Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
This series of articles began with four statements.
I canât let him see me cry.
You made mommy sad.
You shouldnât get so angry.
You donât hate your brother.
One of these four statements may actually be dangerous for your child. The other three are simply inaccurate. Over the past two weeks, weâve discussed the inaccuracy of the first two.
This week weâll see what is inaccurate about the third one, and what to say instead.
Letâs begin by exploring the contrast between anger and three other emotions as addressed in Pirkei Avos.
Rabbi Eleazar ha-Kappar used to say: Jealousy, lust and [the desire for] honor put a man out of the world. [4:28]
What about anger? Why isnât anger in that list? And what does Pirkei Avos teach us about anger?
Rabbi Eliezer used to say: do not be easy to anger. [2:10]
There are four types of temperaments. One who is easily angered and easily appeased: his shortcoming overrides his virtue. One whom it is difficult to anger and difficult to appease: his virtue overrides his shortcoming. One whom it is difficult to anger and is easily appease is a chassid. One who is easily angered and is difficult to appease is wicked. [5:14]
The Torah is acquired with 48 ways. These are: ... slowness to anger. [6:6]
There is no Mishna that prescribes moderation in jealousy, lust or the desire for honor. We are not taught to be slow to become jealous, and no virtue is accorded to one whose lust is seldom aroused. Conversely, there is no Mishna that warns us against anger in the categorical terms reserved for the other three.
The reason for this is that there is nothing categorically wrong with the feeling of anger. We may go very wrong in how we express our anger, but thereâs nothing wrong with feeling angry sometimes.
The feeling we describe as anger is an internal message that something is not the way we would like it to be. It may be something that someone said or did, and it may be something we are angry about at ourselves. Like most emotions, anger is a catalyst for action. In other words, anger is an emotional reaction to something we have experienced and it drives us to do something in response.
Rochel loves to play morah. She sets up four chairs next to each other and puts a doll onto each of the chairs. Then she very gently explains things to them that she had learned in her first grade classroom earlier that day. Itâs really quite adorable to watch, until her three-year-old brother walks into the room. Mendy likes nothing better than to tip each of the chairs until the doll falls onto the floor. For some reason he finds that absolutely hilarious. Not surprisingly, Rochel does not share in the glee. I can understand her being unhappy about it; what I donât understand is why she gets so angry about it. Itâs bad enough when she screams at him at the top of her lungs. Very often pushes him until he falls down. When I ask her why did you push him and knock him down, she says, âBecause he pushed the chairs and knocked my dolls down so I knocked him down.â So then I say to her, âwould you like it if I knocked you down onto the floor now because you knocked your brother down onto the floor?â and sheâs says no. More recently, sheâs tried to explain to me why itâs not the same thing. She tells me the she had a reason to knock him down because he knocked her dolls down for no reason but I donât have a reason to knock her down because she did have a reason for knocking him down, and all of this seems to make perfect sense to her. I keep telling her that none of this would happen if she would just stop getting so very angry at her brother for knocking her dolls off of the chairs onto the floor. I even said to her, âdid any of your dolls ever get broken, did any of their clothing ever get torn, why you make such a big deal out of it, why must you get so angry, you shouldnât get so angry!â
Whoa, as you are telling that over to me you sound a bit angry yourself. How do you sound when you say that to Rochel?
I probably sound pretty angry because Iâve been through this with her so many times and I canât seem to get anywhere.
I see. And if I were to say to you, âyou shouldnât get so angry!â how do you imagine that would be helpful for you?
Youâre right, it wouldnât be helpful to me at all. So how do I get her to stop getting so angry?
I donât know that you need to get her to stop getting so angry. I would rather you help her figure out what to say and what to do when she is that angry instead of what sheâs been doing up until now. Even though none of her dolls has been broken or torn, her pretend play has been interrupted and I can imagine that thatâs very annoying for her, especially since it sounds like it happens pretty often. Are you suggesting that Rochel have no reaction to Mendyâs disruptive behavior, that she should calmly accept his intrusions?
No. I see what you mean. Itâs not that she should not get so angry, itâs that I want her to do something different to respond when she is angry at him instead of what sheâs been doing up until now.
My conversation with his mom was now about how to help Rochel figure out how to respond to her brotherâs annoying behavior in a way that mom considers acceptable, rather than accepting annoying behavior with equanimity.
When you say to Rochel, âI understand that you become angry when Mendy knocks your dolls onto the floor, and I donât want you to push him. What could you do instead of pushing him,â what do you think Rochel will say to you?
Sheâll probably say âI donât know what else to do.â Then what?
Then say to her, âPlease think about it, and beâezras Hashem weâll talk about it some more tomorrow.â Slow down. Give her a chance to think. And make sure you sit down with her the next day to continue your conversation.
Over the course of our conversation, mom mentioned the fourth of the statements weâre discussing in this series of articles, âYou donât hate your brother.â
Thatâs a hard one, and it can be dangerous if mishandled. G-d willing next week, weâll see how.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
Last weekâs article began with four statements.
I canât let him see me cry.
You made mommy sad.
You shouldnât get so angry.
You donât hate your brother.
One of these four statements may actually be dangerous for your child. The other three are simply inaccurate. Last week we discussed the inaccuracy of the first one.
This week weâll see what is inaccurate about the second one, and what to say instead.
First, a brief digression.
Hillel taught us dâalach sni lâchavrach lo saavid, if you donât like something done to you, donât do it to someone else. (Shabbos 31a)
Hereâs what a mom said about her 3 year old daughter:
If I tell her not to do something, or
that she needs to do something she doesn't want to do, she says "You make
me sad, mama."
It really annoys me when she says that.
Some children may find it similarly annoying. Many children feel guilty, not annoyed, when told that they have made their mother sad. Whether it induces anger or guilt in your child, it clearly isnât something you want done to you, so donât do it to your child.
Now, back to the issue of inaccuracy. It may be true that something that your child said or did resulted in your feeling sad. I hope it is not true that your child made you sad, that his very being is unpleasant for you. Iâm sure you wouldnât have meant it that way but thatâs how you come across when you say âyou made me sad.â
Parents express anger towards their children more often than they express sadness. Thatâs because parents more readily express anger than sadness. Itâs also because anger is frequent.
