When a parent tells me that she is overwhelmed, I usually say "That sounds very difficult. What do you do when you're overwhelmed?"
Parenting has two components: Setting expectations, and helping your child meet each one. Make sure each expectation meets the criteria of CPR: Concrete (specific, not vague); Positive (what you want from the child, not what you don’t want); and Realistic (including how soon and for how long you want the child to meet this particular expectation) If a child is unable to meet an expectation, help him gain competence, or modify the expectatio …
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One of the most common parenting practices is also one of the least helpful: lecturing. Long before Google listed about 2,170,000 results for a search on parent lecture unhelpful, Chazal warned us against lecturing children. A person should always teach his student in a concise manner. (Pesachim 3b) Whether regarding the mundane or the spiritual, anyone who uses excess words causes chait [sin or error]. We see this from Chazal who taught: a …
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Insider trading is the trading of a company’s stocks or other securities by individuals with access to confidential or non-public information about the company. Taking advantage of this privileged access is considered a breach of the individual’s fiduciary duty. (https://www.law.cornell.edu/wex/insider_trading) Many parents seek help in meeting their parental duties. That help begins with acquiring insider information.&nbs …
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A riddle: How does a child know when his parent is multitasking him? When his parent says: Go ahead, I’m listening. If you will allow me to get personal, I will tell you that I do not like being the victim of multitasking. I am not a task. I am a person. I sometimes want the undivided attention of another person. If I rarely get undivided attention from that person I begin to wonder how important I am to them. As an …
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Yehudah ben Tabay omer…uch’sheyiyu ba'alei dinin omdim l’fanecha yiyu b'einecha k’rsha'im. And when there are litigants standing before you see them as wicked. (Avos 1:8) Rav Baruch HaLevi Epstein Z”L, author of the Torah Temimah, wondered why you would think of two people who came to a Bais Din to adjudicate their dispute as rishayim. It is very difficult to call people who come to trial wicked; what wi …
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Rabbi Akiva omeir…V’hakol l’fi roev hama'aseh. Rabbi Akiva says…Hakol is according to the roev of the action. (Avos 3:15) The two words I left untranslated are ambiguous. Hakol. Hakol means the entirety, all of it. All of what? Roev. Roev can mean the majority or the frequency or the magnitude. Which one does it denote in the context of this Mishna? According to the Rambam, roev refer …
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O chavrusa o misusa, either a friend or death. (Taanis 23a) Hyperbole? No. One of the forms of punishment described in halacha is niddui, social isolation. Chazal understood the severity of this sentence, the emotional pain inflicted, as recent science has described. Research has linked social isolation and loneliness to higher risks for a variety of physical and mental conditions: high blood pressure, heart disease, obesity, a …
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Shomer pesayim Hashem, Hashem protects the simple. (Tehilim 116:6) Keivan d’dashu bei rabbim, shomer pesayim Hashem. Since this is common practice, Hashem protects the simple. (Shabbos 129b) That principle reflects the truism that all human activity is accompanied by a measure of danger but that Halacha takes no cognizance of danger below a certain threshold level. (Contemporary Halakhic Problems Volume IV, J. David Bleich, Ktav …
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Your child does know better. So why did she do that? Reish Lakish amar: Ein adam oveir aveirah ella im kein nichnas bo ruach shtus. Reish Lakish said: A man commits a sin only if a spirit of folly enters him. (Sotah 3a) Our sages tell us that a person does not sin unless he has temporarily taken leave of his senses. They quote Bamidar 12:11 in support of this. Aharon says to Moshe, asher no'alnu v'asher chatanu, because of our foolish …
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Ani Yosef, ha'od avi chai? V’lo yochlu echav l’anos oso ki nivhalu mipanav. I am Joseph. Is my father still alive? But his brothers could not answer him, so disturbed, dismayed, terrified, anxious were they before him. (Braishis 45:3) The Midrash says, Yosef was the youngest of the brothers, yet they could not stand his rebuke, as it says, and his brothers could not answer him because they were so shaken in his presence. What r …
