Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

February 16th, 2020

Have you ever been awakened in the middle of the night by a small human being whispering directly into your ear, “DAD.”  I did, over 40 years ago, and I’ll never forget it! Have you ever seen and heard food hurtling across a fifteen foot room from the mouth of a sick child? Have you ever felt absolutely helpless to help another person who is intensely upset and you have no idea why? Have you ever seen fantastic creatures an …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

February 9th, 2020

Some years ago, a couple came to meet with me.  They sat down and introduced themselves.  I asked them what they would like to talk about.  The husband smiled and said, “I am a baal kaas [an angry person].”  His wife nodded. I asked, “What makes you think so?” He gave me an example.  He said that when he is behind a car at a red light, when the light turns green he blows his horn loud and long if t …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

February 2nd, 2020

If an emotion is written all over someone's face, it is clear to you what they are feeling. Or is it. And Yosef came to them in the morning and he saw them and they were zoe-afim. And he asked…why are your faces ra-im today? (Braishis 40:6-7) Rashi writes that zoe-afim means atzavim, as in “angry and enraged,” “I will bear the anger of Hashem.”  (citing M’lachim I 20:43 and Michah 7:9) We sometimes descri …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

January 26th, 2020

When your child was in the cradle, you spent a lot of time with her.  She would call out to you and no matter what you were doing, you put everything else aside to spend time with her when she wanted you.  You knew how much you meant to her and you were there for her. Sadly, as infants grow into children and children into teenagers, many parents think they don’t mean that much to their children or teens any more.  That is a m …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

January 16th, 2020

The following story is fictitious and realistic. Many couples come to me to discuss their children. Grifa and Katima Kohl came to me to talk about their parents.  They said that whenever either set of their children’s grandparents comes for Shabbos, the household gets heated and stirred up.  I asked the Kohls to give me an example of how their home goes into turmoil when grandparents are there for Shabbos. For some reason, my pare …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

January 12th, 2020

The weed of crime bears bitter fruit; crime does not pay. Who knew? Actually, there’s not a shadow of a doubt that for many people crime does pay.  That’s why there are so many crimes committed, because most of the time, crime pays.  The perpetrator gets away with it. What are the odds of getting caught?  According to the FBI, not very high. Let’s look at the numbers. In 2017, violent crime resulted in an arrest 4 …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

January 6th, 2020

What do you really mean when you say: It doesn’t matter? "l had really wanted to go to the vort tonight, but if you really need me to stay home l will; it doesn't matter." "l had really wanted to go to the shiur tonight, but if you really need me to stay home I will; it doesn't matter." "l had really wanted to go to the Tehilim group tonight, but if you need me to stay home I will; it doesn't matter." What is the "it" that doesn't matter? I …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

December 31st, 2019

Mechanics work on cars made on an assembly line.  Those cars are made to specification and each one must meet those specifications precisely. This has been the case since December 1, 1913, the day mass production began at the Ford Motor Company.  It is still how cars are made today, but the way mechanics work on those cars has changed dramatically over recent decades. In 1969 I got my first car, a 1965 Buick.  It had amenities you …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

December 23rd, 2019

I once spoke to a group of parents at a girls’ school in the city.  I gave the menaheles a few topics from which to choose.  She chose “Dreading Bedtime.” I think that another topic could have “Dreading Reveille: Marshalling Your Young Troops Every Morning.” This is such a common topic that it has its own song, "Oh! How I Hate to Get Up in the Morning," written by Irving Berlin back in 1918!  This issu …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

December 1st, 2019

Rabba, before opening [his shiur] to the Rabbanan, used to say something amusing and the scholars were amused. (Shabbos 30b) Did you ever wonder what sorts of things Rabba said? Perhaps, “How many Tzadukim does it take to change a light bulb?”* I guess we’ll never know what humorous thoughts Rabba shared. It may seem that the earliest example of humor is found in Parshas Lech L’chah, when HaShem tells Avraham Aveinu to nam …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

November 24th, 2019

Migraine headaches are a scourge for many people.  A migraine can cause severe throbbing pain so severe that it interferes with the sufferer’s daily activities. There is now available a medication that claims to cut the number of monthly migraine days in half for some patients.  The list price of this medication is $575 per month.  Sadly, as of now, there is no known way to eliminate migraines. High among the list of pain ind …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

November 18th, 2019

Some parents think that devices are the bane of their existence and the source of most of the pain of parenting, tzar gidul banim. Then how do you understand this excerpt from Tefilah Zaka: Hinei k’var la’kinu b’shibud malchius, v’yisurin sh’baguf, oh anius, v’tzar gidul banim, u’shaar machovim.  Behold, You have already stricken us with foreign rule, with physical afflictions, or poverty, and the pa …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

November 18th, 2019

Why do children misbehave?  For the same reasons that adults do. End of article.  Have a nice day. Okay, I’ll elaborate. Children misbehave either because they don’t know what you would consider “behaving,” or because they aren’t able to do what you consider “behaving,” or because they would rather do something you call “misbehaving,” or because they want to defy you. Does any of tha …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