R. Ila'i said: By three things may a person's character be determined: bâkoeso, bâkeeso, uâbkaaso. By his wine cup, by his wallet, and by his anger. Eruvin (65b)
Rashi explains that kâoeso means what he is like when he has been drinking (should we have more shidduch dates on Purim?), keeso refers to his integrity in business dealings, and kaaso means not to be insistent on more things than is appropriate (shâaino kapdan yosair miâdaiy). One musar haskale for parents is not to insist on too much; it results in anger.
The Ben Ish Chai pointed out something else. He wrote that the sequence is listed in order of less frequent to more frequent. âOn any given day you cannot tell what a person is like when heâs been drinking because on most days people donât drink all that much. You can tell what a person is like in his business dealings on any given day, but only in the daytime and not at night and not on Shabbos or Yom Tov. But anger you can observe day or night and even on Shabbos or Yom Tov.â (Ben Yehoyada)
Given that you may frequently get angry at your children it is important that you express anger appropriately. âYou made me angryâ is not appropriate.
Dr. Haim Ginott explained:
For parents, anger is a costly emotion: to be worth its price it should not be employed without profit⦠Anger should so come out that it brings some relief to the parent, some insight to the child, and no harmful side effects to either of themâ¦
Except for one safeguard, we are entitled to express what we feel. We can express our angry feelings provided we do not attack the child's personality or character.
When you say âyou made me angryâ you are attacking a childâs personality or character. Youâre telling him something about him, not what he did.
When you say instead, âI am angry that you did that,â you are expressing your emotion about what happened. That moves the focus to behavioral alternatives, and more naturally leads to a discussion of what you would rather he do next time.
Dr. Ginott didnât suggest that you never express anger. He suggested that you express it clearly and sometimes quite strongly.
He gave the following example:
When I call you for dinner and you don't come, I get angry. I get very angry. I say to myself, 'I cooked a good meal and I want some appreciation, not frustraÂtion!'
Dr. Ginott explained:
This approach allows parents to give vent to their anger without causing damage. On the contrary, it may even illustrate an important lesson in how to express anger safely. The child may learn that his own anger is not catastrophic, that it can be discharged without destroying anyone. This lesson will require more than just expression of anger by parents. It will require that parents point out to their children acceptable channels of emotional expression and demonstrate to them safe and respectable ways of liquidating anger.
[From: Ginott, Haim; Between Parent and Child: New Solutions to Old Problems; Macmillan, 1965; pages 50-52.]
I hope it is not true that your child makes you sad, that her very being is unpleasant for you.
I feel terrible saying it out loud, but my husband knows itâs true. He has much more patience and compassion for our youngest daughter than I do. I can feel myself tensing up when her school bus pulls up to bring her home. Iâll send her to school when sheâs not feeling well in a way that I would let my other children stay home; I just canât have her around all day.
Yes, Rabbi Ackerman, my wife has told me that before. Is it normal for a mother to say she canât stand having her child around?
I didnât answer his question. Iâm not sure if the thoughts and feelings his wife expressed are common enough to be considered normal. Iâm pretty sure he wouldnât be happy about his wife feeling that way even if it were common. And I was positive that her saying it out loud to her husband and me, while beginning to cry, was a sign that she wanted to learn what to do to heal her relationship with her youngest child. BâH, over many weeks, she did.
I wonât go into how we did the work we did. I will tell you that I never said to her, âYou shouldnât get so angry.â
More on that, G-d willing, next week.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
This is the last of a series of articles that began with four statements.
I canât let him see me cry.
You made mommy sad.
You shouldnât get so angry.
You donât hate your brother.
As weâve seen in the past articles, the first three statements are inaccurate.
The fourth one may be dangerous for your child.
Noted parent educator and author Elizabeth Crary wrote: Children who recognize and trust their feelings are more able to resist uncomfortable touch. You can model talking about your feelings. Avoid labeling feelings as good or bad â feelings are neither good nor bad. Avoid discounting feelings â âYou donât hate your brother,â or âYou shouldnât feel mad about a little thing like that.â
[Pick Up Your Socks...and Other Skills Growing Children Need; Parenting Press, Inc. 1990; page 106 (Teaching Personal Safety Summary Sheet)]
I have had parents tell me that they know how important it is to validate their childâs feelings. Hereâs an example:
My son Menachem told me that his brother Yoni took Menachemâs camera without his permission and left it at the playground and now itâs lost. Menachem said, âhe always takes my things no matter how many times I tell him not to, and you can make him buy me a new one, but Iâll never get back the pictures that I took while we were on vacation. I hate him!â I validated Menacheâs feelings, I said, âyou sound really angry, but Iâm sure you donât really hate your brother, now do you?â
This particular momâs version of validating her sonâs feelings was to inform him that she is aware of what he is feeling and that what heâs feeling is not appropriate. Unfortunately, many parents seem to understand validating in the same way that this mother did. Telling your child that you know how he feels and he has no right to feel that way is not validating his feelings. What youâre actually doing is expressing your displeasure and discomfort with the feelings your child just expressed. Your child is now supposed to stop feeling what he just told you he was feeling so that you wonât feel displeasure and discomfort. What you described as validating was actually discounting your childâs feelings and expecting him to validate yours.
I explained to this mom that it would be more helpful for her to think about recognizing and respecting her sonâs feelings as genuine without correcting or judging them. She was not sure she liked this idea.
So Iâm supposed to agree that Menachem should hate his brother for what happened?
No, accepting your child's feelings doesn't mean you agree with his feelings. It means that you are interested in and respectful of how he feels. When the Torah teaches us âlo tisneh es acheecha bâlvavechaâ the targum Yonasan ben Uziel translates it to mean that we shouldnât sound happy with someone while feeling hatred toward them. Rabi Yitzchak miKorvil, the SMaK, is more explicit. He wrote, âdonât hate him in your heart while showing him a pleasant countenance; make clear to him your hatred.â [MiMayanos haNetzach, Vayikra, page 78]
I thought youâre only supposed to hate someone who did an aveira and repeated it after you give him tochacha?
Yes, and you said that Menachem has repeatedly asked Yoni not to take his things without his permission. What would you prefer? Would you like Menachem to hide his feelings from you? I think itâs much healthier for him to express himself to you. If you continue to tell him that his feelings are unacceptable, it may be that heâll stop feeling that way. I think itâs far more likely that the next time he feels that way he will make sure not to tell you. Are you sure thatâs what you would prefer?