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What do you daven for? Please respond anonymously via this link. I asked my family members to share this question with friends and I sent the request to the readers who receive my articles via email each week. Here are the replies I received: Children, my husband should get satisfaction from his learning, parnassah, health, baby should behave at the babysitter, job satisfaction, friends. To have a healthy baby. To be happy in the stage of l …
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Tovim ha’shnayim min ha'echad asher yesh lahem sachar tov ba'amalam. Two are better than one since they have a good reward for their labor. (Koheles 4:9) Tovim ha’shnayim: this refers to Moshe and Aharon. Min ha'echad: better than one alone and the other alone. For we find that when Moshe gave a bracha to Yisrael the Shechina did not rest [on Yisrael] because of him but when they both together gave a bracha to Yisrael the Shechi …
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Our tefilos are worded in the plural. Give us wisdom, return us in teshuva, forgive us, and ten more requests in the Shemona Esrei, always asking on behalf of all of us. Mar b’rai d’Ravina had an additional request. Mar b’rai d’Ravina ki havei mesayeim tselosei amar hachi: Elokai, n’tsor leshoni meirah u’sifosei midaber mirmah. V’limkalelei nafshi sidom v’nafshi k’afar lakol tihyeh. When …
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I’ve read that when you are angry at your child you should take a deep breath and count to ten before you say anything. Every time I’m about to tell my child what she did wrong, I stop, take a deep breath, and count to ten. After I’ve done all that, I say the exact same thing in the same angry voice that I was going to say to begin with. What’s the point of breathing and counting when I end up the same, R …
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The Rabbis said to Rabbi Yehoshua ben Levi: Young students came today to the bais medrash and said things the likes of which were not said even in the days of Yehoshua bin Nun! (Shabbos 104a) Why mention that the children came today? It appears to me, b’Siyata d’Shmaya, that the Rabbis said today to emphasize that if children in earlier generations had said such insights we would not have been so surprised and impressed. B …
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Ikar v’Tafel is a principle of primary and secondary importance. The level of importance has halachic ramifications in hilchos Shabbos and in liturgy. Hamotzei oechlin pachos mi’kshir b’kli, patur af al ha’kli she’ha’kli tafela lo. One who carries out food [in a vessel on Shabbos] less than the amount of food one is prohibited to carry, is exempt, even for carrying out the vessel [which would otherw …
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Tanu rabbanan: shtei shanim u’mechtza nechleku Bais Shammai u’Bais Hillel. Halalu omrim noach lo le'adam shelo nivra yoseir mi’sh’nivra v’halalu omrim noach lo le'adam sh’nivra yoseir mi’shelo nivra. Nimnu v’gamru noach lo le'adam shelo nivra yoseir mi’sh’nivra . Achshav sh’nivra, y’fashfeish b’ma'asav, v’amri lah, y’mashmeish b’ma'asav. &n …
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Tafasta merubah, lo tafasta; tafasta mu'at, tafasta. If you [try to] take many, you will not take [anything]; If you [try to] take a small amount, you will take [it]. (Chagigah 17a) Feelings of anxiety often result from believing that you need to do more than you can possibly do. Unfortunately, anxiety often is expressed in the form of anger at the people and tasks you have taken onto your plate to do. Feelings are messengers, they tell you …
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Hevei misunim ba’din, be deliberate in judgment. (Avos 1:1) How much did it once cost when someone was not deliberate in judgment? Rav Adda bar Ahava saw a non-Jewish woman who was wearing a karbalta, a racy garment inappropriate for Jewish women [Maharsha], in the marketplace. He thought that she was Jewish so he tore it from her. It was then determined that she was a Gentile. [She sued him and was awarded] four hundred zuz.&nb …
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When Rabbi Tarfon taught: Lo alecha ha-malacha ligmor (Avos 2:16), he might not have had homework in mind. If the alecha is you, the parent, it certainly applies. Now that the midsummer nights they dream about all year are over, our children are back in school. One local Yeshiva’s science teacher welcomed his students back with this missive to their parents: I hope this email finds you well. It was really nice seeing the boys ba …