November 3rd, 2019

Chanoch l’naar al pi darko, gam ki yazkin lo yasur mimenu” – Train the youth according to his way, so that even when he ages he will not deviate from it. (Mishlei 22:6) That is one of the ways to translate and understand this pasuk in Mishlei.  It means that once you have trained a child in a certain way he or she will maintain that way throughout his or her entire life.  The catch is “a certain way.”  …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

October 13th, 2019

In 1974, I was in graduate school.  I had voluminous amounts of material to memorize and I was struggling.  Then, Hashgacha Pratis brought about the publication of a book that changed my life over the long term and got me through graduate school in the short term: The Memory Book by Harry Lorayne and Jerry Lucas.  Yes, that is the Jerry Lucas who played for the Knicks.  After retirement, he co-authored The Memory Book which so …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

October 6th, 2019

We’re all familiar with the NYPD motto, “Courtesy, Professionalism, Respect.”  That should be the motto of every educator and parent every time they speak with a child. It is our motto as yidden all day every day towards everyone, isn’t it?  Doesn’t derech eretz kadma l’Torah mean exactly that? What does it mean to speak to everyone with courtesy, professionalism, and respect?  What would you so …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

October 2nd, 2019

In Parshas Ki Savo (Devarim 27:15-26), the Torah records the curses pronounced by the Kohanim and the Leviim while facing Har Eival.  Rashi (27:12) says that each of the k’lolos was preceded by a corresponding bracha, and Rashi at the beginning of Parshas Re-eh (11:26) says these brachos were alluded to in the words re-eh anochi nosain lifnaichem hayom bracha u’klola. The question remains.  Why did the Torah enumerate the k& …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

September 23rd, 2019

Remember back when you were dating?  You spent a lot of pleasant time wining and dining out, although the “wining” part consisted of diet cola. Then you got married and the wining and dining continued but the setting shifted to your home. In the next stage, when your baby began to feed herself, wining and dining was suspended and replaced with you trying to eat while repeatedly refilling your baby’s fork or spoon, or just p …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

September 10th, 2019

I’ve heard people say that you are not allowed to question Hashem. I never understood that. When Hashem told Avraham Aveinu that Hashem was planning to destroy Sodom and its neighboring cities, Avraham asked Hashem a series of questions. When Hashem make the sivlos Mitzraim even worse after Moshe Rabeinu’s first encounter with Pharoah, Moshe asked questions of Hashem. I understand that we are not on the darga of Avraham or Moshe, but …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

September 1st, 2019

These song lyrics from 1975 resonated with me: To those of us who knew the pain…
And those whose names were never called
When choosing sides for basketball. They described my life from ten years earlier. Never being chosen for basketball, baseball, or anything else, was painful for me but I wouldn’t consider it being bullied. Being punched in the gut while on line at the lunchroom, being mocked, being called names, being …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

August 19th, 2019

We’ve all heard the expression, “Think Outside of the Box.”  Have you ever wondered what box this refers to? The primordial box was not metaphorical. It was a specific box in the form of a two-dimensional square. “Sam Loyd's Cyclopedia of 5000 Puzzles, Tricks, and Conundrums (With Answers)” originally published in 1914, includes (it’s still in print!) a puzzle known as the 'Nine Dots Puzzle' which was pose …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

August 19th, 2019

Do you know how long ago there was a technology upgrade in my school? It was in 1962!  Our blackboard and white chalk had a tech upgrade to greenboard and yellow chalk.  Conventional wisdom says that happened when it was discovered that yellow on green is easier to read than white on black.  Apparently the makers of highway entrance and exit signs agree.  Interestingly, an article in the October 2016 issue of The Atlantic sugg …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

July 21st, 2019

I’ve read that when you are angry at your child you should take a deep breath and count to ten before you say anything.  Every time I’m about to tell my child what she did wrong, I stop, take a deep breath, and count to ten.  After I’ve done all that, I say the exact same thing in the same angry voice that I was going to say to begin with.  What’s the point of breathing and counting when I end up the same, R …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

June 16th, 2019

I recently received a phone call from a friend.  She began by saying “this is a nachas call.” Since all of my children and grandchildren live in New York and my friend lives in Israel I was puzzled.  How could she be calling me with a nachas call when she hasn’t seen any of my family in over a year? She proceeded to explain the nachas.  It was about me and my book. My friend said she had given a copy of my book to …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

June 16th, 2019

Most parents are very careful when choosing a cheder, Yeshiva, Bais Yaakov, or Bais HaMedrash for their each of their children, al pi darcho.  They want to see and experience the saviva, the atmosphere created in the classroom, the nature and personality of the Rebbe or Morah, and the overall hashkafa of the school.  Ideally, they observe the instructor in action, how he or she presents material and their demeanor towards their students …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

September 13th, 2018

It was only the second generation of mankind, and already murder was introduced into the world.  In the aftermath of a stunning act of fratricide, Kaayin is condemned to wander the earth in isolation (Na v’Nad: Na to wander and Nad to be isolated, shunned. See Rav Hirsch on Braishis 4:12).  But the Torah is terse in its description of the aftermath, and questions arise. Kaayin responds by saying “great is my sin to bear.&rdq …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