So Iâm supposed to feel okay with him hating his brother?
No. I donât expect you to be okay with his hating his brother. What I would wish you would realize is that his telling you that he hates his brother may imply that he is not okay with it either and heâs turning to you to let him speak it out so he can get past it. Let him express his anger, his frustration, his resentment, rather than being ashamed of feeling that way sometimes, which is what you do to him when you tell him that he mustnât hate his brother. Help him learn to cope with his feelings and express them appropriately.
Rivkie was having trouble coping with her feelings. She expressed herself by telling her son Menachem that he had to stop hating his brother because she couldnât stand how it made her feel. Rivkie was so caught up in how terrible it was for her to hear that Menachem hated his brother that she missed the message within his words, the message that he felt bad about hating his brother. She wasnât able to help Menachem, and ending up making him feel worse about himself so she could feel better about herself.
The danger in this entire scenario is that Menachem might learn to tolerate mistreatment rather than trusting his instincts and emotions. He might decide that telling his mother that he is angry with someone for touching him inappropriately will upset her; he isnât allowed to hate someone for causing him harm. Rather than telling his father or another trusted adult, he might internalize the message that it is bad to hate anyone, and you have to accept what you receive, even when it makes you uncomfortable.
Telling Menachem not to hate his brother for losing his camera could lead him to accept inappropriate touch? Are those in any way comparable? Perhaps for you, an adult, the violation of your property and the violation of your personal space are two very different things. For a 10 year old, they might not be.
Teach your child to listen to the messages his emotions provide to him, to share them with you, and to express himself in ways that respect himself and others.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
I am your daughter, sister, niece, cousin, friend...
I am a teenager studying in a [mainstream] High School in [city name].
I am writing this article in the first person for I feel so deeply about this issue. Watching & hearing friends, relatives, & peers struggling with some or all these feelings I felt compelled to write about it.
Have you ever walked down the street and seen a teenage boy or girl from a family that you may know dressed in an inappropriate manner? Perhaps acting in a non-frum way? Have you talked about a friend's child that went "off'?
Have you any inkling of how they ended up here?
I will try to explain.
Imagine the seventh or eighth grader who is normally unobtrusive & on the quiet side finally works up the courage to raise her hand in Navi class and asks "But if we have Bechira, how does Hashem decide everything on Rosh Hashanah?"
The teacher explodes in a fury of words telling the girl how such questions were Apikorsis and anyone asking such a question was an Apikores. The once pale student becomes redder than a crayon. She lowers her eyes and tries to ignore the snickers of her classmates wishing she were back home alone in her room.
But, her embarrassment soon turns to anger and then ferociousness at the teacher who dared to shame her in front of her class.
Not possible you say? Unfortunately, such situations are not uncommon, and the victims of these scenarios are my friends and peers. More often than not, they end up feeling wounded and worthless and these feelings frequently lead to behavioral problems.
This courageous and eloquent young woman gave me permission to share her article as I wish. I chose to omit the information about her school and her city, not only to protect her identity, but also because what she describes has happened in many schools and many cities. G-d willing, over the next few months I hope to discuss additional excerpts in which she gives poignant examples of how children and teenagers come to feel wounded and worthless. For now, let's ponder how a young woman's piercing challenge was addressed many, many years ago.
Our matriarch Rivka A'H could not understand why the pregnancy she and Yitzchak Aveinu A"H had dovened for so fervently was so painful. We might imagine that given the extraordinarily high spiritual plane on which she lived, she would have said to herself, "this is the will of G-d; I must accept it without question." But that's not what happened. Rivka did have a question. And she didn't chide herself for having a question and shamefully keep her question to herself. She trusted that if she went to a teacher, she might get an answer to her question and she surely wouldn't be harshly criticized for daring to ask.
There are many good reasons to not answer a child's question. Perhaps there isn't enough time to answer the question adequately, and to answer it incompletely might leave the child even more confused. It may be that the answer would lead to a discussion that would break the flow of the teacher's presentation. It could be that the child's question is vague. I would think that in these situations a parent, or a teacher, would say to the child that they don't have time right now to address the question adequately, or that they don't want to address that topic right now, or that they would like the child to make the question more precise. I think they would express that to the child calmly and gently.
So there must be some other reason for not answering a child's question. A reason that can trigger an explosive fury of words rendering a child embarrassed, anger and shamed. A reason that justifies leaving a child feeling wounded and worthless.
What reason, what opinion, feeling, or thought could justify causing a once pale student to become redder than a crayon. Many of us know the expression malbin pnei chaveiro, which literally translated means to cause someone's face to turn white. When someone is feeling shame, we usually see them turn red, not white. The explanation is that you notice the whiteness before and after the redness during their intense shame. Many of us know the severity of the prohibition of malbin pnei chaveiro. But what about the term chaveiro? Does this limit the prohibition to peers or superiors? What is the scope of the prohibition, to whom does it apply?
I have heard the opinion that shaming a child can be an appropriate technique of chinuch.
Rav Pam, zt'zl wrote the following (my translation of Atara LaMelech, pg. 90):
There is no more permission for parents or teachers [to cause a child to feel shame] than for anyone else, unless it is for the purpose of chinuch or musar for the good of the child. But it is far more common that the damage caused by this is greater than the benefit. [emphasis mine]
Rav Pam adds that because of the magnitude of the issue, careful deliberation and tranquility must precede a parent or teacher's words to a child.
We all want our children to think carefully before they speak, and have yishuv hadaas.
So we're back to modeling. We always are.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC, has been working with parents for over 30 years. He can be reached at 718-344-6575. Men's and women's groups now available. Call for details.
Worth It
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
Have you ever been to a psychotherapist?
I don't hear that question very often when standing around at a kiddush or sitting around at a sholom zachor. Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever heard that question in a social setting.
Here's a conversation I don't think I've ever heard:
You know, I'd been having a lot of discomfort with my daughter. It was really painful for a while so I decided to see a therapist about it and she really helped us.
That's so interesting. About a year ago I was having a lot of pain with my son, and after only eight sessions with a therapist, we're feeling a whole lot better. And my sister-in-law told me, she had the same kind of thing a few months ago, and she and her husband worked with a therapist for a few months, and she says they're still doing much better.
"Well of course," I hear you saying to yourself, "nobody talks about that kind of thing." You're right.
