Thank you Hashem for all your kindness and love you bestow on myself and my husband. It is early in the morning, when I should still be sleeping. I woke up after a restful, deep relaxing sleep to use the restroom and I am having difficulty falling asleep. I am reflecting on the past several years and focusing on the past few intense months. I feel mixed emotions but I am overcome with an intense love, happiness and gratitude towards my husband. W …
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Finding each other while getting lost Part 1 With much gratitude to the almighty we recently celebrated our first wedding anniversary. I have learnt so much about myself and grown as a person and a wife with the loving support of my husband. I am so grateful for this forum, where I was able to express myself while I was searching for my soul mate. When I started dating, I knew that at some point, when things become serious, I would have to tell t …
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I look down at myself Discouraged, disappointed feeling hopeless Overwhelmed with guiltiness Stressed at my situation This food addiction is hurting me bad. Ten years I have battled Twelve step programs, meetings , sponsors Weighing, measuring, phone calls I do well with the structure No flour. No sugar. Relapse when emotions surface Start day one, again Tired, dejected, stuck I have put energy, time …
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Dearest You,I am filled with emotions as I sit here ready to free my heart and share my love and joy with you. For several months I felt something was missing I tried to put words on paper but the thoughts that were on my mind was pulling me down. One word kept on surfacing again and again as much as I tried to deny and reject I knew it was true. Alone, I felt lonely and I was losing hope. I vividly remember that knot in my stom …
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I feel I live in a bubble when it pops it leaves a rainbow effect some colors prettier than others some colors unnecessary. For a while now thank you G-d I have been healthy and doing really well in many areas of my life. I feel connected to my inner core and able to express my feelings. Several days ago I noticed something was off. My mood seemed elevated, over the top, not my norm. My appetite started decreasing and the wor …
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Purim is fast approaching I feel my mask is in place, the mask I wear every day. The happy go lucky, easy going, happy personify I display. The well liked successful, responsible, smart and stylish appearance I keep. I never lie or hurt anyone intentionally, I am afraid of no one I hold a small fear of animals and I despise being judged. Once the masked is lifted loneliness engulfs my being. I feel sad, trapped, I feel fat, ugly, and I am hurting. I am afraid of dying young and donât want to be ever called immature or a victim.
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Today I mark in my calendar three years of mental health of personal growth and gratification. How did this come about? Love happiness and fulfillment is what fills me today. In the past this blog has allowed me to vent, to mourn to express emotions I didn't know I owned. Allowing me to heal through expressive writing through the knowledge that others were listening and perhaps identifying. Writing is a mystery for me. I allow my hands to type and my mind to connect and my heart to be open. What will come up today is where I am holding in my life.
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No man's land is lonely, scary, and seems to be endless. I don't have rage and hatred towards my brother who molested me. I don't want to waste my energy and be weighed down by anger. At the same time I have no interest in a relationship with him, especially since he has taken no ownership in his wrongdoing. Is neutral where I need to be to move on? I want to put this behind as much as I can. Right now all I feel is stuck. Stuck with overwhelmin …
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I was diagnosed with Bipolar, in this article I am suffering from a severe episode of mania. I am describing my experience in a psychiatric hospital . I awake to find myself in bed surrounded by doctors and nurses. I forget where I am. Dr Sacks in his loud voice booms "How are you feeling Rochel?" I shake my head I blink several times and answer in disbelief. "I feel as if I have been run over by a car", a chuckle ensues. Startle …
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Alone, scared, crying Night has come again I wait sad He leaves closing the door Darkness all around I feel nothing
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I glance over the medical forms the receptionist handed me a few minutes earlier. There are many different people walking around coming and going I was not interested in what was going on around me. I was busy filling in the papers on the clip board. I was worried I would take too long and be late for my first appointment. So far I had checked off that I suffer from a mental illness that I take medication mood stabilizers to be precise. I have a …
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The first time I am in hospital for a lengthily stay I am twenty one month's old fighting for my life suffering from meningitis. The first time I black out I am three my babysitter thinking I am dead panics. As I child I often blacked out with no explanation. The first time I went to school I waved good bye and did not look back I loved being social and having fun. The first time I hear my parent's whisper I know something is wrong, home life is stressful. The first time my sister Sara does not come home and misses my seventh birthday I am scared. The first person to tell me the truth is a girl the same age, a few weeks shy of my ninth birthday.
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I made a choice painful and as complicated as this may turn out I know it is the right step forward. I am going to give my parents a second chance at protecting me, will they own it? Hesitantly I tell them of the molestation that their son had afflicted on me, my older brother. The fear that was silently imposed on me the pain and shame. Slowly I tell them everything.
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