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Mar b’rai d’Ravina ki havah mesayeim tzelosei amar hachi: Yih'yu l'ratzon imrei fi v’hegyon libi l’fanecha… Mar, the son of Ravina, when he concluded his tefilah, said the following: May the words of my mouth and the thoughts of my heart find favor before You...(Tehilim 19:15 cited in Brachos 17a) What do we mean when we say this pasuk at the end of our tefila? If, when we were davening, the words of our mouths matc …
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Ben Bag Bag says: hafoch bah v’hafoch bah, dcholah bah (Avos 5:22) Hafoch in it and hafoch in it. What is it? The Torah. What does hafoch mean? Rav said to Rav Kahana, hafoch with an animal carcass, do not hafoch with words. (Pesachim 113a) This means a person should involve himself (hafoch) with a carcass rather than involving himself with words because the latter leads to inappropriate speech... (Maharsha ibid) Accordin …
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Omar Rabbi Shimon ben Halafta: lo matza haKadosh Baruch Hu kli machazik bracha l’Yisrael elah hashalom. Rabbi Shimon ben Halafta said: haKakodosh Baruch Hu found no vessel that could contain blessing for Israel other than shalom. (Uktzin 3:12) My colleague received this email: This coming week Selichos begins. My father used to wake me up when I was in 1st grade, and he'd take me at midnight to Shul. Therefore, I have been doing that with …
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B’tzedek tishpot amisecha, Judge your people with righteousness. (Vayikra 19:15) The Sages taught: Judge your people with righteousness: [this means that] you should judge your fellow with the benefit of the doubt. (Shavuos 30a) This is not referring to judging between litigants, rather it refers to seeing your fellow do something you could interpret as a sin or a merit. You should interpret him as doing something meritorious an …
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Some people seem to be unsure of the meaning of one of the brachos we say every morning. When putting on shoes say [the bracha] she’asah li kal tzarki, Who has made for me all of my needs. (Brachos 60b) What does putting on shoes have to do with providing all of my needs? All I need is a pair of shoes? That cannot be why the gemara associated this bracha with shoes. The Avudraham says, the reason for this bracha [bei …
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This article, in its original form, was written in November of 2011. I spoke with the protagonist, “Mirel,” last week. Baruch Hashem, her daughter is now 13 and having the tantrums typical in form and to be expected of an adolescent. Mirel is coping well and her daughter is the beneficiary. Here’s what I wrote, ten years and what seems a lifetime ago: I did not have a tantrum yesterday but if I were younger I j …
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A person only connects to the higher levels through speech, it is the entire honorable part in him. It is called the "living soul" of a man since the rest of the parts of the body die. And if a person loses this good part, the body remains dead and like an unwanted vessel. Therefore we are required [by halacha] to keep our word b’divrei Shamayim... And regarding all other matters, even though there is no positive or negative mitzvah a …
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V’amarta bilvavecha koechi v'otzem yadi asah li es hachayil hazeh. And you will say in your heart, “My strength and the power of my hand have given me this success.” (Devarim 8:17) What do you think in your head after you’ve said that in your heart? You think, you realize, that the strength and the power came from Hashem. What about you? What was your role in your success? Hashem gave everyone a vital role in succes …
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Akavia ben Mehalalel’s son said to him, “Father, commend me to your colleagues.” Akavia said to him, “I will not commend you.” He said to Akavia, “Have you found something wrong with me?” Akavia said, “No. Your deeds will cause you to be accepted, and your deeds will cause you to be distanced.” (Eduyos 5:7) He was telling his son that he should engage in maasim tovim in orde …
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Vay’yisrotzatzu habanim b’kirba, the children ran [figuratively] inside of her. (Braishis 25:22) Vay’yisrotzatzu habanim b’kirba: When she [Rivka Emeinu] stood at batei knesses and batei midrash, Yaakov moved convulsively to go out... And when she passed by houses of idolatry, Esau ran and moved convulsively to go out. (Braishis Rabbah 63:6) Stood at batei knesses and batei midrash: With reference to bate …