And we'll come back to this. But first, let's look at another hypothetical conversation.
You know, I'd been having a lot of discomfort with my left knee. It was really painful for a while so I decided see a therapist about it and she really helped me.
That's so interesting. About a year ago I was having a lot of pain in my right knee, and after only eight sessions with a therapist, I'm feeling a whole lot better. And my sister-in-law told me, she had the same kind of thing a couple of years ago, and worked with a therapist for a few months, and she says she's still doing much better.
Have you heard that conversation? I know I have.
"Yes, but that's different," I hear you saying to yourself, "you can talk about that kind of thing." You're right, again. But something's very wrong.
It's wrong for a child, and a parent, to suffer because they're ashamed and afraid to tell anyone that they're hurting. What are they ashamed of? That it's their fault? That they'll be blamed for not doing better than they did, and not knowing how to fix it? Are they afraid that it will be hard for them to learn how to do things differently?
And are you sure there is no room for shame and fear when your knee hurts? Here's one more conversation to think about:
Orthopedist: "It's a good thing you came when you did, Eli. You're only 41 and you have the knees of an 80-year-old. What have you been doing?"
Eli: "I know I should've been stretching before I played basketball all those years, and then I started putting on weight, so I got a treadmill. I read some articles that I should walk fast rather than jogging cause the jogging could hurt my knees, but I get my miles done faster if I jog, so I jog. What can you do for me, doc?"
Orthopedist: "To replace both knees is a five-hour surgery. You can expect to spend about two weeks having inpatient rehab, and then probably a few months outpatient. You're going to have some pain for a while, but in the long run you're going to be a lot more comfortable"
Eli: "Yeah, I guess it's worth it."
It sounds like Eli is ashamed that he didn't take better care of his knees, and he's probably afraid of the surgery and the lengthy rehabilitation. Yet he decided that it's worth it to overcome his shame in order to tell someone that he is hurting. Even though the surgery and recuperation are daunting, he's managing to conquer his fear because it's worth it. And six months later, standing around at the kiddush, he'll tell anybody who's listening about what he went through and how it was worth it. He's not telling it over so people will know how brave he was to overcome his shame and his fear. He is telling it so that other people will hear how it was worth it, and maybe they'll be encouraged to get that kind of help, too.
Eli, despite his embarrassment over not doing better than he did in taking care of his knees, and despite his fear of what it would take to heal them, sought help, and then told others of his experience so they can learn from it and be encouraged. Because it was worth it.
It, his knee, was worth it, because it was hurting and he wanted it to heal, and he didn't know how to heal it so he reached out for help. And then he told others so they'd be encouraged by his experience.
When a child and a parent are hurting, hurting each other and hurting inside, there may be a lot of shame, and the healing process might be lengthy and painful.
They're worth it.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC, created The Nachas Notebook ™ , and has been working with parents for over 30 years. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.
"Why?" - NOT Part 4
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
Dad, I didn't mean to knock over the Kiddush cup, and I really feel bad that mom started to cry. I just get so angry at Shloime when he makes fun of mitzvos. I know I shouldn't have pushed him but I can't stand it when he does that. I told him to stop but he just ignored me. I hate that!
This conversation is taking place in a sunny corner of the dining room on Shabbos afternoon. The other children are out playing with friends, and mom is taking a nap. While calmly sipping on their lemonade, Danny and his dad are working together to move from frustration to success, and from disappointment to nachas, respectively. Danny has been frustrated with Shloime and dad has been disappointed in Danny. Let's listen to more of their conversation.
So it really bothers you, Danny, when Shloime sings Shalom Aleichem in that silly voice. It's like he is making fun of the mitzvah. You really wish he would sing it in a more respectful way.
At this point, dad waited to hear what Danny had to say. Dad did not tell Danny that singing Shalom Aleichem isn't really a mitzvah, and he didn't explain to Danny that since Shloime is very young we have to be more tolerant of him. Dad didn't tell Danny anything, he just made it clear to that him that he was listening carefully to what Danny was saying. Then dad sat quietly, patiently waiting while Danny thought about what he wanted to say next. Thirty seconds feels like a very long time when you're sitting silently, respectfully allowing someone to gather their thoughts. When Danny finally spoke, dad knew it had been worth the wait.
I guess I shouldn't get that upset with him, he's a little kid. I understand that we're singing Shalom Aleichem to greet the Shabbos malachim, but for him it's just another song. You know what dad; I'm going to cut him a lot more slack. I'm really going to try to focus on what Shalom Aleichem means to me, and then I won't even notice how he's singing it. And dad…this was a really good conversation, thanks for helping me figure this out!
Dad really did help Danny figure it out. Dad gave Danny two vital tools with which to work on his problem: time and confidence. Dad provided Danny some quiet, relaxed time with no interruptions and no distractions, enhanced by dad's patient, soothing presence. Then, dad listened, acknowledged what he heard, and waited quietly while Danny pondered his dilemma. Dad was silent. Danny heard him loud and clear, and his confidence grew as he realized that his father trusted him to analyze his problem and identify solutions rather than needing to be told what to do.
The mishna in Avos says, al t'hi dan yechidi, usually translated as, "don't judge a case by yourself." The ben Ish Chai writes that this also means when you see or hear something, don't assume that your first interpretation is the only possible one. Think about what else it could mean, what else could be happening. If you aren't able to judge someone else's behavior in a favorable light, don't assume there isn't one. Ask them, "what did you mean by that," in a curious tone of voice, rather than, "why did you do that," spoken critically.
Dad invited Danny to think about Shloime's behavior, and Danny was able, on his own, with dad's support, to think about Shloime's behavior in a more favorable way.
It was a typical Friday night seudah, yet better in a way. Baila asked her father to sing Shalom Aleichem slowly so she could keep up. Devoiry whined that it's going to be boring, he should sing it fast. Shloime started to sing it in a silly voice. Danny didn't tell him to stop. He smiled at his little brother, knowing that someday he too would understand how special it is to welcome the Shabbos melachim to their home.
I have never identified Danny's age. That's because I have found that young children, adolescents, and teenagers, given the opportunity, come up with wonderful ideas and solutions. One mom told me she was stunned when she presented her 3 year old daughter with a dilemma, and her child came up with an idea that worked really well. Give your child a chance. He'll appreciate your confidence in him, and you'll enjoy the nachas.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC, is the Director of Parent Mentoring for Agudath Israel's Project YES. He has worked with hundreds of parents from around the world.
