Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

March 7th, 2016

That was the question the mother of a teenager asked me last month.   I’ve heard that sentiment expressed many times in subtle and not so subtle ways, but I had never heard it so starkly articulated. She didn’t sound exasperated, despondent, or resentful; just genuinely curious. Think about it. What do you think is the answer? Are you tempted to say that it’s because children don’t respect their parents the way t …
2 comments

Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

January 24th, 2016

Dear Analyst, I feel completely overwhelmed by my daughter’s homework. She’s only in fifth grade and I don’t know how they expect to her to do so much Parsha, Halacha, math, science, English, and social studies homework every night. She sits down to it and doesn’t know where to begin and starts to cry. She says she can’t finish it all so why should she even try? I don’t know what to say to her. When I ask her t …
0 comments

Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

January 17th, 2016

What do you do when you’re ambivalent? Some people, when faced with conflicting thoughts and opposing intentions choose to do nothing. That’s unfortunate, because nothing gets addressed. Some choose to address one but not the other of their concerns. The best choice would be to address both, disparate though they are. Sorry if that was unclear. I think an example will help. Your child comes to you at 11:30 at night and says "I made my …
0 comments

Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

January 11th, 2016

I have waited some time to tell this story. You may recognize yourself but I didn’t want to risk anyone else realizing who you are if they saw this happen. I don’t know you, I’ve never met you, but I saw and heard you right in front of me at the cashier in a non-Jewish supermarket. You were having your items checked out by the cashier. You had a child in a stroller, and a little boy, I’m guessing around 4 or 5 years old, …
2 comments

Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

January 7th, 2016

There are two paths to significance. Some things are significant because they are rare or indispensible. The scarcity of a gem may be the only basis for its value. We don’t require large quantities of food, but we cannot live without some. Other things only become significant when their quantity grows beyond the norm. Dirt and rocks aren’t all that significant until Hashem presents them to us as a Grand Canyon. When the two paths to s …
0 comments

Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

December 20th, 2015

How do you help your children when they’re struggling with sibling rivalry? Recently, I’ve spoken to three different women’s groups who wanted help with sibling rivalry.   Each group began with the same question: Why can’t my children get along? I explained that sibling rivalry is common and probably unpreventable. I wanted to reassure them that they were not to blame for the bickering, yelling, fighting, and oth …
0 comments

Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

December 20th, 2015

How do you teach children shalom strategies when things are calm? Do you believe in timeout? And if yes, how would you do it? When does your child have the opportunity to learn how to regain shalom with her siblings? When does she get to reflect on how the shalom was lost to begin with? What is your expectation for her? Do you want her to develop a shalom strategy that will ensure unbroken tranquility with her siblings? Having never met her or an …
0 comments

Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

December 6th, 2015

Sander wasn’t particularly friendly toward anyone at the Kiddush. He was actually kind of stand-offish. Yanky, on the other hand, was quite gregarious, truly stand-on-ish. The witness was called to take the stand but she didn’t know where to take it. We all know that the terms “stand-offish” and “take the stand” are idioms not to be taken literally. That’s why there’s no opposite term “stand-o …
0 comments

Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

November 26th, 2015

Some common expressions are remarkably misleading. For example, “she eats like a bird.” Really? Most birds consume half their weight in food every day. I hope she doesn’t! Then there’s “I slept like a baby.” You tossed and turned and woke up crying every 2 hours, and it took you an hour to fall asleep again each time? Let’s look at one more: “Philadelphia, City of Brotherly Love” * That’ …
0 comments

Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

November 8th, 2015

Did you ever wonder what kind of shailos rabbonim hear nowadays? In my 22 years in rabbonus, no one ever brought me a chicken to learn if it was kosher or not. Our parents just looked at the plumba clipped onto the wing of the fresh chicken at the butcher shop. By my generation, we were checking the plastic outer label of the frozen chicken in the supermarket. So what was I asked to paskin? There’s one topic that stands out in my memory, an …
0 comments

Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

November 1st, 2015

A friend is someone who knows you as you are, understands where you’ve been, accepts who you’ve become, and still, gently invites you to grow. Anonymous I am not your friend, I am your father, (or mother, or teacher). I have heard this from many mothers, fathers and, teachers over the years. It seems ironic to me that a parent who knows his child, understands him, and wants him to grow is unwilling to consider himself a friend. What i …
0 comments

Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

September 6th, 2015

  During the late Arthur Goldberg’s tenure as U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations, his wife once answered the phone and called out to him, “pick up the phone, it’s the President!”  Ambassador Goldberg asked, “from which shul?”     That may not be a true story, but it illustrates a truism.  Most of us wouldn’t expect a call from the President of the United States, we don’t …
0 comments

Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

August 5th, 2015

In last week’s article, I posed the following question: How do you learn to behave differently when you habitually do something you know isn’t your best? I explained that two of the ways to approach this are behavioral and psychodynamic.  A behavioral approach is based on the assumption that we are creatures of habit.  When we do the same thing or say the same thing many times, it becomes a habit, a pattern of behavior that …
0 comments

Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

July 29th, 2015

The imposing marble walls compound your feeling of nervousness as you pace up and down the halls, waiting your turn to plead your case. True, it is only $200 speeding ticket that you have come to contest, but the atmosphere is fraught with tension. A young fellow rushing down the hall lands squarely on your toe, and to his mumbled “excuse me,” you respond vehemently, “why don’t you watch where you’re going?” &l …
1 comments

Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

July 8th, 2015

How can I get my children to do things without having to ask them so many times? How can I get them to do things more quickly? Even when they do what I ask, it seems to take them much longer than necessary. Can you give me some methods that are easy to remember and work quickly? Just the other day, a mom asked me, “What do you think of making natural consequences happen faster?” Aside from the fact that that sounds a bit unnatural, I …
3 comments

Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

July 8th, 2015

I can’t understand how my husband is able to sleep. It’s nearly 1 o’clock in the morning. I told Esther to be home by 11:45. I know when I press the redial and call her cell phone again, that it’s going to go straight into voicemail. But I can’t stop myself, I keep hoping, praying that she’ll answer the phone. I don’t know what hurts more, that Esther defies me or that my husband doesn’t care. How c …
0 comments

Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

June 7th, 2015

One of the most common emotions experienced by children is hatred. Children feel hatred when they are blocked from something they want and when someone takes something away from them. When five year old Moshie builds a house out of his connecting blocks and three year old Malka kicks it until it is flattened, Moshie feels hatred towards his sister. When their mother picks up the eight month old to nurse him, both Moshie and Malka hate him for tak …
0 comments

Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

May 25th, 2015

“How was school today?” “Fine.” “What did you do there today?” “Nothing.” Does that conversation sound familiar? It does to me. Many parents tell me that their conversations with their children about their day in school go just like that every day. Of course, these parents don’t take that answer literally. It isn’t possible for a sentient human being to spend that many consecutive hours …
0 comments

Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

May 18th, 2015

When I was five years old I would ride my sled down this mountain in the park on Mosholu Parkway. When I was eleven I would go careening down this huge hill on Franklin Street in Yonkers on my bike. It’s really interesting to see how much of the topography has changed over these many decades since then. My wife and I live in Brooklyn now, but we occasionally visit the alter heim (the old country) and those slopes have leveled off considerab …
0 comments

Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

May 10th, 2015

Did you ever notice how easy it is to say you’re sorry as long you don’t say anything more than that? If you bump into somebody, you say, “sorry,” and you go onto the next thing. What happens if you bump into someone and you knock them over? Do you just say that you’re sorry and move onto the next thing, or do you stop and try to help? Do you feel bad that you were not more careful and you want to think about how you …
1 comments

Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

May 3rd, 2015

Someone once said, “more than the Jews have kept the Sabbath, the Sabbath has kept the Jews.” He meant to say that by keeping Shabbos, Jews have an anchor and a basic Jewish identity, no matter what they’re exposed to and involved with during the rest of the week. It would seem that Shabbos is the easiest day to be Jewish. Spending the day in the confines of our community, shul, and home we are shielded from the outside influenc …
0 comments

Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

April 14th, 2015

According to a well-known adage, there is no such thing as verbal abuse.  “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never harm me.”  If we are impervious to words, then words cannot be a source of abuse. Of course, we know that’s not true. The tongue is a powerful weapon of abuse; it can be lethal. We know this by experience, but we also know from Tanach. “Death and life are in the hand of the tongue,&r …
2 comments

Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

March 15th, 2015

At the end of our previous article, Sibling Rivalry Q and A, mom had told me, “my children sometimes play together very nicely, and sometimes they just leave each other alone which is fine with me. But all of a sudden, pandemonium breaks out and I can’t prevent it because I can’t tell when it’s going to happen.” I asked mom: And when it happens, what do you do? I send the two of them into timeout. You send the two of …
1 comments

Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

March 9th, 2015

How do you teach children shalom strategies when things are calm? Do you believe in timeout? And if yes, how would you do it? When does your child have the opportunity to learn how to regain shalom with her siblings? When does she get to reflect on how the shalom was lost to begin with? What is your expectation for her? Do you want her to develop a shalom strategy that will ensure unbroken tranquility with her siblings? Having never met her or a …
0 comments

Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

March 9th, 2015

How do you help your children when they’re struggling with sibling rivalry? Recently, I’ve spoken to three different women’s groups who wanted help with sibling rivalry.   Each group began with the same question: Why can’t my children get along? I explained that sibling rivalry is common and probably unpreventable. I wanted to reassure them that they were not to blame for the bickering, yelling, fighting, and oth …
0 comments

Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

February 24th, 2015

How did we communicate before there was texting? Much of the communication between individuals was conducted over the phone, but there were still remnants of the antiquated form known as “face to face.” Of course, the telephone and face to face communication are limited to small numbers of people you could address at one time. Before texting, how did we convey our messages to larger groups of people? Bumper stickers! And you thought …
2 comments

Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

February 13th, 2015

Miri said that she thought that if she told me the truth, I would criticize her, and that’s why she lied to me; so I said, “and that makes it okay to lie?” And she said, “just like you’re criticizing me right now, that’s why I don’t even try to talk to you, and I wish you wouldn’t try to talk to me.” After recounting this to me, Miri’s mom looked me in the eye and said, “can’ …
2 comments

Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

February 13th, 2015

Miri did lie. She told her mother that she hadn’t had any math homework for the past two weeks. When her eighth-grade math teacher called to ask why Miri’s homework hadn’t been completed, Miri’s mother said she would be sure to discuss it with her daughter. First, she discussed it with me. At first, she said she wasn’t sure how to punish Miri for lying to her, and wanted me to help her figure that out. Over the cours …
0 comments

Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

February 13th, 2015

Shock and awe are rare for me these days. Over the course of more than 30 years of working with families, I’ve heard almost everything. But every now and then someone says something to me that leaves me speechless, albeit briefly. This was about a year ago. I was meeting with a mom who had come to me to talk about her concerns about her 14-year-old daughter. Miri, the mom told me, had lied to her. As I recall, our ensuing conversation went …
0 comments

Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

January 21st, 2015

Peer pressure usually is thought of as active, overt enticing, encouraging, or daring someone to do something. The pressure is most irresistible when it’s coming from a peer, especially for teenagers. That’s why I so often hear parents complain that they’ve told their teenage son or daughter that they don’t like this friend and want them to stay away from him or her.   I ask the parent to describe the conversation tha …
1 comments

Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

December 24th, 2014

  I hope your grandchildren never need to ask that question. Mine did.   For over a year, I have not been able to roll on the floor with them after gently wrestling them to the ground. I haven’t been able to bounce them on my lap while telling them a story. I haven’t been able to lift them high up in the air to play Frog Hopper, or tickle them when they want me to.   The littlest ones don’t know what they’re …
4 comments

Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

October 29th, 2014

When researchers investigated why some children turn out happier, healthier and more successful, and had stronger relationships with their parents, 10 parental competencies emerged. We’ve been exploring them over the past few weeks, working our way up from number ten to number one. To recap, competency number ten is keeping your children safe, number nine is religious participation and support, and number eight is modeling a healthy lifesty …
1 comments

Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

October 29th, 2014

  Researchers have defined ”successful parenting” as parenting that results in children who have a strong bond with their parents, and are happy, healthy, and successful. They studied parents and found what they call the 10 competencies that successful parents display. They used the term “competencies” rather than techniques or methods of parenting. I think that’s very informative because it describes who you ar …
1 comments

Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

October 3rd, 2014

Many parents are wary of psychology.   It’s true that there are some theories in psychology that see religion as unhelpful or even harmful. And there are some psychologists who are antagonistic to Judaism. One prominent leader in the field of group therapy comes to mind. I remember filing a formal complaint when I was in graduate school because in his book, which we were assigned as part of our coursework, he attacked rabbis and Torah …
0 comments

Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

October 3rd, 2014

This past summer, researchers presented a paper at the annual meeting of the American Psychological Association. The paper was entitled,” Measuring competencies that predict successful parenting: A preliminary validation study.” Before I share some of their findings with you, I’d like to define some terms. Validation is a term used in statistical analysis. It is the extent to which a conclusion corresponds accurately to the real …
0 comments

Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

August 27th, 2014

When I was a rav in Baltimore I once began my drasha as follows: Hershel’s mother was having a very hard time getting him out of bed one morning. Hershel finally said to his mother, “give me three reasons why it’s so important that I get out of bed.”
She replied, “All right, Hershel, I’ll give you three reasons why it’s so important that you get out of bed. First of all, because you’re Jewish. …
0 comments

Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

July 21st, 2014

I taught Ariella how to empathize with her two year old son. She said she would try to imagine how much a couple of minutes of play means to him, and weigh it against how important it was to her to bring him somewhere right away, depriving him of those minutes of play. It was really thoughtful of Ariella to let me know what happened.   I have to tell you that since I began waiting for the extra five minutes or telling him he could go on the …
0 comments

Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

July 21st, 2014

What‘s the difference between a judge and a leader? What are the qualifying criteria for judges and for leaders? Which role is more appropriate for you as a parent to play in the life of your child, the role of judge or the role of leader? What does any of this have to do with an article about empathy?   Let’s answer the questions in the order in which we asked them:   What‘s the difference between a judge and a leader …
0 comments

Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

July 21st, 2014

I want to let you know that I tried some of the things you suggested. One of them was what you said about, “don’t get him to do something, help him to do something.” I have found that we get a lot more done when I work with him instead of telling him what to do and trying to get him to do it. Another thing you told me that’s been really helpful was to think about letting him play with something for five more minutes when I …
0 comments

Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

June 22nd, 2014

It’s that time of the year again. School has ended, camp hasn’t begun, and parents don’t have as much time off as their children do. What are some good suggestions for activities that your children may enjoy when they come over to you and say, “I have nothing to do!”   I remember some of the things I suggested to our children when they were little.   You could mow the lawn, you could pull the weeds, you cou …
0 comments