tzav We all know that in times of trouble many people turn to God for help. They engage in prayer for the item or the change that they wish. "There are no atheists in a foxhole," the saying goes. But if his answers are fulfilled, what is his reaction? Does he then turn to God? There is an old story about a man driving to a job interview but couldn’t find a parking spot. He drove around and around and still was u …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

March 31st, 2015

Statue of Responsibility - Pesach "The Festival of our Liberty" is one of the nicknames of Pesach1 and points to the fact that our ancestors were freed from the Egyptian slavery on this date. We celebrate that we are no longer under the control of another nation and are free to do as we wish. We celebrate liberty as do nations around the world. The Liberty Bell in Philadelphia and the Statue ofLiberty in New York, as well as Independence Park in …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

April 8th, 2015

The Maid's Epiphany - 7th Day Pesach Making a change which involves a sense of gaining one's independence can be an exciting and thrilling moment. Whether it is going from being a salaried employee to being an entrepreneur, getting out of a bad relationship, release from jail - these all represent a change where the person will now be in greater charge of their own destiny. The Midrash describes such an epiphany. In the story of the splitting of …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

April 14th, 2015

When a parent loses a child, the community, friends and family gather round to try and find ways to support the parents and siblings, if there are, in this difficult time. But how about the others - friends and family who are not direct mourners*? In Judaism, there are no official laws for them. Are they not mourners? In a humanly tragic moment, in Parshat Shemini, Aaron's children were killed before his eyes and the eyes of the entire nation. Mo …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

April 21st, 2015

The Bigness of Little Things - Parshat Tazria-Metzora We tend to care for the expensive items we have at home. We insure our jewelry, put money in safes, build cabinets for silver candlesticks, etc. There is even a special Muktza1 category for expensive items - "muktza due to possible loss of money". The Torah however, shows interest in a person's simple possessions as well. In Parshat Metzora, the Torah tells us that leprosy can strike a person' …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

April 30th, 2015

Love Yourself To "Love Thy Neighbor"- Acharei Mot-Kedoshim The concept of 'brotherly love' is international. There is even a city named for the concept - Philadelphia. Yet there is another, more basic concept  that often gets overlooked. One of the most famous and oft-quoted sentences of the Torah (and the famous rabbinic principle based on it) appears in this week's parsha, Acharei Mot-Kedoshim. "Love thy neighbor as thyself"1 is a basic te …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

May 5th, 2015

This topic has people confused. Is it right to want to make an impression? Shouldn’t I just be myself? Don’t people make their own impressions of me anyway - I might want to control that. On the other hand, as Rav Aviner once said, I don't want to become an indentured servant to the society I live in. The answer I believe is, of course, both are right (and, yes, I do know the next question 'how could both be right' and, yes, you are r …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

May 11th, 2015

It Ain't Easy - Bechukotai The baseball season is well under way and the basketball playoffs are heating up. When we watch these professional athletes play it seems so easy to hit the ball, make a running catch, strikeout a home run king, dribble with both hands and sink a reverse layup. But hours upon hours of work go into perfecting their moves. They watch videos, train with coaches and then exercise and practice some more. The same thing goes …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

May 20th, 2015

Your Legacy - Parshat Bamidbar We often hear talk about legacies. A politician's legacy. A parent's legacy. Our legacy. What is a legacy? What do we leave behind for the next generation? How do we decide that? The concept of legacy is addressed in this week's parsha - Parshat Bamidbar. In a relatively innocent statement the Torah takes a census of the people and talks about the family of Moshe as well.1 Yet, when detailing the family members …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

May 25th, 2015

Maintaining Your Identity in a Group - Parshat Naso One of the most difficult issues we deal with is in a social setting is knowing when to subjugate ourselves to the rule of the majority and when to assert ourselves. When do we become a part of the herd and when do we color ourselves differently? During the celebration of the consecration of the tabernacle in the desert, there is an unusual donation that is described in this week's Torah portion …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

June 2nd, 2015

Humility is a Good Thing - Parshat Behaalotecha  One of the most maligned of human attributes is that of humility. It has become synonymous with being viewed as a doormat at best, ridiculed at worst. People have told me: "Would you want a political or community leader to be huuumbbble?" stretching out the word as if saying it with disgust or even disdain, almost as if it were a disease. In addition, there is an old adage which says that onc …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

June 9th, 2015

Standing up to Peer Pressure - Parshat Shelach One of the most difficult challenges throughout a person's life is that of peer pressure. It is important to toe the line in some cases (op. cit. blog of Parshat Naso). Yet it is sometimes important to stand for what we believe despite pressure to conform. Knowing where the difference is between the two is quite a challenge. How can we make that differentiation? In the story of the scouts in thi …
4 comments

Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

June 17th, 2015

The Beauty (and Ugliness) of Conflict - Parshat Korach Conflict may have gotten a bum rap. There is a lot to be said for conflict but on the whole it is viewed as negative, something to avoid. People who get into conflicts are often considered trouble-makers. So what may be the positive side of conflict? In fact, this week's parsha, Parshat Korach, discusses one of the most famous conflicts in the Torah. Korach, unhappy with the appointment of a …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

June 24th, 2015

Can Death be Understood? - Parshat  Chukkat Understanding death is one of the mightiest struggles we encounter throughout our lives. Yet few, if any, actually attain a grasp on what it is. How do we react? Some extremists deny its existence, others have belief systems which explain that it's a part of something greater but, on a day-to-day basis, most of us simply choose to ignore it. The concept is so complex and so threatening that it is j …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

July 1st, 2015

Take Advantage of Yourself - Parshat Balak  How terrible it is to see naturally talented people not use their talents. Or even to see others not use whatever talents they do have. There was an ad running starting in the 1970's for the United Negro College Fund: "A mind is a terrible thing to waste." How true. It is even sadder and more painful to see someone use their talents to try to hurt others. In this week's parsha, Parshat Balak, we ac …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

July 8th, 2015

Relay Races - Parshat Pinchas One of the more exciting track&field competitions is the relay race. It depends on individual as well as team effort. There is a common goal and everyone is pulling for that goal. Each leg of the race is important to the individual as well as the team. The passing of the baton must be precise and coordinated or else the team loses precious time and energy. The passing of leadership as well needs to be timely …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

July 15th, 2015

Do we Really Need to Control our Anger? Parshat Mattos-Masei One of the most talked about attributes that we have as humans is that of anger. It is usually presented in a negative light. It is something we need to manage. Courts have sent people to anger management workshops. There was even a movie and afterwards a TV series called Anger Management. It is human to be angry. It is part of human nature. So what is so bad about it? Is it so bad? Can …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

July 23rd, 2015

Right Way to Discipline - Parshat  Devarim Disciplining our children is one of the greater challenges we have as parents. What is the right way? What is the wrong way? What should we aim for? What should we avoid at any cost? There are biblical pronouncements: "Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them"1 which has been popularized and loosely translated as "spare the rod s …
2 comments

Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

July 31st, 2015

Honoring Parents - Not Just for Little Kids - Parshat Vaetchanan We are taught as little kids in almost every culture in the world to listen to parents and honor them. As little kids, we think we have done the biggest thing in the world if we play quietly while they are sleeping. As we are growing older, so are our parents. At times, they may become ill and the necessity of caring for them often falls on the shoulders of the children. How do we …
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