He also works with educators in 18 schools offering guidance on how to connect with children.
Rabbi Ackerman has a private practice specializing in family, couples, parenting, and pre-marital counseling, and can be reached at 718-344-6575.
"Why?" - NOT Part 4
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
Dad, I didn't mean to knock over the Kiddush cup, and I really feel bad that mom started to cry. I just get so angry at Shloime when he makes fun of mitzvos. I know I shouldn't have pushed him but I can't stand it when he does that. I told him to stop but he just ignored me. I hate that!
This conversation is taking place in a sunny corner of the dining room on Shabbos afternoon. The other children are out playing with friends, and mom is taking a nap. While calmly sipping on their lemonade, Danny and his dad are working together to move from frustration to success, and from disappointment to nachas, respectively. Danny has been frustrated with Shloime and dad has been disappointed in Danny. Let's listen to more of their conversation.
So it really bothers you, Danny, when Shloime sings Shalom Aleichem in that silly voice. It's like he is making fun of the mitzvah. You really wish he would sing it in a more respectful way.
At this point, dad waited to hear what Danny had to say. Dad did not tell Danny that singing Shalom Aleichem isn't really a mitzvah, and he didn't explain to Danny that since Shloime is very young we have to be more tolerant of him. Dad didn't tell Danny anything, he just made it clear to that him that he was listening carefully to what Danny was saying. Then dad sat quietly, patiently waiting while Danny thought about what he wanted to say next. Thirty seconds feels like a very long time when you're sitting silently, respectfully allowing someone to gather their thoughts. When Danny finally spoke, dad knew it had been worth the wait.
I guess I shouldn't get that upset with him, he's a little kid. I understand that we're singing Shalom Aleichem to greet the Shabbos malachim, but for him it's just another song. You know what dad; I'm going to cut him a lot more slack. I'm really going to try to focus on what Shalom Aleichem means to me, and then I won't even notice how he's singing it. And dad…this was a really good conversation, thanks for helping me figure this out!
Dad really did help Danny figure it out. Dad gave Danny two vital tools with which to work on his problem: time and confidence. Dad provided Danny some quiet, relaxed time with no interruptions and no distractions, enhanced by dad's patient, soothing presence. Then, dad listened, acknowledged what he heard, and waited quietly while Danny pondered his dilemma. Dad was silent. Danny heard him loud and clear, and his confidence grew as he realized that his father trusted him to analyze his problem and identify solutions rather than needing to be told what to do.
The mishna in Avos says, al t'hi dan yechidi, usually translated as, "don't judge a case by yourself." The ben Ish Chai writes that this also means when you see or hear something, don't assume that your first interpretation is the only possible one. Think about what else it could mean, what else could be happening. If you aren't able to judge someone else's behavior in a favorable light, don't assume there isn't one. Ask them, "what did you mean by that," in a curious tone of voice, rather than, "why did you do that," spoken critically.
Dad invited Danny to think about Shloime's behavior, and Danny was able, on his own, with dad's support, to think about Shloime's behavior in a more favorable way.
It was a typical Friday night seudah, yet better in a way. Baila asked her father to sing Shalom Aleichem slowly so she could keep up. Devoiry whined that it's going to be boring, he should sing it fast. Shloime started to sing it in a silly voice. Danny didn't tell him to stop. He smiled at his little brother, knowing that someday he too would understand how special it is to welcome the Shabbos melachim to their home.
I have never identified Danny's age. That's because I have found that young children, adolescents, and teenagers, given the opportunity, come up with wonderful ideas and solutions. One mom told me she was stunned when she presented her 3 year old daughter with a dilemma, and her child came up with an idea that worked really well. Give your child a chance. He'll appreciate your confidence in him, and you'll enjoy the nachas.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC, is the Director of Parent Mentoring for Agudath Israel's Project YES. He has worked with hundreds of parents from around the world.
He also works with educators in 18 schools offering guidance on how to connect with children.
Rabbi Ackerman has a private practice specializing in family, couples, parenting, and pre-marital counseling, and can be reached at 718-344-6575.
"Why?" - NOT Part 3
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
Shloime started to sing Shalom Aleichem in a silly voice and Danny told him to stop, but he didn't, so Danny pushed him and he fell back into the table, knocking over the Kiddush cup that had just been filled with wine.
Dad knows what NOT to do at this point. He knows not to ask Danny why he pushed his brother. First of all dad already knows why Danny pushed his brother; he pushed him because he was upset with him. Secondly, dad knows that there is no acceptable answer to the question, "why did you do that?" It would not be at all helpful to ask Danny why he did what he did.
Interestingly, dad and Danny share the exact same predicament. They're both trying to address something they don't like, they both know what not to do or say, and they both don't know what to do or say instead! Children very often repeat behaviors that parents don't like, even after they've been told not to do it again. Sometimes, this is because they don't know what else to do, and it's very difficult to do nothing. Every Shabbos morning we say the posuk, sur mai'ra v'asaih tov, "turn from evil and do good." I believe this implies that the way to turn from evil in a lasting way is to do something else that is good. That's because if you just turn from evil and you don't replace it, sooner or later you'll probably end up there again.
The role of a parent is to discipline children. The word "discipline" is derived from the Latin discipere - to grasp intellectually, analyze thoroughly. So the primary role of a parent is not to make children turn from evil by punishing them. That might make them turn from evil but it doesn't analyze what is drawing them to the evil and it doesn't help them grasp intellectually what to do instead the next time they are drawn to it. So they return to it, they make the same mistake again, or apologize again, and perhaps get punished the same way again. That's what's been happening to Danny, and both he and dad would like to stop going around this circle.
Let's see how to help dad to break out of the vicious cycle of punishing Danny for inappropriate behavior only to have Danny repeat the same behavior again. Then we'll see how dad can help Danny with Danny's frustration over Shloime's behaviors. The goal here is to reverse the direction and nature of the flow. Danny becomes frustrated and annoyed when Shloime refuses to stop singing his silly song. Then dad becomes frustrated and annoyed with Danny for pushing Shloime. It's a flow of frustration and annoyance proceeding from Shloime through Danny to dad. In order to reverse the flow and the tone, dad will slow down long enough to analyze the situation, and use his intelligence to identify an asiah tov, a better alternative for himself when he is does not like what Danny did, rather than asking "why did you do it." In this case, the analysis is that Danny probably doesn't know what else to do. The obvious alternative is to use dad's intelligence to figure out what Danny should do instead. But I have a better one.