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The Rebbe of Peasetzna, ZTZ”L HY”D, wrote about the difference between symptomatic treatment and healing. An analogy would be someone with a gastric infection that causes him to regurgitate. If he visits a quack doctor who treats only the symptoms, the infection itself will not be healed. The infection will continue to spread, pus and poisoned blood will increase. The underlying causes will overcome the suppressing drug, and the patie …
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It may be that the Hebrew word m’funuk and the English word finicky are cognate. Even if they share an origin, they have parted company in meaning. Rashi defines the term istenis as m’funuk. (Sotah 11a) Finicky people are picky and often unsatisfied. They complain more than they suffer. An istenis suffers. Rabbi Yannai says: All the days of the poor are terrible (Mishlei 15:15); this refers to one who is an istenis.& …
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Rabbi Yehuda of Kefar Giboraya, and some say of Kefar Gibor Chayil, taught: What is the meaning of that which is written: “For You silence is praise” (Tehilim 65:2)? The best medicine is silence. When Rav Dimi came from Eretz Yisrael to Bavel, he said: In the West [in Eretz Yisrael, which is west of Bavel] they say: If a word is worth one sela, silence is worth two. (Megillah 18a) The best medicine is to refrain from sayin …
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Okay, the title is not quite accurate. Rabbi Elimelech mi’Lizhensk did not draw this flowchart. I drew it, based on the Noam Elimelech on Parshas Vayeira and Parshas Shemini. (Pages 60 and 341 in Pe’ar Mikdoshim edition, 5774) The above diagram shows the hashpaah flowing from Hashem to the parents, who in turn, channel the shefa of Hashem to their children. The children, seeing, hearing, and feeling Hashem&rsqu …
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V’es Amalaynu, ailu ha’banim. (Haggadah shel Pesach) Our hard work: this refers to the children: For they are the hard work of man See how much effort man invests to raise them and teach them derech eretz and Torah, and he also works to leave them money after his death. (Ritva, cited by Haggadah shel Pesach Misivta, 5774, page 553) Our hard work: this refers to the children: The main reason that a person works …
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A person should say, Masai yagiu ma’asai lima’asei avosai Avraham, Yitzchak, v’Yaakov? When will my deeds reach those of my forefathers Avraham, Yitzchak, and Yaakov? (Tanna Dvei Eliyahu Rabba chapter 25) According to Chazal, we should aspire to be like our ancestors. This is a realistic expectation. Each and every one can be like Avraham our father and like the other holy fathers, and there is no generation in which there is no …
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Igneous rock and logarithm are not musical terms. The slide rule is not about how to conduct yourself at the playground. In case these terms are not at your fingertips, may I remind you: Igneous rock is one of the three main rock types, the others being sedimentary and metamorphic. Igneous rock is formed through the cooling and solidification of magma or lava. A logarithm is a quantity representing the power to which a fixed number (the bas …
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Abaye and Rava were seated before Rabba. Rabba said to them: To whom does one recite brochos? They said to him: To Rachmana [the Merciful, i.e. Hashem]. Rabba asked them: And where does Rachmana reside? Rava pointed to the ceiling. Abaye went outside and pointed toward the heavens. Rabba said to them: You will both become Rabbis. It is as people say: A cucumber can be recognized from its blossom. (Brachos 48a) Abaye and Rava were chil …
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Ben Zoma says...Eizehu ashir? Hasomeach b’chelko. Who is wise? One who is someach with his portion. (Avos 4:1) Someach. What does that mean? Someach is often translated as joyful. How often can we joyfully celebrate our portion? Rav Nachman of Breslov famously taught that it is a great mitzvah to be in a state of simcha always! Does he mean that we should always be joyful? Maybe no …
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Rabbi Yehoshua ben Levi would recite these verses [Tehilim 90] until he fell asleep. How could he do that? Didn’t Rabbi Yehoshua ben Levi [himself] say: One is forbidden to heal himself with words of Torah? Prevention from harm is different. (Shavuos 15b) It is permitted to use words of Torah, including Tanach, to prevent harm even though it is not permitted for healing. During a visit to Boston in 1733, Benjam …
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