April 16th, 2018

Kids are not the ones who necessarily need to sit down with a therapist.  When parents gain the tools to manage stress and their own emotions in a healthy way, they’re better prepared to be there for their children.  Kids react to their environment.  When the adults are able to put children’s needs before their own, that’s when we see children behaving differently. They feel nurtured. (Lisa Marie Bobby, PhD. Cited …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

March 11th, 2018

What is the point of punishment?  What is it supposed to accomplish?  We’ll look at types of punishment used by parents with children, but first let’s look at punishment as it relates to criminals. The four most common theories of punishment of criminals are: retribution, deterrence, rehabilitation, and incapacitation.  (The Oxford Handbook of Criminal Law, Edited by Markus D. Dubber and Tatjana Hörnle, Part III, S …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

February 26th, 2018

We assume that there is a mitzvah to raise children to become bnei and bnos Torah, a mitzvah of chinuch habanim.  Is there such a mitzvah, and if so, what is the source for it? It appears from the Rambam in Sefer haMitzvos that the Torah only requires us to teach Torah to our students.  The Rambam points out that the Sifri on the term “v’shinantum l’vanecha”  (Devorim 6:5) says this refers to students.  …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

January 29th, 2018

Who rules your child?  Who decides what she is going to do and what she is not going to do? Do you as parents make these determinations?  Does her school make these decisions for her? Does it depend on her age?  Do you think you choose for her until she begins school and then school makes the choices for her?  And when she becomes a little older, her peers make the choices? None of the above.  No matter how old she is.&nb …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

January 21st, 2018

You have no reason to be disappointed. I hope you have never said that to your child. Even if you explained it. No one gets everything they want. You have plenty of other things. Things don’t always turn out the way we want them to. In the greater scheme of things, this isn’t a big deal. Any one of these statements may be true.  That doesn’t mean your child has no reason to be disappointed. Disappointment is an emotion, an …
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Author: Shira Frank, LCSW

June 8th, 2015

Question: Dear Shira:             I am a thirty five year old woman, recently divorced. All the Rabbonim who I consulted felt that divorce was the necessary step for me to take, and I am quite relived to be out of the marriage. However, in recent months, I’ve been having difficulties with my older son in being able to discipline him. He also has mixed feelings after visits with my ex-hu …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

December 14th, 2016

How do you build a relationship as husband and wife?  You start by forming the habits of a good relationship.  You make time, every day, to listen to each others’ experiences, opinions, and reactions, focusing primarily on the positive. This process begins the morning after the chasunah.  You share your memories and impressions from the simcha, e.g. your nieces are so adorable, it was so wonderful that your Alter Zaidy was ab …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

September 26th, 2016

There are so many things you want your child to learn.  So many possible places to begin to help him grow.  There are numerous skills, ideas, ideals, and virtues you want to teach him.  Where do you start? Here’s a suggestion from Gems From The Nesivos Sholom on Pirkei Avos (page 369): “In a fairly well-known dissertation, Rav Chaim Vital (Shaarei Kedusha 1:2) makes the following observation.  The importance of mid …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

July 24th, 2016

Siblings are acutely aware of one another’s achievements.  They tend to be more vocal when the sibling’s “achievement” was doing something they weren’t supposed to do. “Did you see what Eli did?  Why didn’t you say anything?  He’s not supposed to do that!” It may be more important to pay attention when your child is affected by a sibling’s positive achievement.  Watch …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

July 6th, 2016

It is very gratifying to me to see more and more FJJ columnists addressing parenting concerns.  The various techniques and reassurance offered by these sagacious writers reflect the unfortunate fact that parenting continues to be an extremely difficult endeavor.  Perhaps the expression l’fum tza’ara agrah, usually translated as, “according to the effort shall be the reward,” could also be understood to mean &rdqu …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

May 12th, 2016

Do you want your children to do better than you?  In one area, I truly hope not.  When it comes to basic rules of civility and courtesy, you need to model a higher standard for your children to aspire to.  Rather than expecting them to do better than you, hope that they will do as well as you.  If your standards are high enough, you will be pleased with your children’s performance as well. If you’re not pleased wit …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

April 11th, 2016

I recently received this request: “I would like to read your thoughts on asei lecha Rav and how you’ve seen this benefit those who take this Mishna seriously.” I appreciated this request partially because it gave me an opportunity to gather some thoughts on that Mishna and because it allowed me to learn that there are various ways to take the Mishna seriously depending upon how you interpret it. One interpretation of this Mishna …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

March 22nd, 2016

What do you say to your child about how you want him to behave on Purim.

How much should he be drinking on Purim?

What do you want him to say to someone who offers to drive him on Purim and they’ve been drinking?

What do you do when there’s peer pressure on him to drink after you’ve told him not to?

Here’s a recent conversation between a child and his mother:

“My …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

March 7th, 2016

Where can I find a recipe for nachas? No one has ever asked me that question using those particular words. Many parents have asked me what books I would recommend to them that would help them with their children. As is my wont, I usually respond to their question with a question of my own: what books have you found helpful so far? Well, I read [fill in the blank with any of the many parenting books that are available] and I thought it had some r …
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