I would prefer that dad present his analysis to Danny, and invite Danny to use his intelligence to come up with an alternative that is acceptable to dad. I am often impressed with the ideas that children come up with, and they are more likely to be invested in an idea that was their own.
Remember, this conversation is taking place when both dad and Danny are calm.
Here's what it sounds like:
Danny, you seemed really upset with Shloime when he was singing that silly way and you asked him not to and he kept on doing it. What could you do next time you're upset with him for singing that way, instead of pushing him?
I don't know.
Yes, I hear you asking me, so what did we accomplish, that's the answer we got when we asked "why did you do that."
There is a very big difference. This time, Danny does not have any answers to dad's question, but given time, he'll probably come up with some. Instead of racing around the same circle and going nowhere, when dad and Danny slow down and listen to each other, they will eventually get much further. What does dad do in the meantime? IYH we'll explore that in our next article.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC, is the Director of Parent Mentoring for Agudath Israel's Project YES. He has worked with hundreds of parents from around the world.
He also works with educators in 18 schools offering guidance on how to connect with children.
Rabbi Ackerman has a private practice specializing in family, couples, parenting, and pre-marital counseling, and can be reached at 718-344-6575.
"Why?" - NOT Part 3
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
Shloime started to sing Shalom Aleichem in a silly voice and Danny told him to stop, but he didn't, so Danny pushed him and he fell back into the table, knocking over the Kiddush cup that had just been filled with wine.
Dad knows what NOT to do at this point. He knows not to ask Danny why he pushed his brother. First of all dad already knows why Danny pushed his brother; he pushed him because he was upset with him. Secondly, dad knows that there is no acceptable answer to the question, "why did you do that?" It would not be at all helpful to ask Danny why he did what he did.
Interestingly, dad and Danny share the exact same predicament. They're both trying to address something they don't like, they both know what not to do or say, and they both don't know what to do or say instead! Children very often repeat behaviors that parents don't like, even after they've been told not to do it again. Sometimes, this is because they don't know what else to do, and it's very difficult to do nothing. Every Shabbos morning we say the posuk, sur mai'ra v'asaih tov, "turn from evil and do good." I believe this implies that the way to turn from evil in a lasting way is to do something else that is good. That's because if you just turn from evil and you don't replace it, sooner or later you'll probably end up there again.
The role of a parent is to discipline children. The word "discipline" is derived from the Latin discipere - to grasp intellectually, analyze thoroughly. So the primary role of a parent is not to make children turn from evil by punishing them. That might make them turn from evil but it doesn't analyze what is drawing them to the evil and it doesn't help them grasp intellectually what to do instead the next time they are drawn to it. So they return to it, they make the same mistake again, or apologize again, and perhaps get punished the same way again. That's what's been happening to Danny, and both he and dad would like to stop going around this circle.
Let's see how to help dad to break out of the vicious cycle of punishing Danny for inappropriate behavior only to have Danny repeat the same behavior again. Then we'll see how dad can help Danny with Danny's frustration over Shloime's behaviors. The goal here is to reverse the direction and nature of the flow. Danny becomes frustrated and annoyed when Shloime refuses to stop singing his silly song. Then dad becomes frustrated and annoyed with Danny for pushing Shloime. It's a flow of frustration and annoyance proceeding from Shloime through Danny to dad. In order to reverse the flow and the tone, dad will slow down long enough to analyze the situation, and use his intelligence to identify an asiah tov, a better alternative for himself when he is does not like what Danny did, rather than asking "why did you do it." In this case, the analysis is that Danny probably doesn't know what else to do. The obvious alternative is to use dad's intelligence to figure out what Danny should do instead. But I have a better one.
I would prefer that dad present his analysis to Danny, and invite Danny to use his intelligence to come up with an alternative that is acceptable to dad. I am often impressed with the ideas that children come up with, and they are more likely to be invested in an idea that was their own.
Remember, this conversation is taking place when both dad and Danny are calm.
Here's what it sounds like:
Danny, you seemed really upset with Shloime when he was singing that silly way and you asked him not to and he kept on doing it. What could you do next time you're upset with him for singing that way, instead of pushing him?
I don't know.
Yes, I hear you asking me, so what did we accomplish, that's the answer we got when we asked "why did you do that."
There is a very big difference. This time, Danny does not have any answers to dad's question, but given time, he'll probably come up with some. Instead of racing around the same circle and going nowhere, when dad and Danny slow down and listen to each other, they will eventually get much further. What does dad do in the meantime? IYH we'll explore that in our next article.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC, is the Director of Parent Mentoring for Agudath Israel's Project YES. He has worked with hundreds of parents from around the world.
He also works with educators in 18 schools offering guidance on how to connect with children.
Rabbi Ackerman has a private practice specializing in family, couples, parenting, and pre-marital counseling, and can be reached at 718-344-6575.
"Why?" - NOT Part 2
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
It was an all too typical Friday night seudah. Baila asked her father to sing Shalom Aleichem slowly so she could keep up. Devoiry whined that it's going to be boring, he should sing it fast. Shloime started to sing it in a silly voice and Danny told him to stop, but he didn't so Danny pushed him and he fell back into the table, knocking over the Kiddush cup that had just been filled with wine. Mom went to get napkins while fighting back tears. Dad asked Danny a question he'd asked many times before, and he got the same answer.
Danny, why did you do that?
I don't know.
First, let's analyze this futile exchange. Then we'll explore the veracity of Danny's answer, and finally, with the help of a mishna in Pirkei Avos, help dad to identify a different question that will get both of them a better outcome next time around.
Dad asked Danny a "why" question. Why questions seldom lead to good conversations, because they put the recipient of the question on the defensive. When you ask someone why they did something, they are expected to justify what they did. That works out fine if the questioner is curious about the justification and the recipient of the question has one. For example, "why did you just drive the car across the street?" "Because of alternate side of the street parking tomorrow." "Oh, okay."
It doesn't work that well when dad asks Danny "why did you do that?" Think about it. What is the answer that Danny can say to his father, to which his father would reply, "oh, okay." Don't think about it too long. There is nothing that Danny can say to his father in response to the question "why did you do that" that dad will consider acceptable. That's the futility of the exchange.
What do I mean by "the veracity of Danny's answer?" Danny's answer is truthful. Danny is not saying that he does not know why he pushed Shloime. In fact, not only does Danny know why he pushed Shloime, dad also knows why he pushed Shloime, which is the second problem with dad's question. Not only is there no acceptable answer; dad already knows the answer: Danny pushed Shloime because he was upset with him! But that's not acceptable. Therefore, Danny truthfully said, "I don't know," meaning, "I don't know what to say to you that you will find acceptable." What else does dad wish he would have said?
Does dad wish Danny would say, "I'm sorry, I should not have pushed him?" I guess that dad might be content with that once or twice, but I suspect after a while dad won't want to hear that either. At that point, Danny will still be getting upset with Shloime, and dad will still be annoyed with Danny and we are all ready for some help from the mishna.
Al tirazeh es chaveracha b'shas kaasoh. "Do not attempt to soothe someone when they are angry." The Tiferes Yisroel says that this applies not only to anger but to any intense emotional experience, and he writes that attempting to help someone too soon not only will not help but will make things worse. However, the pasuk says, panay yaleichu v'hanichosi lach, "when my anger subsides I will help you," implying that while we can't help someone when they and we are very upset, we should seek to help them when we've all calmed down.
Here's how the mishna would apply in our situation. The next time that Danny pushes Shloime, dad would realize that both he and Danny are now upset about something, and therefore this is not the time to work on it. Dad takes a deep breath, reminds himself that no one is in any danger, and says to Danny, "I would like to speak with you, IYH, Shabbos afternoon." It would be even better if dad could make a specific time and place to have this conversation with no one else around and no other topics. In other words this conversation is about what Danny can do when he is upset with Shloime, and not about cooperating with clearing the table or hanging up his dovening jacket or anything else. No gilgul shavua, just one topic at a time.
During this conversation, rather than lecturing, explaining, or correcting, dad will ask a different question that will get both of them a better outcome next time around.
IYH in a future article we will discuss how to formulate and express that question.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC, is the Director of Parenting Mentor for Agudath Israel's Project YES. He has worked with hundreds of parents from around the world.
He also works with educators in 18 schools offering guidance on how to connect with children.
Rabbi Ackerman has a private practice specializing in family, couples, parenting, and pre-marital counseling, and can be reached at 718-344-6575.
"Why?" - NOT Part 2
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
It was an all too typical Friday night seudah. Baila asked her father to sing Shalom Aleichem slowly so she could keep up. Devoiry whined that it's going to be boring, he should sing it fast. Shloime started to sing it in a silly voice and Danny told him to stop, but he didn't so Danny pushed him and he fell back into the table, knocking over the Kiddush cup that had just been filled with wine. Mom went to get napkins while fighting back tears. Dad asked Danny a question he'd asked many times before, and he got the same answer.
Danny, why did you do that?
I don't know.
First, let's analyze this futile exchange. Then we'll explore the veracity of Danny's answer, and finally, with the help of a mishna in Pirkei Avos, help dad to identify a different question that will get both of them a better outcome next time around.
Dad asked Danny a "why" question. Why questions seldom lead to good conversations, because they put the recipient of the question on the defensive. When you ask someone why they did something, they are expected to justify what they did. That works out fine if the questioner is curious about the justification and the recipient of the question has one. For example, "why did you just drive the car across the street?" "Because of alternate side of the street parking tomorrow." "Oh, okay."
It doesn't work that well when dad asks Danny "why did you do that?" Think about it. What is the answer that Danny can say to his father, to which his father would reply, "oh, okay." Don't think about it too long. There is nothing that Danny can say to his father in response to the question "why did you do that" that dad will consider acceptable. That's the futility of the exchange.
What do I mean by "the veracity of Danny's answer?" Danny's answer is truthful. Danny is not saying that he does not know why he pushed Shloime. In fact, not only does Danny know why he pushed Shloime, dad also knows why he pushed Shloime, which is the second problem with dad's question. Not only is there no acceptable answer; dad already knows the answer: Danny pushed Shloime because he was upset with him! But that's not acceptable. Therefore, Danny truthfully said, "I don't know," meaning, "I don't know what to say to you that you will find acceptable." What else does dad wish he would have said?
Does dad wish Danny would say, "I'm sorry, I should not have pushed him?" I guess that dad might be content with that once or twice, but I suspect after a while dad won't want to hear that either. At that point, Danny will still be getting upset with Shloime, and dad will still be annoyed with Danny and we are all ready for some help from the mishna.
Al tirazeh es chaveracha b'shas kaasoh. "Do not attempt to soothe someone when they are angry." The Tiferes Yisroel says that this applies not only to anger but to any intense emotional experience, and he writes that attempting to help someone too soon not only will not help but will make things worse. However, the pasuk says, panay yaleichu v'hanichosi lach, "when my anger subsides I will help you," implying that while we can't help someone when they and we are very upset, we should seek to help them when we've all calmed down.
Here's how the mishna would apply in our situation. The next time that Danny pushes Shloime, dad would realize that both he and Danny are now upset about something, and therefore this is not the time to work on it. Dad takes a deep breath, reminds himself that no one is in any danger, and says to Danny, "I would like to speak with you, IYH, Shabbos afternoon." It would be even better if dad could make a specific time and place to have this conversation with no one else around and no other topics. In other words this conversation is about what Danny can do when he is upset with Shloime, and not about cooperating with clearing the table or hanging up his dovening jacket or anything else. No gilgul shavua, just one topic at a time.
During this conversation, rather than lecturing, explaining, or correcting, dad will ask a different question that will get both of them a better outcome next time around.
IYH in a future article we will discuss how to formulate and express that question.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC, is the Director of Parenting Mentor for Agudath Israel's Project YES. He has worked with hundreds of parents from around the world.
He also works with educators in 18 schools offering guidance on how to connect with children.
Rabbi Ackerman has a private practice specializing in family, couples, parenting, and pre-marital counseling, and can be reached at 718-344-6575.
"Why?" - NOT Part 1
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
As Pesach approaches, I am reminded of the perhaps apocryphal but nonetheless amusing story of the knighting ceremony for Sir Moses Montefiore. When Queen Victoria touched the sword to his shoulder and dubbed him "Sir Moses," the expected Latin response escaped his mind. Panic stricken, he blurted out, "mah nishtana ha-layla hazeh mikal ha-lailos." The puzzled Queen turned to her aide and asked, "why is this knight different from all the others?"
I guess we shouldn't be surprised that Queen Victoria translated the Hebrew sentence the way that she did. Many of us were taught to translate it this same way. I'm not sure this is an accurate translation. I am sure it can be a problematic one.
Mah tovu oholecha Yaakov clearly does not mean, "why are your tents good, Yaakov?" In fact, it isn't a question at all, it's a statement of observation: how wonderful are your tents, Yaakov! It would appear more accurate, therefore, to also translate the famous expression "mah nishtana" as a statement of observation: how different this night is from all other nights!
The following so-called "four questions" are actually the observations that explain the exclamation, "how different this night is!" In fact, the Hebrew/Yiddish term for these examples is not "the 4 shailos," or "questions." They are called "the 4 kashyos," four things that are unusual or difficult to understand.
That's why I believe the translation "why is this night different" is not as accurate. But even if it isn't as accurate, what's the problem? Is there any harm in translating it this way?
On all other nights, maybe not. But the Pesach seder is the quintessential chinuch opportunity and it's important that we do it right. Everything about the Pesach seder informs parents how to teach our children. Let's look at three fundamental lessons that the Seder teaches us about how to teach our children.
1. Teach by example. The Rambam tells us that we have to show ourselves that we were freed from bondage. We do this by all of the behaviors we engage in the course of the Seder, and we invite our children to join us in what we are doing, rather than telling them what they should do.
2. Make sure that expectations are concrete, and celebrate success. We drink specific amounts of wine, and eat specific amounts of matzo and maror. Then, knowing that we have succeeded because we knew what the expectations were, we celebrate our success with chasal siddur pesach.
3. Talk about the elephant in the living room. When things are different, invite children to express their surprise rather than hoping they won't notice, or saying to them, "because I said so." Teach children how to express themselves appropriately when they don't understand something.
Which brings us to my problem with the word "why." When a child looks at the anomalies of the Seder night and says, "why are you doing all this?" the haggada labels him the rasha. That's because the word "why" demands explanation and justification and puts the recipient on the defensive. While it is clearly inappropriate for a child to put a parent on the defensive, it is seldom helpful for a parent to put a child on the defensive. When instead, a child expresses puzzlement at the unusual foods and format of the Seder, and asks for additional information to help him or her understand it, chinuch begins, and you teach him everything right through the laws of the afikomen.
Similarly, when a child disappoints us, it is seldom helpful to ask the child why he or she did what they did. Often, their answer is, "I don't know." G-d willing, in a future article, we will explore what they really mean by that answer, and how to avoid getting it.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC, is the Director of Parenting Mentor for Agudath Israel's Project YES. He has worked with hundreds of parents from around the world.
He also works with educators in 18 schools offering guidance on how to connect with children.
Rabbi Ackerman has a private practice specializing in family, couples, parenting, and pre-marital counseling, and can be reached at 718-344-6575.
"Why?" - NOT Part 1
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
As Pesach approaches, I am reminded of the perhaps apocryphal but nonetheless amusing story of the knighting ceremony for Sir Moses Montefiore. When Queen Victoria touched the sword to his shoulder and dubbed him "Sir Moses," the expected Latin response escaped his mind. Panic stricken, he blurted out, "mah nishtana ha-layla hazeh mikal ha-lailos." The puzzled Queen turned to her aide and asked, "why is this knight different from all the others?"
I guess we shouldn't be surprised that Queen Victoria translated the Hebrew sentence the way that she did. Many of us were taught to translate it this same way. I'm not sure this is an accurate translation. I am sure it can be a problematic one.
Mah tovu oholecha Yaakov clearly does not mean, "why are your tents good, Yaakov?" In fact, it isn't a question at all, it's a statement of observation: how wonderful are your tents, Yaakov! It would appear more accurate, therefore, to also translate the famous expression "mah nishtana" as a statement of observation: how different this night is from all other nights!
The following so-called "four questions" are actually the observations that explain the exclamation, "how different this night is!" In fact, the Hebrew/Yiddish term for these examples is not "the 4 shailos," or "questions." They are called "the 4 kashyos," four things that are unusual or difficult to understand.
That's why I believe the translation "why is this night different" is not as accurate. But even if it isn't as accurate, what's the problem? Is there any harm in translating it this way?
On all other nights, maybe not. But the Pesach seder is the quintessential chinuch opportunity and it's important that we do it right. Everything about the Pesach seder informs parents how to teach our children. Let's look at three fundamental lessons that the Seder teaches us about how to teach our children.
1. Teach by example. The Rambam tells us that we have to show ourselves that we were freed from bondage. We do this by all of the behaviors we engage in the course of the Seder, and we invite our children to join us in what we are doing, rather than telling them what they should do.
2. Make sure that expectations are concrete, and celebrate success. We drink specific amounts of wine, and eat specific amounts of matzo and maror. Then, knowing that we have succeeded because we knew what the expectations were, we celebrate our success with chasal siddur pesach.
3. Talk about the elephant in the living room. When things are different, invite children to express their surprise rather than hoping they won't notice, or saying to them, "because I said so." Teach children how to express themselves appropriately when they don't understand something.
Which brings us to my problem with the word "why." When a child looks at the anomalies of the Seder night and says, "why are you doing all this?" the haggada labels him the rasha. That's because the word "why" demands explanation and justification and puts the recipient on the defensive. While it is clearly inappropriate for a child to put a parent on the defensive, it is seldom helpful for a parent to put a child on the defensive. When instead, a child expresses puzzlement at the unusual foods and format of the Seder, and asks for additional information to help him or her understand it, chinuch begins, and you teach him everything right through the laws of the afikomen.
Similarly, when a child disappoints us, it is seldom helpful to ask the child why he or she did what they did. Often, their answer is, "I don't know." G-d willing, in a future article, we will explore what they really mean by that answer, and how to avoid getting it.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC, is the Director of Parenting Mentor for Agudath Israel's Project YES. He has worked with hundreds of parents from around the world.
He also works with educators in 18 schools offering guidance on how to connect with children.
Rabbi Ackerman has a private practice specializing in family, couples, parenting, and pre-marital counseling, and can be reached at 718-344-6575.
